15 year old not doing homework

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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

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Dear ADDitude: My Teen Won’t Do His Homework!

“My 13-year-old rushes through his homework and often forgets to hand it in. He also has ODD, so he is so stubborn and doesn’t want to study or accept help. He is smart, but his attitude and lack of motivation are holding him back. What can I do?”

Defiant Over Homework: Reader Question

Defiant over homework: additude answers.

ADHD, ODD, and puberty are a tough combination. Work on one challenge at a time. First, handle the missing assignments. Set up a meeting with your son’s teachers to find out which assignments are missing, and come up with a schedule for getting him caught up. Choose to work on a few assignments per night until he is caught up. I would suggest not allowing any screen time until that day’s assignments are complete. Follow up with his teachers to make sure they received the completed assignments. If it is possible to e-mail assignments, once they are completed, that would be ideal.

Now you can focus on the quality of the work and his motivation to do it. Many 13-year-old boys are not motivated to do schoolwork. This may be a sign of his age, his ADHD , his ODD, or a combination. If you find less screen time helps, keep this policy up until schoolwork is completed for the evening. Although teens with ODD often resent and argue with rules, you should keep certain rules in place. Clearly explain to your son the consequences and rewards. Be consistent with your approach, and focus on what he is doing right, rather than what he is doing wrong.

Posted by Eileen Bailey Freelance writer, author specializing in ADHD, anxiety, and autism

My son is 13, in 7th grade, and also rushes through all work and homework. He has a gifted IQ but currently has two low D’s in two classes.

The reason my son does so poorly in school is mostly due to his executive functioning deficits  and the fact that teachers won’t provide the support he needs in that area.

[ Take This Test If You Think Your Child Has Oppositional Defiant Disorder ]

Ask for a parent-teacher meeting to address missing assignments, and ask the teacher to accommodate your son by reminding him to turn things in. Read this: ADHD in Middle School Survival Guide .

As for rushing through, I don’t know what to do. Individuals with ADHD are only motivated when something is of interest — it’s the way their brains work. I keep reminding myself that grades aren’t everything, but it does hurt his self-esteem.

Posted by Penny ADDitude community moderator, author on ADHD parenting, mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Rushing through homework is so common and kids with ADHD. One thing that I really love for these students is called “designated homework time.” It’s basically based on the premise that kids should have about 10 minutes of homework per grade level. So a third grader should have about 30 minutes of homework, a 6th grader about 60 minutes of homework, and so on.

[ Smart Homework Strategies for Teachers & Parents: A Free Handout ]

If your child is miraculously doing homework for, say, a third grader in three minutes, even though you know they have a lot more, you can set the time expectation and say, “All right, Jimmy, you’re going to have 30 minutes to do your homework each day even if you say you have none at all.” Then, set the timer and make sure that Jimmy has this designated homework time. Even if he says he’s done, he still has to read for pleasure, or practice his math facts. That set period of time really reduces rushing because kids know that they’re not going to get up and be able to play XBox after three minutes.

Also keep in mind that sometimes when kids rush, they have a hard time paying attention to detail. It’s not just that they want to make us upset or that they ignore when you say, “Go back and check your work.” Instead what you want to say is, “As you’re doing your homework and you come to one that’s hard for you, circle that one so then you can go back at the end and work through that with a little bit more time.”

I also encourage younger kids to make a game out of it and I’ll say, “Okay, let’s say that you’re going to review five questions that were hard for you. Put a little box on the upper right hand corner of your worksheet and every time you go back and you check one of those hard questions, give yourself a tally mark.” For every set number of tally marks, kids can earn a reward.

Posted by Ann Dolin, M.Ed. Founder of Educational Connections, and author of Homework Made Simple

Defiant Over Homework: A Reader Answers

My daughter is 15 years old, and has struggled with homework all through school. Each night, my wife or I checked all homework and made her fix errors or rewrite things that were rushed or poorly done.

She eventually figured out we were not going to let her get away with a rush job. There were no video games, TV shows, or other activities until we said the evening’s assignments were complete. Our kids loved to read so we even took away books.

Eventually, we got an IEP. For one accommodation, the teacher checked and initialed her assignment book at the end of the day and asked if everything was turned in at the same time. The school had a computerized system so we could track missing work.

Part of the problem is her backpack and binders looked like an explosion went off. Our new system seems to be working. Straight A’s this last report card.

Take it one step at a time and teach the behavior you want your son to follow. Give yourself kudos for caring so much.

Posted by Augie

My daughter rushes through homework, too! I’ve been diligently checking it and making her correct where needed. But she recently had her first big “project” that I knew was going to drive me crazy, requiring hours of research and typing.

I made a couple of attempts to start her working on it. She hurried through, doing sloppy work, continually asking, “Can I stop now?” Then, I hit upon a solution that worked for us. I told her she had to work for 30 minutes before a break, and even if she “finished,” she’d have to read in a text book.

This eliminated her desire to hurry-up-and-finish because there was nothing to look forward to. She kept a close eye on the count-down timer, but actually slowed down with her work. It took quite a few 30 minute sessions, with nice-sized breaks in-between, but she got it done, and nicely, too. And as an added bonus, there was a lot less whining.

She doesn’t know it yet, but I’m going to make the 30-minute rule apply to daily homework, too!

Posted by Fair Hope

We found that using an “ADHD watch,” which vibrates every 5 minutes has helped our son refocus when doing homework (and at school) while on the computer. Since he doesn’t seem to be able to judge the passing of time, this lets him know it has been 5 minutes and he needs to refocus. He could easily “go down a rabbit hole” for hours following links without realizing it.

We also instituted a reward system where I pay him if he completes an assignment correctly within “x” amount of time and he pays me if he doesn’t. Homework got done very quickly after the first time he paid me!

Posted by kfwellman

My son gets a half hour of “down time” after school and before starting homework, but , he doesn’t get to start video games until after the work is done. If he gets into that game mindset, he won’t want to stop and then it becomes a battle to get him off it. So, he can play, watch a little TV, or whatever for a half hour, and then it’s homework time. When the homework is done, he is rewarded with a half hour of video game time.

I’ve also read many times that, in addition to making them feel successful, the video games make them feel like this is the ONE area of their lives over which they have some control, which actually helps his behavior and defiance. I mean, think about it: They struggle all day and have difficulties with peers, teachers and their own feeling of self-worth, but, when it comes to video games, they are the ones in control for a change. It also has to do with the instant gratification they get from the games. That’s why they are so addictive. So, the games do a number of things for them.

I don’t like taking the games away as punishment because I know that the games do all these things for my son, but I try to make it clear where the games fall on the hierarchy of priorities, and sometimes I do have to use them to get my son to do what he needs to do.

Posted by JAMurphy

My son is 15 and I don’t believe he’s too motivated either. Fortunately, the grades have been okay, but he hates to do homework and he did not study for his final exams. It seems that school just taxes him and when he gets home, the thought of having to concentrate just does him in behaviorally.

I try not to overreact to all of this (It’s hard sometimes!), and I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that he probably never will like school. It’s just not an ADHD-friendly place, unfortunately. Each semester, I meet with teachers to explain his challenges. Organization is a huge one for my son. I tell them that these are brain issues, not attitude issues. I don’t want to baby my son, but it is hard to find the balance between helping and being over-involved. I tell him he needs to fulfill his responsibilities and that I am always available to help him if needed.

I try to remind my son that his schoolwork is for himself , not me or his father. I told him that when he doesn’t do well or chooses not to do something, he’s not letting me down. Then I ask him who he’s letting down and he always knows the answer. “Me,” he says. I try to tell him that making the effort is like giving himself a gift. Sometimes he buys this, sometimes not.

So my mindset these days is to try and get through with the least abount of damage possible. At the same time, I try to find and use my son’s gifts and talents outside of school so he has things to feel good about. I don’t take away sports as a consequence because he needs it, for example.

Also, if you haven’t read Chris Dendy’s book on teenagers and ADHD, it is an absolute must-read. It helped me a lot. One of her best pieces of advice was, “Give yourself permission to be more involved with your child that you normally would.” These kids need someone who loves them no matter what.

Posted by momto3kids

[ Free Resource: Proven Homework Help for Kids with ADHD ]

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What to Do When Teens Refuse to Do Homework or Fail a Class

Some teens are naturally motivated and others are not. Some teens are able to succeed at school with ease, and others struggle. But, what is a parent to do when their teen simply refuses to do homework or is suddenly failing a class? Experts recommend parents work to discover the root cause and creatively problem solve with their teen.

Most of the time, parents feel a little shocked when they are confronted with a school problem. Maybe your teen has outright refused to do any work, or maybe you received a notice from the teacher, or maybe you got a disappointing surprise on their interim report. Whatever has brought the problem to your attention, it’s important to take a deep breath and work to understand the issue. The first step is to ask your teen what is going on. Notice the word ask. That means you don’t start the conversation with accusations, yelling, blame, or threats. Instead, enter into the conversation with a sense of curiosity to see if you can help uncover the possible reasons why he or she isn’t getting their homework done or passing the class.

Determine the Root Cause

If your teen refuses to do homework or is failing a class, don’t jump to the conclusion that he is simply acting out of defiance. More than likely, there is some underlying problem(s) contributing to the issue. For example, stress, bullying issues at school, classes that are too advanced, test-taking anxiety, too many absences, learning disabilities, and depression are all possible problems that can contribute to behavior changes. Remember that when high school students fall behind in their classes for any reason (absence, material too difficult, bad test-taking day), catching up can be quite difficult. When grades begin to plummet, many teens give up. Talk to them about their struggles. Ask them: “How is your current situation different from how you would like it to be?”

Separately, parents should talk to the teen’s teacher to obtain their thoughts and perspectives. Again, parents should enter such a conversation with an open mind and a willingness to listen to the teacher’s opinion.

Develop Solutions with Your Teen

Once parents feel like they understand the problem, they should sit down with their teenager and brainstorm a list of possible solutions to the given situation. They can ask their son or daughter what they have already tried before (whether it’s in this situation or in similar situations in the past), and what outcomes they experienced. Ask them to predict likely consequences, both positive and negative, for each possibility. Teens should be encouraged to not limit themselves, but to come up with as many options as possible, even if they seem unrealistic, because this creative process may help generate even better solutions. Once you have made a list of options together, help your teen narrow them down. For each option, consider how realistic it is, how likely the teen would be to implement it, and the potential obstacles.

Sometimes, homework or grade battles simply need a creative solution. For example, some teens are willing to stay after school to complete their homework, so long as they don’t have to do work at home. Other teens need some control over when they are going to do their work, so they may need to unwind for an hour after school and then do their work. Teens who are failing due to a learning disability or missed schoolwork, might be willing to work with a tutor. Parents should offer their own ideas, but MUST be willing to try their teen’s suggestions and ideas. The process of identifying the problem and developing the solution will empower your child, give them a sense of ownership in fixing the problem, and will ultimately give them confidence when they overcome the issue.

Additionally, parents should help their teen establish healthy study habits that will allow him/her to be successful. Some good study habits include: creating a designated homework time and space, removing distractions including electronics, being available to help your teen when they have a problem or get frustrated, teaching them time management skills, and helping them to get organized. You can learn more from our previous blog, Good Study Habits in Teens .

Establish Expectations and Rules

In general, parents should establish rules and expectations about homework based on their individual child. For example, if you have a teen who is fairly responsible with his homework most of the time, it may be appropriate to allow him/her to face the natural consequences of a bad grade or detention when he/she doesn’t do their work.

However, if you have a child who is refusing to do homework or is failing, and you’ve done the previous steps to try to find the problem and have discovered there is no underlying problem, then rules are warranted. Establish appropriate expectations, and more importantly, develop rewards for following them and consequences for not. Then you must follow through on your plan. For example, create small measurable goals. If your teen puts in a lot of effort for 30 minutes, then he gets a 10-minute break. Or consequently, confiscate his electronics each day until he completes his homework. Phones, tablets and other electronics are a privilege, and he cannot earn them if he chooses to not do his work.

Final Thoughts…

Experts say that the best thing parents can do when faced with school problem is stay calm and open-minded. Nagging and lecturing – although tempting parenting techniques – are never effective and usually harm your relationship. Bribing your teen to get work done can sometimes work in the short run, but quickly loses its appeal to your child and can actually instill a “what’s in it for me” attitude. Additionally, threatening a consequence that you will never follow-through on will only reinforce the negative behavior. Instead, follow the tips above to discover the problem and creatively solve it with your teen. Not only will it truly address the problem, it will also teach your teen how to address future challenges.

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38 comments.

I’m 15 and one problem I have with school is just the way it prevents me from living life. I have so many plans but all of them have to wait so long to accomplish. It just feels like school is holding me back and having to go through it is pointless until I get to the degrees I actually want. I want to get a degree in business and marketing and become an entrepreneur but to do so I’ll have to go through lots of school that, while it may be useful in some way, doesn’t feel useful at all right now. I could just drop out of course since you don’t need a degree to become an entrepreneur, but I want the business knowledge to help me succeed. Not to mention the fact that becoming a dropout can have bad effects on your social life and the way people think of you. I could start it while in school, but finding the time to do that with all the schooling, homework, and extracurricular activities I have would be a nightmare. It causes lots of internal conflict and drains all motivation to do school.

Im in the same boat for the 2nd year in a row. We did counseling, intervention school program for 6months straight, tutoring and he still fail math and science. Everyone says he’s lazy and has no deficiencies. This year he’s still failing science english and math. Only had an A in PE. He goes to school everyday and nothing is working. At what point do I say oh well you don’t care so I won’t either. There’s only 5 1/2 years left until he’s 18 and I feel time is running out.

I have a grandson in same situation. The best I can see is a junior carpenter course or business course.

My 17 year old son is unmotivated, is not doing his homework and as a consequence he is failing his classes, most of the time he don’t want to go to the school. he is taking 5 AP classes as his own decision but is not doing the work that those classes required and refused to drop them. I don’t know what to do, he wants to get a job and i am supporting him in apply, but i want him to finish school but he is not doing anything. I spoke with the school counselor and we are considering drop some of his classes but i don’t want my son feels more depressed if we do it. I trying to be patient and talk to him but he is not motivated about school at all. Please help

I can say “ditto” to almost everything you’ve mentioned. We have a 17 year old son. He’s also taking AP courses but has refused to do any hw since about October and is failing several classes badly. The last 1.5 years have been out of character in that he normally worked hard and wouldn’t quit on things – over time we’ve seen him slowly quit on one thing after another (and not just in academics). Now it’s piling up.

When his parents ask, a counselor asks, the pastor asks, or his teachers ask “why aren’t you doing hw?” the answer is always “i don’t know…” and then some circular reasoning about things that aren’t really relevant. He does very well on almost all the exams but it’s not enough in highschool if you don’t do any HW (or sometimes fail to turn in quizzes).

It’s quite sad, he has no happiness in anything or desire for anything except to watch youtubers talking about random inconsequential things. If we take away the computer he sits in a dark room with lights off telling us he can waste time in other ways besides watching youtube if needed. When we ask serious questions respectfully he tears up but then quickly puts on a blank face.

We’ve met with professional counselors but so far haven’t identified the root issue. He’s not clinically depressed. Like you we don’t want to demoralize him further by pulling him out of the things he’s doing in school but soon we may have a highly gifted kid who fails a year of highschool and next year will probably not be any better at this rate.

My brother is the same way! very bright kid, but refuses to do any homework. Would rather play games and watch videos. He is also becoming quite rude to his teachers, we haven’t figure out the root issue. At this point, we are just letting him fail, maybe he needs to learn the hard way..

Our son is just like yours; has always been considered exceptional, showing great potential, but now completely uncaring about anything and unmotivated to do any schoolwork. Since online learning became mandatory he will log into his classes then do other things. As a result he’s failing 3 classes and barely passing 2 others. This started the second part of his junior year and has continued this year. It’s gone from thinking about what college to try for to blowing off the SAT test, failing classes and now possibly not graduating High School. (This from a kid who took the PSAT’s in 10th grade and scored 1360 without studying). We understand that there may be some underlying issue and reason for his lack of motivation so we approach it in a caring way (most days). He’s not defiant, just completely unmotivated. I think back to the day years ago when the schools all announced they would be switching entirely to computer learning. That essentially means without internet kids cannot due schoolwork. How do you discipline or have structure with school work when kids have all these temptations and distractions right in front of them to click on? If book learning was still in place simply turning off the internet and allowing it for certain times as a reward would be ideal. Instead we have a nation of distracted, unfocused, addicted to electronics young people. We took a step back from expectations and now are focused more on his emotional and physical well being. Just getting him to graduate is the aim, then maybe encouraging him to get a job after graduating. If there was a life course for kids who need a sense of direction in a supportive, encouraging way I would like to know about it.

I get it. I am in the same position as your son right now. I am in my sophomore year of high school and I can’t really explain it but when second semester started, I was so unmotivated to do anything. Of course, I’ve never been inspired or motivated for school, but I’ve never been a bad student either. Well, at least not until I started completely ignoring my work and letting it pile up so bad that I have begun to lose all hope. I don’t know how to explain it, but I’ve completely lost all motivation and initiative to do my work. Since this quarantine, everything has gotten worse. I have all F’s except for in art class. In art, I believe I still have a B or at least a C. However, I don’t check anymore because I am scared to look at my grades as it reminds me of my constant failure. Of course, I take full responsibility for my wrongful actions. I know what I’m doing right now is not going to get me anywhere but held back in my academics, but for some reason I keep diving head first into this endless black hole of failure and despondency. It started out as procrastination. I’ve never had any enthusiasm about school work and have always been a procrastinator, even in middle school, but since going into high school…it’s gotten MUCH worse. I find myself day-dreaming and fantasizing about this “perfect” productive life and thinking a lot about the future while not taking recognition of the fact that I am so far behind, I may not have a future. Basically, I have a very active imagination and can sometimes channel this habit of mine to idealize my life and future- it’s almost like I’m living in this made up world of assurance and protection for myself where everything is going to work out the way I want it to unlike in reality. I have always been a very sensitive and easily downed child, so when I entered into high school pessimistic thoughts would flood my mind over and over again (more than usual). I don’t claim to have a problem (mentally) nor have I ever been diagnosed with anything (although I’ve never been checked for anything since I don’t normally express my stress and depression to people- not even family, not that they’d take much notice anyway). I also have no solution to this reoccurring problem of mine yet. However, the one thing I’d recommend you do is let your son get a job. As ridiculous as it sounds to let him get a job when he can’t even focus on school (which I do agree that education is more important than a job, in some cases), I think a job might make him less obstinate or noncompliant, as well as teach him some responsibility. It can also help if he is going through something right now like early senioritis/senioritis and/or slight or mild depression and stress. I don’t know exactly how to explain this, but when I think about getting a job I think about being able to provide for myself and getting myself better things and the proper stuff I need to stay motivated and consistent. If you’re son is anything like me, he will feel like this too. He may, however, already have everything he needs (or that you think he needs), but being able to work hard for and earn our own money makes us feel more like we’ve got everything together. Besides, there are some things that kids don’t want to bother their parents for, so we like to take it upon ourselves and try to figure it out for ourselves. This is all a part of growing up. A job may help with this. With a job, he would learn responsibility. Also, since he would be getting an immediate reaction out of a job (i.e. money and with that money comes self-gifting/purchasing something for himself with his hard earned money, which can prove to be quite awarding for a teenager or really anyone), he might appreciate the achievements he makes more rather than if he were getting a reward/reaction in school (i.e. a “good job” or a temporarily good feeling, which may not always be enough if we’re being honest here). I would also recommend getting him a trustworthy guide/ or guidance counselor that can be with him every step of the way to make sure he completes all of his work until he is ready to do that for himself. I know he is in high school and shouldn’t need someone like that but sometimes we need a bit of a push, so having someone to sit there and help him with homework/ monitor or guide him as he finished everything will help. He may be interested in other things as well- things that his school does not provide. So, I would personally recommend getting him more interested in better hobbies (not too much as sports since that can just add to the stress) but finding things that he is passionate in and allowing himself to do those things. However, this can be tricky because if his passion is something like YouTube, gaming, etc., he may confuse this with meaning he should submerse himself in these tricky habits and that will distract him from school/work even more. So, I’d say if he were interested in something like YouTube get him to do things relative to that activity, but also relative to school (e.g. watching videos on self-improvement/educational videos and including YouTube videos daily into his routine to help with his homework or just giving him a temporary break every now and then as a reward). I know this may seem kind of like babying him, but I’m saying to maybe just follow these simple steps as to monitor and guide him and before you know it, he’s developing these better habits on his own w/o help from anyone! Please take my advice because, being in the same situation right now as your son, I would love for my parents to show this much concern and initiative for me! Also, last but not least, let him know that in order to get where he want to be in life (goals or paths they want to follow in order to be truly happy) they have to get it over with and finish high school first. That way when the time comes and they graduate, they can take whatever necessary steps they need in order to get to where they need/want to be and hopefully by then they will have a better mindset for their future! He could also be going through something or experiencing a lot of stress, so please continue to be there for him and talk to him! As well as just let him know that you’re there whenever he needs you and be more approachable by (with all due respect) nagging less and exhibiting/practicing more communication and reasoning/understanding with your child!

p.s. invest in an agenda/journal that they can keep up with! they can write lingering deep and personal thoughts and/or use it as a planner to stay ahead of the game and follow along with school/work better.

Olivia – THANK YOU!!!! You have no idea how much your post helped me! My son is 13 and just started with the missing assignments this year. At first, I reacted with anger, but then I could see in his eyes that he was hurting, so I changed my tone and started help him instead. According to your post, I am heading in the right direction with him. Today, we sat down together and went through his work to see what he has coming up and he wrote it all in his new planner. He was way more responsive to that than the yelling.

Again, Thank you so much for taking the time to help parents…that is quite noble. Oh, and BTW, your writing is awesome – good grammar and well written. I have never seen such writing from a teenager before. Way to go!

Hi Olivia thanks for helping us. But my child, she would come home and goes into her room and be on her phone and then lie and says she is doing her homework and that its completed and submited. Then I will get an email from her teachers. Everyday. She is a sophomore and I have try to be good and nice to her but I can’t do it no more.

Olivia I love your post and just like Lisa said your a great writer and I think you would be great as a writer someday. Keep up the good work with your writing because I see you going places just go with it. Find something you love to do that will help motivate you to succeed in all your classes. Take care my dear!

I have an 11yr old son in his 1st yr of middle school. He’s failing 3 classes and C’s and D’s in the other classes. He’s been in therapy he is in intervention at school and has a whole team working to get him back on track and he’s getting worst. He lies about everything. He doesn’t do his classwork, his h.w., fails test, loses all his school supplies and refuses to go to after school tutoring. Everything has been taken away from him and he doesn’t care. He just started acting up in class and he blamed it on the other kids and the teacher. I don’t know what to do. Professionals tell me there’s no learning disability or ADD or ADHD. I’m doing everything what is left to do!?!?

You are doing a great job! You have gotten him professional help in therapy and are working with the school. Those are the most important things, and I commend you in taking those important steps. This type of situation is not fixed quickly. The therapy will take time, but don’t stop. In addition, every child is different, so there is no one right or wrong way to help them. I encourage you to read a couple of other articles that might offer you some ideas:

For dealing with an unmotivated teen: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/when-your-teen-lacks-direction/ For dealing with a teen who lies: https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2010/07/22/teens-and-lying/

There is a root cause to your son’s behavior, and it will take time to discover it. For example, some teens feel they are protecting themselves from failure by not caring or committing to anything. Other teens are so overwhelmed by stress, they withdraw. Others become so focused on their peers, their only motivation is to enhance their “image.” Your son’s therapist will be vital in discovering the root cause. And if that therapist doesn’t seem to be able to determine the root cause, then don’t hesitate to try another one. Your son and the therapist have to “click” for any progress to be made.

Parenting is such a difficult job, but I encourage you to take one day at a time and look for the positive qualities in your son that you can genuinely praise – that will make both of you feel better. Best of luck!

Jaz, Please tell me you have found something that has helped. I could have written this word-for-word myself right down to the age, grade and excuses. I am feeling soo helpless and frustrated at this point.

I have a 14 and a 13 year old they refused to do work for the longest time I’m a step-mom its been difficult we took away everything (even non electronics) all they had was school work and chores. So now they are home schooled and they have finally started doing chores and a little more homework (yes they do fight but a lot less. Our 8 year old does everything she needs to do. The oldest still refuses to do math and the 13 year old has been rude because he doesn’t want to do anything still but he does it. Just put your foot down.

I have a 17 year old son is getting almost all F in high school. I don’t see him do homework and he doesn’t seem to care. he mention something about joining the marines but nowdoesn’t seem interested. He spent a lot time with friend that are good influence . I cannot force him to do anything . At first I took everything away and still nothing change. He does chores once in awhile. I am alone working two jobs. with six children to raise.

I have a 15 year old daughter, she has been failing school since 6th grade. By the end of the year the teachers enter a grade just high enough to pass her. I have tried everything that I can think of. Read every thing I can get my hands on and tried it all. Nothing works. She has lost all electronics, been grounded and she is in therapy. I am so stressed out over her that I tend to get a bit mean sometimes ( not a good thing and it makes me feel bad ) I am tired at this point and giving up. SHE JUST DOES NOT CARE!!

This is definitely a difficult issue for many parents! You are not alone! When situations get really tough, and the parents have tried all the traditional approaches, it’s often time to get outside help. A family therapist or a local Family Crisis Intervention Unit can work with both the parents and the teen to find a resolution. There is no easy solution, but with patience and professional guidance, it is possible to get to a better place!

I am not alone 🙁

My son is 15 years old. We have enrolled him in the on-campus ROTC program as well as contacted the counselors and all teachers. He is even going to tutoring three times a week after school. He still seems to have no interest in studying or doing his homework. I have addressed all the issues that I think you may have. I have questioned him grounded him and have taken away All Electronics indefinitely. What do you do if this problem has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of school? He has even threatened to quit school. My problem is that I’m the only one that seems to care about his grades. His blatant disregard for his grades is causing me stress and not him. I feel for all parents going through this situation because we can care all day long but until he cares nothing will change

I’m so sorry that you are going through this! Nothing is more difficult than wanting the best for your child, but watching them throw it away. I know you feel helpless, stressed and frustrated. You are not alone – many parents go through this difficulty! Unfortunately, there is no easy solution or perfect answer – every situation and every person is different. However, we highly recommend that you read our previous blog, https://middleearthnj.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/motivating-a-teen-to-change-destructive-behaviors/ because it addresses many of these issues you are talking about. We also always encourage families in these situations to seek out family counseling. Sometimes an outside observer can offer ideas that we never think of ourselves! We wish you the very best of luck!

I am going through the same exact thing. My son is almost 13. The feeling of hopelessness is setting in so fast for me. Like your situation, he doesn’t seem to care whatsoever about failing. I almost wish there was a root cause i can identify with other than “I hate school work”, like a bullying problem, or depression, etc.

We have done all of the above. no results. Its so heart-breaking. The last and only thing he LOVES to do and looks forward to is hockey and we finally took that away last night.

He isn’t a disrespectful kid, he doesn’t act out, he loves to hang out with the family and enjoys having conversations on politics, history and current events. Just hates school work.

Since you posted this, have you tried something different that has given you results? Any suggestion would be so welcomed.

my daugther is the same. Instead of hockey is ballet. I am at my wits end. She is a bright xhild who had all As in the first quarter, then started lowering her grades anf I realized it was because she was not doing her homework. She got 3 Ds in the 3rd quarter on the 3 subjects that she does not like: math and office productivity and the one that she needs to put a little effort. As in the rest because ahe like it. I have taken electronics and let her therapist know. We do have screaming matches and eventually she calms down and understands that she os not doing her work but in 1 or 2 weeks she is at it again. She is a good child, kind and very smart. I have asked during lenghty sensivle conversations why she is not doing her homework and her response is always ‘I don’t know’. She also lies about having finished her homework to get to do something fun and I don’t find out until later. I really don’t kbow what else to do but I don’t want next year to be like this one so I have already told her there will be no extracurricular classes next year if her 4th quarter is like her 3rd but we are 3 weeks into it and she is still not doing her homework.

Your son sounds like my son. He is not disrespectful and a joy to be around. All he cares about his soccer. He is a freshman in high school with low grades (failing algebra..I got him a tutor). He doesn’t care about failing. His attitude is “I’ll take it next year.” What did you do with your son? Please help me help my son.

My step son 13 and a freshman in high school. He just will not do him homework at all… He doesnt miss school but he is failing all classes. Terrible test scores and is down right disrespectful to his teachers peers and to his little brothers too. Tried everything… He doesnt seem to want to anything to help. Any advise?

Our son was adopted, lost his adoptive parents and we are the fourth set of parents he has known. he is partially sighted, has ADHD, and severe Reactive Attachment Disorder. Follow the above… It does work… We moved all his electronic devices into different rooms: some rooms give him privacy, some rooms makE sure he has time with us so we keep up with who we are dealing with and we are building a good study pattern for his main exams and we are all getting to know each other much better. The important thing was to take the additive habit of electronic gadgets away. He now does more activities with us and opening up more. We worked together on a ladder chart that you climb as he accomplishes main milestones. If he is unsuccessful we have built in backup options or ways to get there. It has all the things he needs to do to get what he wants and the consequences if he misses a step or two he has backup steps. we got the school involved too and the college we hope he goes to for his choice in his career.

OMG I am living all of these nightmare with my 15 and 12 year old. Just got an email today that my 12 year old had 30 minutes to do an assignment and turned it in blank. WTH

I have the same problem with one of my son’s he just doesn’t care. The last 2 years of middle school he flunked a couple of classes during one semester then turned around a little bit and passed the next semester by a narrow margin. Went to summer school for the flunked classes and since the summer school is all online he completed both classes in a week and a half. This year he is a freshman in high school and he is failing all his classes, except 2 English and ROTC. His dad and I are at our wits end.

I think we should pray for them and encourage ,lets talk to them what they would like to become ,give them time to think and show love to them.

I have the same exact situation as Cat and Pete. My daughter is 14 years old. She has ALWAYS has a problem with homework. And its not just getting it done, its turning it in too. She just doesn’t seem to care. I know its not because she is having issues with the work itself because some of her missing work is for a Health class. This is easy stuff! She loves to read and is very good at it. She scores at a college level. She has to complete a reading log for her English class and she failed it last month because she didn’t complete any of it. And this is something that she IS actually completing. In my eyes, its pure laziness. I have taken away everything you can imagine. Phone, video games, TV privileges and nothing seems to “get to her”. The other day she sat at the kitchen table and literally refused to do any homework. She just sat there and scribbled on a notepad. I don’t know what to do. Im at a loss. Im exhausted from getting emails from all her teachers saying how bad she is doing. I tired of talking with her about it and getting yelled at for it. Any suggestions would be MUCH appreciated.

Maybe homeschooling her. Or an online school.

I feel the same. Sometimes I just feel like I’m the bad parent. My son is the same. I have so many talks to him and explain to the best of my ability how important it is and I am here to help him. But all he does is continue with what his doing or roll his eyes. Feeling frustrated.

Look like you are just describing my 11 year old daughter, and she is not just refusing to do her homework, but she also refuses to clean her room or help with anything in the house!! she is also very good reader and i´m always pointing on that as a very positive thing!, the teachers wont stop email me at least once at week by 5 teachers its to much to handle for me!! I´m about to be on strikes as a mom.. it´s being more than a year when you write here, did you find the solution?? did your daughter got any better?

Hey Fabs! No unfortunately I have still not found a solution. She is now 15 and a Freshman in high school. She has been failing both Math and Science since the beginning of the school year. She NEVER brings homework home to work on. She never even brings a backpack to school! I am seriously at a loss with her. I just keep telling her now that she is in High School and her grades are more important than ever. If she fails a class, she has to make it up either in the summer or next school year but that doesn’t really seem to faze her. She simply just doesn’t care. She just keeps telling me that its her life and I shouldn’t care. She never does anything around the house and when we do ask her to do something simple, she gets so angry right away. I hate to say it, but she’s just selfish. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself and is only nice to us when she wants something. People just keep telling me this is typical teenage behavior but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating to deal with.

The comment made by Cat could have been written by me. Our son is exactly this and the same age. The article is good. However, we are not looking at a ‘change’ in behaviour, my son has NEVER done any homework. He just flatly refuses. He gets more and more referrals and then detentions. He just doesn’t seem to care! People say, ‘start with communication’ but he just won’t talk about it. All he says is, ‘I don’t care.’ We have tried homework club where he attends for one hour each week. This worked for a while but then he forgets and then is behind and gets another detention. He ended last year with 180 negative referral points. We were shocked when his 3yrs elder sister received just one. Little did we know what was coming! We have met with his teachers on my occasions. They have been very supportive, but still no result. They don’t have a school councillor as such. We have absolutely no idea how to connect with this child. Any help, from anyone, would be very, very most welcome.

We have a 14 year old 8th grader and nothing seems to work. He starts off each year with a “this year will be different” and then it goes downhill from there with him barely passing. We have tried reward. Didn’t work. This year we have slowly removed electronics until now he’s facing a summer with no electronics of any sort. It doesn’t seem to be working. His teachers complain that he’s not turning in work and spending most of his days staring at the walls. He just says he hates the teachers and the school work but loves seeing his friends at school. At this point in the year he has a B, a C, a D and 3 F’s. Once again, if his grades don’t change he will pass with about a quarter of a grade clearance. My husband contends that just getting harder on him will work. I’m not so sure. I think he’s at the age where he knows what to do, he’s just refusing to do it. He is a good kid otherwise. He’s been offered rewards for doing work but that isn’t working. He enters High School next year and we are not sure what to do. If we spend a lot of money to hire a tutor, which we don’t have the money to do, then there is no way to be sure he’ll even do the work with a tutor and it could be money down the drain. Do we just let him fail while keeping any privileges here at a minimum? At some point he will figure out that the person he is harming is himself, right? I read your article. We have no school counselor to consult. His teachers give homework but short of walking into each classroom with him each day I have no way of making sure he brings it home. I also can’t sit with him in class to make sure he pays any attention or does his work. It’s like he doesn’t believe us when we, or anyone else, tell him that this is harming his future life. Please help if you can.

Hi Cat, This could have been written by me! Has the situation improved one year on? I am at wits end. Like you I’ve tried everything. Please help.

I think this is often a good time to seek advice of a school guidance counselor. fortunately, if you don’t have that option, there are a number of excellent reading resources from well qualified professionals. By far the best I have found is Parents in Highschooland by Karyn Rashoff. http://highschooland.com/ The advice and ideas offered in this book really opened my eyes to a lot of ways that I could get involved to encourage and support my kids though high school. A must-read for parents of high school teens in my eyes.

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What to Do When Your Teen is Failing School and Doesn’t Care

Elisa Cinelli

A report card full of D’s and F’s can be upsetting for a parent to see. It’s especially frustrating if it seems like your teen just doesn’t care.

 But what do you do? 

You can’t force your kid to put their best effort into their schoolwork, and trying to do so may damage your relationship.

On the other hand, teens can’t always grasp how important their high school grades are and what effect they may have on their futures. Parents should do their best to set their kids up for success and rule out any barriers that may be the root cause of their child’s poor school performance.

Related: A+ Parenting: 9 Tips to Boost Bad Grades

Ahead, we outline the actions that you can take if your teenager is failing school because of a seeming lack of motivation .

Ask an Expert: What Do I Do if My Kid Doesn't Care About School or Grades?

Connie Collins , a professional school counselor with over 35 years working in education as both a teacher and school counselor, weighs in on how concerned parents should respond to kids or teens who don’t put any effort into school or try to get good grades

  Q: My son is in seventh grade and is failing most classes. He has the ability to get As and Bs without much effort, but he doesn't care and either hurries through his homework or just doesn't do it at all.   I've tried punishing him, taking things away, talking with him, and meeting with teachers and counselors , but nothing seems to work. Any ideas on how to get him to care about school and his grades?   A: You say you have talked with his teachers and counselors. Did those meetings result in a plan? Was your son involved in that plan? If the answers are no, I would suggest going back to the school and doing just that. Is there a set time and place free of TV, computer, stereo, etc. for him to do this homework? Does he have to use that time reading if he says he doesn't have homework?  Do you or your partner spend some study time with him talking about his work and checking it over?  Where does the homework go when finished – in his folder, in his backpack, near the door?  Many bright seventh-graders have no idea how to organize or how to study. Does he need some help in this area? You speak of punishment and rewards , but not of consequences. Are they logical and immediate?  What happens if he fails seventh grade? Have you decided as a family and made clear to him that he will be spending summer going to summer school – not on vacation or being with his friends?  That might help put things into perspective and show him that doing well in school impacts other parts of his life. 

Set Your Teen up For Success in School

Teenagers aren’t full-fledged adults yet, and they are still developing their executive function skills. Setting up a schedule and a quiet environment for them to study in can go a long way in helping them succeed. 

Often a bit of external structure can help your child get a good grade. The resulting feeling may help them develop intrinsic motivation.

• Choose a table in a room free from distractions. If possible, the table should be completely clear of anything but your kid’s work.
• Make a schedule. When is your teen going to work? Should they come home and study first thing after school before they have free time, or will it work better for them to have a snack and some downtime to socialize first? The answer to this will depend on your child. Involve them in this decision.
• Buy a planner. If your teenager doesn’t already have a planner, have them pick one out. Show them how to list out homework and study tasks with a box next to each that they can check off once complete.

Identify the Obstacles

Often what looks like laziness is truly overwhelming. Don’t assume that your child just doesn’t care. When missing assignments snowball, kids can start to feel like they’ll never catch up. Try to figure out what is stopping them from completing their work.

Sit down and have a conversation with your teen, without judgment. Make it very clear that you are not upset and that they are not in trouble.

 The goal is to get them to open up to you so that the two of you can get to the bottom of what’s causing their bad grades.

Common obstacles include:

• Volume of reading is too high or the material is too complex
• Foundational math or science skills weren’t mastered so now the more advanced classes aren’t accessible to your child
• Difficulty balancing academics and sports or other activities
• Not enough time to do all the work (might need to prioritize)
• A condition such as ADHD or a learning disability that makes school more challenging 
• Mental health needs to be addressed — maybe bullying or another issue is impacting your teen’s self-esteem and needs to be taken care of with professional help before your child can focus properly on academics

Consider Accommodations

“Not caring” can be a coping mechanism for kids who have given up because they have lost their confidence. It’s possible for learning disabilities to show up at an older age, even if they didn’t seem obvious during the elementary years.

Talk to your school counselor about your concerns and they will help you decide whether you want to assess your child. If you do, make sure that your child understands that you don’t think there is anything wrong with them, but you want to learn more about how you and the school can help them. 

You might also let them decide whether they want to be assessed.

Possible learning disabilities include:

• Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder : affects the ability to focus and executive functioning
• Dyscalculia : difficulty with math and logical thinking
• Dysgraphia : problems with handwriting and spelling
• Dyslexia : affects reading and language processing

Emotional trauma or mental health issues may also be a barrier to your teen’s motivation and academic success. 

You should also consider whether they might need therapy or antidepressants to help get them through a difficult time and to support their school achievement.

Use Natural Consequences

Experience is often the best teacher. Try to let your child suffer the natural consequences of failing whenever possible. It can be tempting to swoop in and save our kids at the last minute, but it’s better for them to learn the consequences of their actions while they are young.

 It’s better to be stuck in summer school because you didn’t do your work than to be fired from a job at an older age in “real life.”

That being said, natural consequences are not always the safe choice. You don’t want to let your child fail without giving them the support they need. Use your judgment when using natural consequences with teens, and regardless, make sure they know that you are always there for them and that you love them unconditionally.

These strategies are less effective with teens, who are becoming more independent (a good thing!). If it becomes a power struggle, it’s not likely to help motivate your teen to care.

If you say, “You can’t play video games until you have done your homework,” you’re likely to end up with a teen who doesn’t do either and doesn’t care. But if your kid wants to avoid having to repeat a school year of high school, they may decide to do their work on their own.

Set Goals Together

Try sitting down with your teen and coming up with some goals together. Remember, these are your kid’s goals, not yours. 

You’ll never be able to force them to get on board with your goals. And you shouldn’t have to. A 14-year-old or 15-year-old kid should be coming up with their own plans for their future.

Start by looking at the long term. What do they want to achieve when they grow up? What options do they want available to them? That’s completely up to them. The next step is to set short-term goals that work towards their long-term goal. his is where you come in. 

 Your job is to help them see what stepping stones there are along the road to their aspirations. And that might not mean that they need to be a straight-A student or that they need to attend a university instead of a community college . There are many ways for teens to succeed that don’t revolve around their grades. 

Remember though — the short-term goals need to align with what your kids want to achieve. Pushing your own narrative won’t get them to care. But supporting their dreams likely will.

Steps for Setting Academic Goals: 

• Have your teen come up with one to three long-term goals for their future — where do they want to be in 5 or 10 years? 
• Help them come up with short-term goals that lead directly to their long-term goal. For example: focusing on studying for biology class now will help them if they want to become a veterinarian after college 
• Figure out what support they need to meet their short-term goals and help them get that support.
• Write out a plan with actionable steps that your teen can check off. We recommend our High School Homework Checklist for Parents . 

Check Your Relationship with Your Teen

It’s normal if your relationship with your teen seems to be a bit strained. Teenagers are gaining independence and trying to fit in with their peer’s values . This is all healthy and expected.

That being said, the teenage years are also one of the most important times to nurture your relationship. You want your teen to be able to trust that they can come to you for anything.

Falling grades or apathy about school may be a sign that your teen needs you more than ever. Consider how much quality family time you are spending. 

With parents’ and teens’ jam-packed schedules, it’s easy to lose track of that family dinner or find time just to sit and talk. 

Even if it’s just in the car on the way to practice, try to carve out some time for you and your teen to be together and enjoy each other’s company.

If your child’s grades are slipping or they seem to have lowered motivation, building a better relationship with you – their parent – can help. 

Parental support builds trust so that they feel comfortable telling you about what might be wrong or what they might be struggling with. It also helps to elevate your child’s mood and self-esteem which may have a positive effect on motivation.

Most important of all, ensure that your child knows that you will always love them, no matter their grades.

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Ten Homework Motivation Strategies for Children and Teens

Use these 10 strategies to end the homework wars..

Posted September 6, 2015 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

When it comes to homework, parents get burnt out hearing these hollow and suspicious words: "I did it at school," "They didn't give homework today," "It hardly counts for my grade," "My teacher never looks at my homework anyway," "That assignment was optional." As parents, hearing these words is enough to drive you crazy.

As I write in my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child , parents must not let their emotions get the best of them when their kids are not getting homework done. The strategies below are for helping your child or teen get unstuck:

• Nix the nagging! Pestering creates an adversarial, shaming dynamic that backfires. Instead, try my Calm, Firm, and Non-Controlling approach. Gently empower your child or teen by supportively saying, "I see that you are frustrated. Let's think of ways to help you get back on track with your homework/schoolwork."
• Encourage effort over perfection. Be mindful that kids tend to get intimidated when they have a hard time understanding material. They may get into negative self-talk like, "I can't do this." Even if they're truly thinking this way, parents may instead hear comments like, "I hate this." or "This is stupid." Remind your child or teen that doing his best effort is better than not doing it at all.
• Prioritize. Coach and encourage that the order that homework is done based on urgency, complexity, and workload. At the same time, realize that some students do better by starting with easier tasks and that this can help spark them to tackle more demanding assignments.
• Break it down. Reinforce breaking up homework time into manageable chunks and encourage taking regular breaks. Encourage moving around and walking away for a bit. Remind that an apple really does provide the same effect, and is healthier than an energy drink.
• Think "15 minutes of pain." Have the student set a timer for only 15 minutes. Keep it lighthearted and explain that even if it "hurts" doing the work, she can stop after 15 minutes. Like most things in life, once we push ourselves and get going, it's not so bad.
• Don't be consequence ravenous. Imposing consequences for homework not being done can backfire with defiant behavior. If you use consequences, don't present them with yelling. Keep them reasonable and ask the student to help you be able to move towards rewards (don't go overboard) and minimize consequences. Remember that real, natural consequences are the best motivators.
• Encourage connection. Encourage the student to make or re-establish a connection with his teacher. I have seen hundreds of kids "shoot themselves in the foot" with incomplete homework if they don't have a decent relationship with their teacher.
• Change up the homework/study surroundings. Try putting an inspirational poster by the desk, moving to a different room, or silencing the cell phone. New changes can create more changes.
• Use those study halls. Encourage the use of them as much as possible. Some kids lose sight of that more done at school, means less to do at home.
• Allow for some fun. Notice if your student is racing through the homework just to have fun. Fun time like, TV, phone time, or surfing the web, is welcome, but make sure you put limits on it.

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. , is a psychologist and the author of seven books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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An Age-By-Age Guide to Helping Kids Manage Homework

Do you ever wonder whether homework is gauging the child’s ability to complete assignments or the parent’s? On one end of the spectrum, a parent might never mention homework and assume it gets done independently; on the other end are the parents who micromanage to be sure every worksheet is absolutely perfect.

Being too laissez faire about homework might deny a child the support they need to develop executive functioning skills, but being too involved could stifle their independence. So how much parent participation in homework is actually appropriate throughout a child’s education?

Basic homework tips

According to Scholastic , you should follow these rules of thumb to support your child during homework (without going overboard):

Stay nearby and available for questions without getting right in the middle of homework.

Avoid the urge to correct mistakes unless your child asks for help.

Instead of nagging, set up a homework routine with a dedicated time and place.

Teach time management for a larger project by helping them break it into chunks.

Child psychologist Dr. Emily W. King recently wrote about rethinking homework in her newsletter. King explains at what ages kids are typically able to do homework independently, but she writes that each child’s ability to concentrate at the end of the day and use executive functioning skills for completing tasks is very individual. I talked to her for more information on how much parental involvement in homework completion is needed, according to a child’s age and grade level.

Kindergarten to second grade

Whether children even need homework this early is a hot debate. Little ones are still developing fine motor skills and their ability to sit still and pay attention at this age.

“If a child is given homework before their brain and body are able to sit and focus independently, then we are relying on the parent or other caregivers to sit with the child to help them focus,” King said. “ Think about when the child is able to sit and focus on non-academic tasks like dinner, art, or music lessons. This will help you tease out executive functioning skills from academic understanding.”

Elementary-age children need time for unstructured play and structured play like music, arts, and sports. They need outside time, free time, and quiet time, King said. For children who are not ready for independent work, nightly reading with another family member is enough “homework,” she said.

Third to fifth grades

Many children will be able to do homework independently in grades 3-5. Even then, their ability to focus and follow through may vary from day to day.

“Most children are ready for practicing independent work between third and fifth grade, but maybe not yet in the after-school hours when they are tired and want to rest or play. We need to begin exposing children to organization and structure independently in late elementary school to prepare them for more independence in middle school,” King said.

Neurodivergent kids may need more parental support for several years before they work independently.

“Neurodivergent children, many of whom have executive functioning weaknesses, are not ready to work independently in elementary school. Children without executive functioning weaknesses (e.g., the ability to remain seated and attend to a task independently) are able to do this somewhere between third and fifth grade, but it’s very possible they can work independently at school but be too tired to do it later in the afternoon,” King said. “We need to follow the child’s skills and give them practice to work independently when they seem ready. Of course, if a child wants to do extra work after school due to an interest, go for it.”

For students who are not ready to work independently in middle school, it is better to reduce the amount of homework they are expected to complete so they can practice independence and feel successful.

Middle school

In sixth grade and later, kids are really developing executive functioning skills like planning, organizing, paying attention, initiating, shifting focus, and execution. They will still need your encouragement to keep track of assignments, plan their time, and stick to a homework routine.

“Middle school students need lots of organization support and putting systems in place to help them keep track of assignments, due dates, and materials,” King said.

High school

By this point, congratulations: You can probably be pretty hands-off with homework. Remain open and available if your teen needs help negotiating a problem, but executing plans should be up to them now.

“In high school, parents are working to put themselves out of a job and begin stepping back as children take the lead on homework. Parents of high schoolers are ‘homework consultants,’” King said. “We are there to help solve problems, talk through what to say in an email to a teacher, but we are not writing the emails or talking to the teachers for our kids.”

What if homework is not working for them (or you)

There are a number of reasons a child might not be managing homework at the same level as their peers, including academic anxiety and learning disabilities.

If your child is showing emotional distress at homework time, it might be a sign that they have run out of gas from the structure, socialization, and stimulation they have already been through at school that day. One way to support kids is to teach them how to have a healthy balance of work and play time.

“When we ask students to keep working after school when their tank is on empty, we likely damage their love of learning and fill them with dread for tomorrow,” King wrote in her newsletter.

King said in her experience as a child psychologist, the amount of homework support a child needs is determined by their individual abilities and skills more than their age or grade level.

“All of these steps vary for a neurodivergent child and we are not following these guidelines by age or grade but rather by their level of skills development to become more independent,” she said. “In order to independently complete homework, a child must be able to have attended to the directions in class, brought the materials home, remember to get the materials out at home, remember to begin the task, understand the task, remain seated and attention long enough to complete the task, be able to complete the task, return the work to their backpack, and return the work to the teacher. If any of these skills are weak or the child is not able to do these independently, there will be a breakdown in the system of homework. You can see why young students and neurodivergent students would struggle with this process.”

If you and your child have trouble meeting homework expectations, talk to their teacher about what could be contributing to the problem and how to modify expectations for them.

“Get curious about your child’s skill level at that time of day,” King said. “Are they able to work independently at school but not at home? Are they not able to work independently any time of day? Are they struggling with this concept at school, too? When are they successful?”

ONLINE PARENTING COACH

Help for parents with strong-willed, out-of-control teens and preteens.

Defiant Children Who Refuse To Do Homework: 30 Tips For Parents

• Your child doesn’t understand the work and needs some extra help. It’s possible that your youngster doesn’t want to do his homework because he really needs help.  Also, it can be challenging for moms and dads to accept that their youngster might need help with homework, because there is often a stigma attached to kids who need tutoring. 
• Your child is addicted to TV and video games. Moms and dads often find it very difficult to limit these activities. But, understand that playing video games and watching TV doesn’t relax a youngster’s brain.  In fact, it actually over-stimulates the brain and makes it harder for him to learn and retain information.  Too much of watching TV and playing video games contributes to your youngster struggling with school and homework in more ways than one.
• Your child is exhausted from a long day at school. In the last 10 to 20 years, the needs of kids have not changed, however the pace of life has.  Most moms and dads are busy and have very little down time, which inevitably means that the youngster ends up with less down time too.  He is going to be less likely to be motivated to work when there is chaos all around him.  
• Your child is not sleeping enough. Sleep is one of the most under-appreciated needs in our society today. When a child doesn’t get enough sleep, it can cause him to be sick more often, lose focus, and have more emotional issues. Kids often need a great deal more sleep than they usually get.  
• Your child is over-booked with other activities. Moms and dads want their youngster to develop skills other than academics. Because of this, they often sign-up their youngster for extracurricular activities (e.g., sports or arts).  
• Your child is overwhelmed by your expectations. Moms and dads want their youngster to be well-rounded and to get ahead in life.  Along with this comes getting good grades.  All these expectations can put a lot of pressure on your youngster and may cause him to become burned-out and want to find an escape.
• instructions are unclear
• neither you nor your youngster can understand the purpose of assignments
• the assignments are often too hard or too easy
• the homework is assigned in uneven amounts
• you can't provide needed supplies or materials 
• you can't seem to help your youngster get organized to finish the assignments
• your youngster has missed school and needs to make up assignments
• your youngster refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them
• Do you understand what you're supposed to do?
• What do you need to do to finish the assignment?
• Do you need help in understanding how to do your work?
• Have you ever done any problems like the ones you're supposed to do right now?
• Do you have everything you need to do the assignment?
• Does your answer make sense to you? 
• Are you still having problems? Maybe it would help to take a break or have a snack.
• Do you need to review your notes (or reread a chapter in your textbook) before you do the assignment? 
• How far have you gotten on the assignment? Let's try to figure out where you're having a problem.

How do I get my over-achieving daughter to slow down?

"I have taken the quiz and surprisingly found that I was a severely over indulgent parent. This angers me because I didn't think...

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How Should Parents Handle It When Their Teenager Refuses To Go to School?

When a teenager refuses to go to school, it can be challenging, especially if it becomes a recurring issue. As a parent, you may not know what to do, and you could find yourself frustrated and even angry. While it’s OK to feel that way, remember that how you respond will greatly affect your child. Yelling, threatening, and lecturing will likely increase your teen’s anxiety around school. Instead, practice curiosity and calmness, which will invite curiosity and calm from your child so you can best address the issue.

This article explores reasons why a teenager refuses to go to school — whether middle school or high school — and advice for how to best help them.

Common Reasons a Teenager Refuses To Go to School

When a teen refuses to attend class, you may be focused on judging the reasons as legitimate or fake. But if your child is avoiding the school environment, it could mean there’s a significant underlying issue. It’s important that you listen to what they’re telling you.

“Parents should be proactive to prevent these problems from becoming a crisis,” said Embark Behavioral Health Treatment Director Jake Sparks, LMFT. “They should stay connected with teachers, school counselors, and guidance counselors. It’s important that parents know how a teacher perceives the child is doing during the day while they’re at school.”

Here are a few reasons that may be why your teenager is refusing to go to school.

1. Learning problems 

If your child is dealing with a learning issue such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ( ADHD ), dyslexia, or memory deficits, they may feel like they’re not smart and can’t learn, resulting in internalized shame that makes it difficult to function at school, especially on test days or if they have to speak in front of the class. Their fear of being teased, ridiculed, or embarrassed can even cause anxiety. 

2. Bullying

Verbal or physical bullying can make it difficult for a teen to attend class. While many schools take a strict and hard stance against bullying, it continues to be a problem. And it’s even more difficult now than when you were young because technology makes it possible for teens to say devastating things to each other while hiding behind phones or computers. Using technology this way is known as cyberbullying .

3. Family stress or conflict

A wide variety of family-related issues can contribute to a teenager’s stress and cause them to avoid school. For example, a family member could be seriously or critically ill, or parents may have recently divorced or are splitting up.

4. Mental health disorders

The teen years are difficult to maneuver in the first place, but add mental health issues, including anxiety disorders such as social anxiety or depression , and they can be overwhelming. Your child may not feel up to interacting with peers and teachers, doing schoolwork, or participating in extracurricular activities.

5. Medical problems

Teens can be diagnosed with serious health issues that add a layer of stress to their lives, including asthma, epilepsy, cancer, diabetes, and cystic fibrosis. Going to doctor appointments, waiting for a diagnosis, or experiencing flareups in symptoms can add to your child’s stress and create a desire to not be in school.

What To Do If Your Teenager Refuses To Go to School

The most important thing you can do is remain supportive when your child is going through a hard time. They need to know you’re concerned about them and want what’s best for them. While mornings are busy, slow down and listen intently to see if you can hear or define the root of the problem. 

In some cases, your child may simply require a “rest” day. This day should be structured to include proactive activities that provide rejuvenation and connection. Sparks suggested:

• Going for a walk.
• Getting caught up on schoolwork.
• Going out to lunch for some one-on-one time with a parent.
• Exercising.
• Seeing a therapist.
• Cleaning their room or living space.

Sparks said while these activities may not seem restful at first glance, they ultimately lead to a decrease in symptoms and help a child be better prepared to go to school the next day.

Be in tune with your child’s needs to determine when and how often a rest day is necessary. It’s not about what you want for your teenager but rather what they need to be continuously successful.

Keep in mind, however, that mental health days aren’t meant to be an escape during the school year or a way to avoid typical responsibilities.

“Mental health days need to be proactive days to make the situation better,” Sparks said. “We all need a break from stressful situations, but you still have to address the issue behind not wanting to go to school if you’re to help the child feel better and get back to school.”

Here are additional steps Sparks recommended you take when your teen wants to stay home on a school day.

Validate their feelings

It’s important to never disregard or ignore your teenager’s feelings or fears regarding attending class. Sometimes children can literally feel sick about going.

Sparks said, “School refusal is often connected with physical conditions like stomachaches, flulike symptoms, fatigue, drowsiness, and headaches. They’re often ambiguous symptoms that could have more than one cause and can’t be proven, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t real. It doesn’t mean your child is lying to you. They can literally feel those things because of the distress they’re experiencing. A parent still needs to be empathetic when their child has these symptoms.”

Acknowledge how your teen feels and let them know you’re sorry they’re hurting. If it helps, put yourself in their shoes. Wouldn’t it feel good to know your parent understands you’re in pain and that going to school is difficult?

Create a plan for when your teen wants to stay home

Become familiar with coping skills that can reduce your child’s stress, such as journaling or practicing meditation or mindfulness, educate yourself and your child about them, and practice them at appropriate times. Remind your child to use these skills on hard days to see if they’ll help your child get to class.

Another way to help get your teen to attend class is to create a plan for what they can do when they do go and the school day gets tough. Give your child multiple options or, better yet, help them come up with their own ideas. Maybe they can call you during the day just to check in or go to the school nurse’s office to remove themselves from a stressful situation. 

Having a safe place to go when they feel overwhelmed will offer a sense of control in their day. It will let them collect themselves and regain their composure in a nonthreatening environment. They can use the coping skills you — or a therapist — taught them to calm down and, when they’re ready, return to class.

If your teenager is repeatedly refusing to go to school, communicate with teachers or school counselors so they know why your child is struggling to get to class and can provide extra support. For example, school staff may wish to discuss setting up a 504 plan. 504 plans include accommodations that help eligible students be successful at school, such as providing a tutor to assist with difficult subjects or allowing extra time to complete homework assignments.

If your teen is struggling with increased absences that are tied to their mental health, reach out for professional help. If they’ve never seen a mental health practitioner before, you can schedule an appointment with your child’s pediatrician or general practitioner as a starting point. They may recommend you follow up with a therapist. You can also contact a therapist directly. You can find one near you by using Psychology Today’s search tool .

If your teen is already seeing a therapist, make the therapist aware of your teen’s difficulties attending school so they can help your child work through this issue.

Be firm but patient

Once the core issues are addressed and your child has the appropriate tools and support for overcoming the root of their problem, school attendance should be expected.

Communicate your expectation and help your teen work through any concerns one step at a time. Point out the natural consequences of repeatedly not going to school, such as a negative impact on their grades and less time with friends.

Be cautious about offering rewards for school attendance, as that could lead your teen to hide their true feelings or concerns. This could make it more difficult to address the issues your child is facing.

If your teen continues to refuse to go to school, you may want to consider alternative schooling methods such as homeschooling or online learning.

Putting It All Together

A teenager who refuses to go to school will be more likely to attend class when they have supportive parents who acknowledge their feelings, are connected to school resources when needed, and can work with a mental health professional if they’re struggling with issues such as anxiety or depression.

“Kids do well when they can,” Sparks said. “We all want to do our best when we can.”

Embark is the most trusted name in teen and young adult mental health treatment. We’re driven to find the help your family needs. If you’re looking for support,  contact us today !

Related Posts

• Teen Angst: What to Expect During the Teenage Years .
• The Importance of Setting Healthy Boundaries With Your Teen .
• Ask a Therapist: How Do I Find a Good Therapist for My Teenager?   
• How to Talk to Your Teenage Daughter Without Losing Your Mind .
• Mental Health Care Tips for Dads With Teens .

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For families of Children's Minnesota

Refuses to do homework, related behaviors, what to do:.

Self-Talk. Say to yourself, "I wish my child wanted to do his homework. But I can be calm when he fights doing it. It's his job to do it and mine to encourage his learning how."

Empathy. Tell yourself, "I need to know what my child is thinking and feeling to help him be motivated to do his homework. When I put myself in his shoes, I'll be able to help him better. Sometimes I don't want to do work around the house or on my job, and I always have to figure out why before I can be motivated to do it."

Teach. Tell yourself, "I can help my child learn the SOCS method of problem-solving to help him understand the (S)situation, the (O)options he has for solving the problem, the (C)consequences of choosing each of those options and the (S)best solution. This is a good problem-solving strategy for children to use when they can understand the meaning of these words-situation, options, consequences and solution-- that will be useful throughout their lives.

Make a Daily Routine. Routines are valuable tools that help us all stay organized, so we can get done all the things we need to do. Routines also help to motivate us to get our work done in a focused way. A homework routine, for example, could be: Right after dinner is now a quiet time. All homework will be done during that time. If a child believably claims not to have homework, he can read during quiet time because it is a time when all family members are reading or working on a project.

Make Rules. A simple rule could be: TV and all electronic devices will be off during homework. To enforce the rule, make sure all portable devices are off and are put in a place away from the homework site. A chore rule could be: All chores will be done and inspected before devices can be used or the child can have playtime.

Use SOCS to Support Your Child's Problem-Solving. When your child won't do his homework, talk with him about what he's feeling. Is he upset about something going on in the class? Does he not understand the assignment? Is he worried that his teacher and you expect him to never make a mistake? When you know what the situation is-what your child is thinking and feeling-you can help him understand the options he has for solving the problem, the consequences of choosing each of those options and the best solution. This SOCS method: Situation, Options, Consequences and Solution is a caring, supportive way to build a problem-solving partnership with your child that helps him learn how to be resilient and that he can cope with a problem by thinking it through logically to come up with a solution that works for him.

Check Homework Assignments. As a "family manager", your task is to know what your child's job is, and in this case it's homework. When you know the assignments, you will know whether they have been completed. In addition, you can judge the quality of the homework that has been done. If your child says he has no homework, it's possible to check the school website. Most schools now post homework for each class in each grade. You are not responsible for doing the homework or even knowing what the homework is. But it is important for your child to know that you care and want to know-just as you would share a work project of your own.

Involve Your Child in the Plan. If your child is doing poorly because of incomplete homework assignments, poorly done work, failure to turn in the assignments on time, or any of the other issues that you know are resulting in grades that are below your child's ability, ask him what he plans to do about the problems. If he says, "I'll try harder," don't accept that as an answer. Instead ask, "What's your plan?" and help him pull together a detailed plan to correct the problem: Do all homework immediately after school. Parent checks it. Put it in notebook which goes in the backpack. Turn it in immediately in class. I'll correct my mistakes as soon as I get them." Now, that's a plan. Again, make this your child's plan, not yours. He is responsible for the plan and the work. Here is an example. Ask your child for his ideas!

Check Chore Completion. Most assigned chores have visible proof of completion. Empty wastebaskets are evidence that the trash chore has been done. A made bed shows that making a bed each morning was done. Fun activities are allowed when all chores are done satisfactorily.

Make a Chore Calendar. In order to ensure that children know their chore assignments, a calendar with chores listed could be posted. Monday: Empty Dishwasher, Tuesday: Empty wastebaskets, Wednesday: Vacuum the family room floor, etc. Each child will then check off the chore on that date when completed.

Use Grandma's Rule. You may have noted that in each case we've cited, the child can have his privileges only after work is done, which is the essence of Grandma's Rule. The when-then contract simply states, "when you have done what you are required to do, then you may do what you want to do." You manage your child's access to all of his privileges, such as electronic devices or play activities.

What not to do:

Don't Nag, Beg, Threaten. These won't teach your child how to get work done when it needs to be done.

Don't Punish for Incomplete Homework or Chores. Grounding and other punishments when things aren't done won't teach your child how to get things done. Punishment encourages lying to avoid the punisher-not what you want to teach.

Don't Take on His Responsibility. If you take the responsibility of getting your child's work done, he will never learn to do it himself. Sitting with him to help him finish his homework won't teach him how to take that responsibility. Doing incomplete chores because it's easier than getting him to do them won't help him learn to be responsible.

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The authors and Raised with Love and Limits Foundation disclaim responsibility for any harmful consequences, loss, injury or damage associated with the use and application of information or advice contained in these prescriptions and on this website. These protocols are clinical guidelines that must be used in conjunction with critical thinking and critical judgment.

Teen sent to juvenile detention for not completing homework speaks on ‘injustice’

“There are thousands of other Graces out there," the teen's mother said.

A Michigan mother and her teen daughter, who spent 78 days in juvenile detention after a judge ruled that she'd violated probation by not completing her homework, are speaking out about their experience, which they say was an injustice in the criminal justice system.

Wishing to be identified only as Grace -- her middle name -- the now-16-year-old, who is Black and has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, had struggled to keep up with the transition to remote learning during the coronavirus pandemic last year. She was placed on "intensive probation" in April 2020 after being charged with assault for fighting with her mother and larceny for stealing a schoolmate's cellphone after her mother took hers away.

Grace, who lives in suburbs outside of Detroit, said that she knew there would be consequences for those actions, but she didn't realize they would rise to such a level, and that she thinks they did because she's Black.

"If a white girl were to steal the phone and she has the same history as me, same background, same everything ... they would probably look at her and say, 'Hey, you know, you're not brought up like this,'" Grace told ABC News' Linsey Davis. "But for me, I feel like it was more of an 'OK, this is what we expect from Black people.'"

Charisse, Grace's mother who also asked to use her middle name, called her daughter's incarceration an "injustice" that should "not be forgotten ... that should never occur again."

"My daughter was penalized because of having a learning disability, which is her chronic ADHD," Charisse told ABC News.

Stream ABC News Live Prime weeknights at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. ET at abcnewslive.com .

Among the terms of her probation was a requirement that Grace complete all of her schoolwork on time. But she said the transition to virtual learning made her feel overwhelmed and anxious. She was matched with a caseworker who Charisse said she thought would help Grace get the support services she needed.

"When we first met, she had shared with us that one of her roles would be to help us through any issues, to keep my daughter on the straight and narrow," Charisse said. Instead "I got a violation," she said.

Within days of hearing Grace might have been behind on her schoolwork, the caseworker referred her to the court, recommending that she be placed in juvenile detention, according to ProPublica , which first reported the case. The Oakland County Family Court Division did not respond to ABC News' request for comment.

On May 14, Grace was subsequently brought before Oakland County family court Judge Mary Ellen Brennan, who at one point during the hearing said Grace was "a threat to the community." She ordered Grace to be taken into custody and sent to a county detention center named Children's Village. Her decision came after Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's coronavirus-related order to keep juveniles out of detention unless they posed "a substantial and immediate safety risk to others."

"If we called every person who's taken something or a person who's [gotten into] an argument with their mom ... I'm pretty sure everybody would be ... a threat to the community," Grace said.

Jonathan Biernat, one of Grace's lawyers, said that in the handling of her case, the court never got "any testimony from the school or the teacher -- anybody involved with her education. They got testimony from the probation officer, the prosecutor. And the judge made her decision based on that testimony."

MORE: Judge: Teen jailed over homework released from probation

Reporter Jodi Cohen, who investigated Grace's case for ProPublica, told ABC News that 42% of youth referred to the court in the county where Grace lives are Black despite Black youth making up only 15% of the county's population.

"Cases like Grace's, and others where you see young people of color … disproportionately represented at various contact points, to me, that points out systemic failures long before the court involvement started," said Jason Smith, executive director of the Michigan Center for Youth Justice. "We wouldn't be talking about disparity rates at the confinement level if there was more support in the community. ... we wouldn't rely on the justice system to address a lot of these issues that shouldn't be criminalized in the first place."

Charisse said she's still haunted by the memories of her daughter being handcuffed and taken into custody.

"I was devastated. It just didn't make any sense and I became very angry. I was furious," she said.

Grace still holds on to all the letters of support that she received during her time in juvenile detention, but she said one still stands out for her: The first one she sent to her mother from inside.

"Dear mommy, I miss you a lot, and being here is hard. I haven't really wrote you because I had to ask God to give me strength to do so. I couldn't write without crying or feeling bad for the rest of the day. ... Please continue to send me pictures of me and you or just with anyone. I love you, mommy, and I miss you," the letter reads in part.

MORE: 6 former youth detention center employees arrested on sexual assault charges

Cohen said that she received a call from Charisse in May 2020. After Charisse told her about Grace's situation, "it didn't sound right," Cohen said.

"Most lawyers who looked at the case didn't think it was possible to get her out of the detention center," Biernat said. "It would be too difficult to convince the judge to change your mind."

Salma Khalil, another of Grace's lawyers, added that "these cases are long, they're drawn out, they're complicated [and] they require a lot of resources."

ProPublica published Grace's story in mid-July 2020 and it quickly sparked widespread outcry -- far more attention than Charisse had expected, she said.

"We immediately started to receive phone calls from all over the country. We got calls from senators, we got calls from legislators in [Washington], D.C. It was amazing," Biernat said.

Cohen said she didn't expect her article to trigger a social media movement calling to free Grace. High school students slept outside, near the facility in protest of Grace's incarceration. A petition for her release garnered hundreds of thousands of signatures. And a grassroots organization led a 100-car caravan from Grace's school to the detention center.

Less than a week after the ProPublica article, as pressure to revisit Grace's case mounted, Brennan agreed to a hearing on a motion to release her from detention. During the hearing, Brennan recounted Grace's history of encounters with law enforcement, which go back to when she was a preteen, Cohen said, adding that Brennan used the hearing to make her point of view on the case public.

Meanwhile, Grace pleaded with the judge for her release, saying, "Each day, I try to be a better person than I was the last, and I've been doing that even before I was in this situation. I'm getting behind in my actual school while here [at the detention center]. The schooling here is beneath my level of education."

Brennan ultimately decided that Grace belonged in juvenile detention and denied her release. Khalil said that, at the hearing, Grace and Charisse hugged in what she described as a "heartbreaking moment."

"I think people need to remember that Grace and her mom have a very close bond," Khalil said. "Charisse raised Grace with her own hands. She's an involved mom, so the trauma that they are both experiencing and being separated from one another … it just breaks your heart that our system did that to them."

Biernat, however, said they "weren't going to sleep" until she'd been let go, and filed a petition with the Michigan Court of Appeals. It worked. Eleven days after the hearing, the appeals court ordered Grace to be released immediately.

Now, nearly a year after her experience, Grace is an honors student who enjoys taking pictures during her free time. She's also started to speak out about her experience, which has begun to catalyze change in the state. In June, Whitmer signed an executive order to create a task force on juvenile justice reform.

MORE: More than 30,000 children under age 10 have been arrested in the US since 2013: FBI

One of the goals of Whitmer's task force is to collect statewide data on the juvenile justice system's influence on youth who enter it, including how many youth within the justice system -- regardless of their race -- are there due to school discipline or academic issues. Smith said these numbers are currently "unknown."

"There are thousands of other Graces out there and we need to pay attention to those children," Charisse said. "Our Black girls are being criminalized. My child was criminalized because of her behavior and her ADHD, but Black girls are being criminalized just because of who they are."

Attorney Allison Folmar, a longtime family friend who is now representing them, told ABC News they are now planning to file a due process complaint against the school district where Children's Village is located, alleging that Grace was denied her right to adjust to remote learning as a student with ADHD.

"The Individuals with Disabilities [in Education] Act exists because you have to prohibit the very injustice that occurred in this case," Folmar said. "This federal act empowers students who are differently abled to learn in accordance with his or her individual ability and progress. Students cannot be forced into mainstream academic practice that leaves them at an educational disadvantage."

She went on, "So, this is about making sure that the educational system does not leave another child behind and … say we're speaking of this case, to criminalize the inability to learn in this type of situation."

While she noted that Grace is "still trying to recover academically" after her time in juvenile detention, Folmar also said that Grace "excels" when given "all of the necessary tools to thrive" and pointed to her becoming an honors student.

"We are simply trying to make her whole," Folmar said.

Since her learning plan had been disrupted by her incarceration, Folmar said they're now seeking compensation in the civil case to pay for the new school she's attending as well as the services she needs to succeed academically.

MORE: Hundreds claim decades of abuse by 150 youth center staffers

Grace said that her future plans include going to college and starting a computer information or cybersecurity business. She also said she wants to continue to advocate for others.

When asked if there was anything she would say to Brennan, Grace said she would tell her, "I'm not just what was on the papers. I'm not just what you saw from those reports or what you saw in those files. I have so many different attributes and I'm so different than just that, and I hope that she doesn't judge everyone based on just that."

ABC News' Gabriella Abdul-Hakim contributed to this report.

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Series: Grace

A Teenager Didn’t Do Her Online Schoolwork. So a Judge Sent Her to Juvenile Detention.

A 15-year-old in Michigan was incarcerated during the coronavirus pandemic after a judge ruled that not completing her schoolwork violated her probation. “It just doesn’t make any sense,” said the girl’s mother.

by Jodi S. Cohen

ProPublica is a nonprofit newsroom that investigates abuses of power. Sign up to receive our biggest stories as soon as they’re published.

This story was co-published with the Detroit Free Press and Bridge Magazine.

PONTIAC, Mich. — One afternoon in mid-June, Charisse* drove up to the checkpoint at the Children’s Village juvenile detention center in suburban Detroit, desperate to be near her daughter. It had been a month since she had last seen her, when a judge found the girl had violated probation and sent her to the facility during the pandemic.

The girl, Grace, hadn’t broken the law again. The 15-year-old wasn’t in trouble for fighting with her mother or stealing, the issues that had gotten her placed on probation in the first place.

She was incarcerated in May for violating her probation by not completing her online coursework when her school in Beverly Hills switched to remote learning.

Because of the confidentiality of juvenile court cases, it’s impossible to determine how unusual Grace’s situation is. But attorneys and advocates in Michigan and elsewhere say they are unaware of any other case involving the detention of a child for failing to meet academic requirements after schools closed to help stop the spread of COVID-19.

The decision, they say, flies in the face of recommendations from the legal and education communities that have urged leniency and a prioritization of children’s health and safety amid the crisis. The case may also reflect, some experts and Grace’s mother believe, systemic racial bias. Grace is Black in a predominantly white community and in a county where a disproportionate percentage of Black youth are involved with the juvenile justice system.

Across the country, teachers, parents and students have struggled with the upheaval caused by monthslong school closures. School districts have documented tens of thousands of students who failed to log in or complete their schoolwork: 15,000 high school students in Los Angeles , one-third of the students in Minneapolis Public Schools and about a quarter of Chicago Public Schools students .

Students with special needs are especially vulnerable without the face-to-face guidance from teachers, social workers and others. Grace, who has ADHD, said she felt unmotivated and overwhelmed when online learning began April 15, about a month after schools closed. Without much live instruction or structure, she got easily distracted and had difficulty keeping herself on track, she said.

“Who can even be a good student right now?” said Ricky Watson Jr., executive director of the National Juvenile Justice Network. “Unless there is an urgent need, I don’t understand why you would be sending a kid to any facility right now and taking them away from their families with all that we are dealing with right now.”

In many places, juvenile courts have attempted to keep children out of detention except in the most serious cases, and they have worked to release those who were already there, experts say. A survey of juvenile justice agencies in 30 states found that the number of youths in secure detention fell by 24% in March, largely due to a steep decline in placements.

In Michigan, Gov. Gretchen Whitmer issued an executive order in March that temporarily suspended the confinement of juveniles who violate probation unless directed by a court order and encouraged eliminating any form of detention or residential placement unless a young person posed a “substantial and immediate safety risk to others.” Acting on Whitmer’s order, which was extended until late May, the Michigan Supreme Court told juvenile court judges to determine which juveniles could be returned home.

Judge Mary Ellen Brennan, the presiding judge of the Oakland County Family Court Division, declined through a court administrator to comment on Grace’s case. In her ruling, she found Grace “guilty on failure to submit to any schoolwork and getting up for school” and called Grace a “threat to (the) community,” citing the assault and theft charges that led to her probation.

“She hasn’t fulfilled the expectation with regard to school performance,” Brennan said as she sentenced Grace. “I told her she was on thin ice and I told her that I was going to hold her to the letter, to the order, of the probation.”

That June afternoon, a month after the sentencing, Charisse left Children’s Village without seeing Grace, but she did pick up a shopping bag of clothes and toiletries she had delivered days earlier. She said officials had rejected them because they violated facility rules: underwear that wasn’t briefs; face wipes that contained alcohol; a pair of jeans deemed too tight.

Charisse counts each day they’re apart, and that was day No. 33. Another month has since passed, and there could still be months to go before they are at home together again.

Driving home, Charisse had to pull over soon after she turned onto the road leading away from the complex. She sat in a parking lot, sobbing.

“It just doesn’t make any sense,” she said. She shook her head as tears dampened the disposable blue face mask pulled down to her chin.

“Every day I go to bed thinking, and wake up thinking, ‘How is this a better situation for her?’”

It has always been just the two of them, Charisse and Grace.

Told by doctors that she would be unable to have children, Charisse, a consultant to nonprofit organizations, was shocked when she became pregnant at 44. She has raised Grace on her own after the girl’s father did not want to be involved, she said.

They did everything together: winter sports throughout Michigan, rounds of golf, going to the opera, singing to Tony Bennett on road trips. They even appeared in a “Pure Michigan” tourism ad. As a child, Grace wanted so much to be like her mother that she asked to be called Charisse No. 2.

When Grace hit her preteen years, however, their relationship became rocky. They argued about Grace keeping her room clean and doing schoolwork and regularly battled over her use of the phone, social media and other technology.

By the time Grace turned 13, the arguments had escalated to the point that Charisse turned to the police for help several times when Grace yelled at or pushed her. She said she didn’t know about other social services to call instead. In one incident, they argued over Grace taking her mother’s iPhone charger; when police arrived, they discovered she had taken an iPad from her middle school without permission. At her mother’s request, Grace entered a court diversion program in 2018 for “incorrigibility” and agreed to participate in counseling and not use electronic devices. She was released from the program early, her mother said.

While there was periodic family conflict, Grace has always had strong friendships and is active in her school and community, her mother said. She has helped run programs at church, played saxophone in the school band and composed music, and regularly participated in service projects.

The incident that led to her current situation happened Nov. 6, when someone called the police after hearing Charisse crying “Help me!” and honking her car’s horn. Grace, upset she couldn’t go to a friend’s house, had reached inside the car to try to get her mother’s phone and had bitten her mother’s finger and pulled her hair, according to the police report.

Police released Grace to a family friend to let the two cool down and referred the case to Oakland County court, where an assault charge was filed against her.

Weeks later, she picked up another charge, for larceny, after she was caught on surveillance video stealing another student’s cellphone from a school locker room.

“After I was caught, I felt instant remorse and guilt. I wanted to take back everything I had done,” Grace wrote in a statement to police. She said she had questioned herself even as she took the phone but wanted one after her mother took hers away.

The other student’s mother, who declined to comment for this story, told police she wanted to press charges, although the phone had been returned to her son soon after Grace took it. “My sincere hope is that any punitive action taken in this case be grounded in the goal of providing this student with opportunities for growth, change and future success,” she wrote in a statement to police.

In the months following the two incidents, Grace and her mother participated in individual and family therapy and Grace stayed out of trouble.

Charisse told a court caseworker assigned to the case that other than being irritable and getting “cabin fever” from being shut at home during the pandemic, “nothing significant” had taken place between the mother and daughter. There was no police contact after the November incidents, records show.

The April 21 juvenile court hearing on the larceny and assault charges against Grace was conducted via Zoom since the courts had shut down, with everyone calling in from their homes. Grace connected from her bedroom, her mother from their living room.

It had the familiar awkwardness of many online meetings: dropped audio; a dog barking in the background; participants swivelling in their chairs; the prosecutor losing his connection. (This hearing and others in the case were recorded, and a ProPublica reporter watched them at the Oakland County courthouse last month.)

Ashley Bishop, a youth and family caseworker for the court, told the judge she thought Grace would be best served by getting mental health and anger management treatment in a residential facility. The prosecutor, Justin Chmielewski, said he agreed. Grace’s court-appointed attorney, Elliot Parnes, said little but asked that she be given probation because she had committed no new offenses and because of the risk of COVID-19 in congregate facilities.

Parnes and Bishop declined to comment for this story and Chmielewski did not respond to calls.

Throughout the hearing, Grace took her glasses off to brush away tears and wiped her nose with her sleeve. She shook her head, which the judge later criticized as a sign of disagreement but which Grace told ProPublica signaled her disappointment in her past behavior. She raised her hand a couple times and asked, in a small voice, “Can I just say something please?”

“My mom and I do get into a lot of arguments, but with each one I learn something and try to analyze why it happened,” she said. “My mom and I are working each day to better ourselves and our relationship, and I think that the removal from my home would be an intrusion on our progress.”

Brennan admonished Grace for the fights with her mother, her thefts at school and behaving in a way that required police to come to their home. “Police,” she said. “Most people go through their entire youth without having the cops have to come to their house because they can’t get themselves together.”

But, citing the pandemic, Brennan decided not to remove Grace from her home and instead sentenced her to “intensive probation.” The terms of the probation included a GPS tether, regular check-ins with a court caseworker, counseling, no phone and the use of the school laptop for educational purposes only. Grace also was required to do her schoolwork.

“I hope that she upholds her end of the bargain,” Brennan said at the end of the hearing.

Schools across the country weren’t prepared for the abrupt turn to remote learning. Grace’s school, Groves High School, in one of the most well-regarded districts in the state, was no different.

In mid-March, thinking the closures might last for only a month, the district initially offered optional online activities and then recessed for an already-scheduled weeklong spring break. Soon after, Whitmer announced that schools would end face-to-face instruction for the rest of the year. The Birmingham Public Schools superintendent asked families for patience as schools moved to an online curriculum in mid-April and promised flexibility in their support. Officials said student work would be evaluated as credit/no-credit.

The initial days of remote school coincided with the start of Grace’s probation. Charisse was concerned that her daughter, who was a high school sophomore and had nearly perfect attendance, would have trouble without in-person support from teachers. Grace gets distracted easily and abandons her work, symptoms of her ADHD and a mood disorder, records show. Her Individualized Education Plan, which spelled out the school supports she should receive, required teachers to periodically check in to make sure she was on task and clarify the material, and it allowed her extra time to complete assignments and tests. When remote learning began, she did not get those supports, her mother said.

Days after the court hearing, on April 24, Grace’s new caseworker, Rachel Giroux, made notes in her file that she was doing well: Grace had called to check in at 8:57 a.m.; she reported no issues at home and was getting ready to log in to do her schoolwork.

But by the start of the following week, Grace told Giroux she felt overwhelmed. She had forgotten to plug in her computer and her alarm didn’t go off, so she overslept. She felt anxious about the probation requirements. Charisse, feeling overwhelmed as well, confided in the caseworker that Grace had been staying up late to make food and going on the internet, then sleeping in. She said she was setting up a schedule for Grace and putting a desk in the living room where she could watch her work.

“Worker told mother that child is not going to be perfect and that teenagers aren’t always easy to work with but you have to give them the opportunity to change,” according to the case progress notes. “Child needs time to adjust to this new normal of being on probation and doing work from home.”

Five days later, after calling Charisse and learning that Grace had fallen back to sleep after her morning caseworker check-in, Giroux filed a violation of probation against her for not doing her schoolwork.

Giroux told the prosecutor she planned to ask the judge to detain Grace because she “clearly doesn’t want to abide by the rules in the community,” according to the case notes.

Grace has said in court and in answers to questions from ProPublica that she was trying to do what was asked of her. She had checked in with her caseworker every day and complied with the other requirements of intensive probation, including staying at home and obeying all laws. She had told her special education teacher that she needed one-on-one help and began receiving daily tutoring the day after the probation violation was filed.

Giroux filed the violation of probation before confirming whether Grace was meeting her academic requirements. She emailed Grace’s teacher three days later, asking, “Is there a certain percentage of a class she is supposed to be completing a day/week?”

Grace’s teacher, Katherine Tarpeh, responded in an email to Giroux that the teenager was “not out of alignment with most of my other students.”

“Let me be clear that this is no one’s fault because we did not see this unprecedented global pandemic coming,” she wrote. Grace, she wrote, “has a strong desire to do well.” She “is trying to get to the other side of a steep learning curve mountain and we have a plan for her to get there.”

Giroux declined to comment. Tarpeh told a reporter she was not allowed to discuss Grace’s case.

The May 14 hearing to decide whether Grace had violated her probation, and what would happen if she had, took place at the Oakland County courthouse when the Family Division was hearing only “essential emergency matters.”

Grace’s case was the only one heard in person in the courthouse that day.

Grace’s attorney, concerned about his health, participated by Zoom, though he told the judge it was difficult to represent her without being there. He told the judge he decided not to request a postponement because the family was worried she would detain Grace if they waited for a later court date.

The prosecution called Giroux, the caseworker, as its only witness. In response to questions from Grace’s attorney, she acknowledged she did not know what type of educational disabilities Grace had and did not answer a question about what accommodations those disabilities might require. Her assessment that Grace hadn’t done her schoolwork was based on a comment her mother made to her teacher, which Charisse testified she said in a moment of frustration and was untrue.

Grace’s special education teacher, Tarpeh, could have provided more information and planned to testify but had to leave the hearing to teach a class, according to the prosecutor.

Grace and her mother testified that she was handling her schoolwork more responsibly — and that she had permission to turn in her assignments at her own pace, as long as she finished by the end of the semester. And, Charisse said, Grace was behaving and not causing her any physical harm.

The transition to virtual school had been difficult, Grace testified, but she said she was making progress. “I just needed time to adjust to the schedule that my mom had prepared for me,” she said.

Brennan was unconvinced. Grace’s probation, she told her, was “zero tolerance, for lack of a better term.”

She sent her to detention. Grace was taken out of the courtroom in handcuffs.

From March 16, when Michigan courts began limiting operations to mitigate the spread of COVID-19, to June 29, at least 24 delinquency cases involving youth in Oakland County court resulted in placements to juvenile facilities. Of those, more than half involved young people who are Black, like Grace.

Those numbers, obtained by ProPublica from the Oakland County Circuit Court, reflect long-standing racial disparities in the state and county’s juvenile justice system. From January 2016 through June 2020, about 4,800 juvenile cases were referred to the Oakland court. Of those, 42% involved Black youth even though only about 15% of the county’s youth are Black.

A report released last month , which found inadequate legal representation for juveniles in Michigan, noted that research has shown a disproportionate number of youth of color are incarcerated in Michigan overall. Black youth in the state are incarcerated more than four times as often as their white peers, according to an analysis of federal government data by The Sentencing Project, a nonprofit that addresses racial disparities in the criminal justice system.

“It is clear that kids of color are disproportionately involved and impacted by the system across the board,” said Jason Smith of the nonprofit Michigan Center for Youth Justice, which works to reduce the confinement of youth. “They are more likely to be arrested, less likely to be offered any kind of diversion, more likely to be removed out of the home and placed in some sort of confinement situation.”

In Grace’s case, too, she was sent to a facility at a time when the governor had encouraged courts to send children home.

At the county-run Children’s Village, which has space for 216 youth in secure and residential settings, the population was down to 80 last week, according to the facility manager. There have been no COVID-19 cases in the youth population and four workers have tested positive from contacts outside Children’s Village, she said.

During March and April, 97 juveniles were released from Children’s Village by court order, said Pamela Monville, the Oakland County deputy court administrator. “We understood the orders and the concerns to stop the spread,” she said. Judges, caseworkers and attorneys worked together to determine “who could go back to the community,” she added.

Juvenile justice experts and disability advocates decried the decision to remove Grace from her home, particularly when “the state gave clear directives that children, and all people, unless it was a dire emergency, were to be kept out of detention,” said Kristen Staley, co-director of the Midwest Juvenile Defender Center, which works to improve juvenile defense across eight states.

Terri Gilbert, a former supervisor for juvenile justice programming in Michigan and a high-profile advocate, said the system suffers from inconsistencies in treatment and sentencing, aggravated by a lack of public information.

“This is too harsh of a sentence for a kid who didn’t do their homework. … There is so much research that points to the fact that this is not the right response for this crime,” said Gilbert, a member of a governor-appointed committee that focuses on juvenile justice. “Teenage girls act out. They get mouthy. They get into fights with her mothers. They don’t want to get up until noon. This is normal stuff.”

Monville said Brennan, a judge since 2008, “made the decision she made based on what she heard and her experience on the bench.”

But officials at the Michigan Protection & Advocacy Service, the state disabilities watchdog organization, said they were especially troubled that a student with special needs — one of the most vulnerable populations — was punished when students and teachers everywhere couldn’t adjust to online learning.

“It is inconceivable that, given the utterly unprecedented situation, a court would enforce expectations about what student participation in school means that was not tied to the reality of education during a pandemic,” said Kris Keranen, who oversees education for the group.

Charisse says the “greatest pain and devastation” of her life was watching Grace handcuffed in the courtroom. She got a letter in the mail a few days later:

“I want to change. I want to be a better person. Here I’ve realized how much you care and love me. I’m sorry I took that for granted. Please continue to send me pictures of me and you or just with anyone. I love you mommy and I miss you.”

On Juneteenth, the day that commemorates the end of slavery, Charisse sat alone at her kitchen table, the wall behind her covered with Grace’s childhood artwork. As the country faced a reckoning over systemic racism, the day had taken on increased recognition and Charisse lamented she and Grace couldn’t mark it together as they usually did, attending programs at church or at the Museum of African American History in Detroit.

Charisse made strawberry lemonade with fresh watermelon, a variation on the traditional red Juneteenth drink, and talked to Grace the only way she could, through a video call monitored by a Children’s Village case coordinator. The longest they had ever been separated before was when Grace attended a leadership sleepaway camp for six weeks over the summer.

“Juneteenth is all about freedom and you can’t even celebrate. What do you have? It has been taken away,” she said to her daughter.

Other than three recent visits, they have seen each other only on screen, including during a court status hearing in early June. On that day, Charisse watched as Grace walked into a room at Children’s Village handcuffed and with her ankles shackled, her mother said.

“For us and our culture, that for me was the knife stuck in my stomach and turning,” Charisse said. “That is our history, being shackled. And she didn’t deserve that.”

At the hearing, both Grace and her mother pleaded with the judge to return her home. “I will be respectful and obedient to my mom and all other people with authority,” Grace said. “I beg for your mercy to return me home to my mom and my responsibilities.”

The judge, however, sided with the caseworker and prosecutor. They agreed that Grace should stay at the Children’s Village not as punishment, but to get treatment and services. She ordered her to remain there and set a hearing to review the case for Sept. 8. By then, it will be a week into the new school year.

On Juneteenth, Charisse and Grace spoke for their full allotted 45 minutes. Grace wore a light blue polo shirt her mother had dropped off a few days earlier. Her hair was pushed back with a Lululemon headband.

Their conversation began with the mundane: Charisse reminded Grace to use her deodorant, and Grace said she needed to get her glasses fixed. But it landed, inevitably, at the frustration they both feel.

“I want you to write in your journal,” Charisse told Grace. She urged her “not to get too comfortable” in detention. “I want you to do what you are supposed to do, but I don’t want you to feel like this is your new norm.”

Grace’s initial weeks in detention were “repetitive and depressing,” she recently told ProPublica in response to written questions.

Grace was required to stay in her locked room from 8:30 p.m. to 8:30 a.m. She couldn’t turn the lights on and off herself and she slept on a mattress on a concrete slab, she said. She passed the time by reading, drawing and watching some TV.

The local school district provided packets of material but no classes. She said that she has not yet worked with a teacher in person or online, and that she meets less regularly with a therapist at Children’s Village than she did at home.

She has since been transferred to a long-term treatment program at Children’s Village, where she has a bit more freedom. Still, she tells her mother, it’s difficult to think about what she’s missing. “Everyone is moving past me now and I’m just here,” she said during the Zoom call.

A Children’s Village case coordinator, listening, tried to be encouraging. “You are doing very well right now,” she said. “Whatever happens, it looks good. You are respectful, you are following the rules.”

Then she told them their time was up.

“Stay strong,” Grace told her mom.

“You stay strong, too,” her mother replied. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

ProPublica is using middle names for the teenager and her mother to protect their identities.

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Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Consequences & Rewards

“Why Don’t Consequences Work for My Teen?” Here’s Why…and How to Fix It

By megan devine, lcpc.

If you’re having trouble giving effective consequences to your teen, know that you are not alone. Many parents tell me that nothing seems to work and that coming up with the right thing for their child can seem like an impossible task.

If you’re the parent of an adolescent, you may have grounded your child, taken away their video games, or suspended their driving privileges for months on end. But as James Lehman says, you can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior—it just doesn’t work that way.

“You can’t punish kids into acceptable behavior.”

Rather, an effective consequence should encourage your child to change their behavior — whether that is abiding by the house rules or treating people respectfully. So first, you need to identify the behavior you want to change.

For example, if your child swears when they don’t get their way, you want them to behave more appropriately. Instead of grounding or punishing , or even reasoning with your child when they get angry and lash out, an effective consequence here would require your child to practice better behavior – and improve their self-control – for a period of time before their normal privileges are restored.

Let’s break this down according to The Total Transformation Program :

• Effective consequences are connected to the original behavior and are both task- and time-specific.
• “Connected to the original behavior” means that your consequence needs to be related to the behavior you want to see your child change or improve.
• “Task-specific” means that there is something your child needs to accomplish or practice related to the original problem. This is a concrete behavior, like washing the dishes, meeting curfew, or not swearing.
• “Time specific” means there is a specific amount of time in which they needs to demonstrate that behavior.

So, when your child swears, they might lose access to their electronics until they can go without swearing for two hours. The consequence is tied to the behavior. They swore, so they have to practice not swearing. This consequence is task-specific – it requires them to exercise the part of their brain that governs self-control. If they want their stuff back, they have to practice better behavior. And it’s time-specific – they need to demonstrate self-control for two hours. Only then are they free to have their privileges back.

It’s important to understand that you can’t get your child not to feel angry or frustrated. That’s just part of being human. But you can require that they change the way they deal with those feelings. You can expect them to practice some self-control. Your goal is to require that your child practice the better behavior for a certain amount of time before they get their privileges back. So practice and behavioral improvement equals the restoration of privileges.

If they yell about their consequence, or how unfair it is, you can say:

“I understand that you’re angry. Yelling is not going to get you what you want. Once you’ve been able to deal with your anger appropriately for two hours, you will get your electronics back.”

Do not continue to explain your consequences or justify your decisions. They may mumble to themselves or text their friends about how awful you are, and it may take some time, but eventually, your child will decide to practice those skills that earn back their electronics.

How to Choose a Consequence

Think of it this way: a privilege is a motivator. The withdrawal or granting of a privilege should give your child an incentive to follow the rules of your house, even when they don’t agree with those rules.

An effective consequence is a privilege your child is interested in. For some kids, video games are a powerful motivator, while other kids could care less about them. Taking away a cell phone for two hours works for some kids while others would just find another way to communicate.

In order to choose the right privilege to use as a consequence, you have to know your child. What are their interests? What would really impact them if they lost it for a short period of time? Some parents tell us that using the blanket term “all electronics” works better than just saying “no video games,” which can make kids turn to YouTube as a distraction.

Remember, the right privilege should be an activity that your child will actually miss. Withhold that privilege until your child completes the task you’ve set for them.

James Lehman suggests that you sit down with your child and come up with a list of privileges and consequences together. The advantage here is that you are working as a team to solve the problem. It can help you identify things or activities your child truly values. It also clarifies what the consequences will be for certain infractions—for everyone involved. Not only will your child know what will happen if they break a certain rule, but the parents don’t have to spend time coming up with something in the heat of the moment.

What If Your Child Doesn’t Seem to Care What You Use as a Consequence?

Many parents call the Empowering Parents parent coaching team , saying that their kid doesn’t seem to care what they take away. One dad said to me in exasperation,

“Even though my daughter lives to text, she acts like she could care less when her phone is taken away. Nothing works with her!”

Some kids appear not to care what activity you restrict; they pretend they didn’t want to do it anyway.

But look at it this way: would your child really want you to know that they care about the consequence you’re giving them? Would they reveal their reaction to you and let you know you got to them? That would make it seem like you have power over them, and they aren’t about to concede on that one.

So some kids, like the teenage girl above, feign indifference when you remove a privilege. If you’ve watched your child and know that what you’re taking away really does impact them, don’t worry about whether or not they seem suitably upset at the loss of it. Give the consequence time to work.

What If the Consequences Still Aren’t Working?

So what if you know you’ve chosen a valuable privilege and your consequences still aren’t working? The key here is to take a look at the length of time privileges are removed. Is it too long? Does your child lose interest in what you’ve taken away (the “out of sight, out of mind” dilemma)? Is the time frame so long that your child can’t possibly be successful (no swearing for a whole month)?

Remember, your goal is to create better behavior in your child, and the consequence/privilege needs to encourage that improvement by being time-specific. If you truly want your child to improve their behavior, you need to create an environment in which your child can succeed. The time span of your consequence is important – it should be long enough that your child has to stretch their skills and short enough that you have a good chance of seeing improvement.

In summary, to be effective, a consequence needs to be short-term, task-specific, and involve a privilege your child values. Your goal here is to produce a child who can respond to limits, meet responsibilities, and demonstrate age-appropriate behavior. Your consequences and privileges help get them there.

Be Persistent and Consistent

One last word of advice: parents often want to see their child’s behavior improve overnight. If you are faced with a child who behaves inappropriately under stress, your consequences should require them to practice and get better. Don’t expect perfection immediately. Like any new skill, better behavior takes practice.

When implementing a new consequence, you can expect some failure. You can expect that you may need to restart a couple of times. In the beginning, you may find that your child behaves inappropriately every day and has their privileges removed often. That doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong consequence. It simply means your child needs time to practice better skills. And they need you to be consistent and to keep them practicing.

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About Megan Devine, LCPC

Megan Devine is a licensed clinical therapist, former Empowering Parents Parent Coach, speaker and writer. She is also the bonus-parent to a successfully launched young man. You can find more of her work at refugeingrief.com , where she advocates for new ways to live with grief.

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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. We wouldn't recommend using Prom or other special events as a consequence, as Sarah Bean explains in this article: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/8-parental-rules-for-prom-night-should-you-ever-take-away-prom/. Taking away things like prom, birthday celebrations, or Christmas tends to cause a lot of resentment and very little behavior change. A more productive approach would be having her return the stolen merchandise and take accountability that way. For more information on effective consequences, you can check out these articles: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/consequences-rewards/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

My son is 14,grade8, hehas the attitude of not caring, following no rules, never doing what I ask, unless I nagg continuously, he is a grade leader representative, but his marks are dismall, I have grounded, taken his games, now the phone because he is failing Maths, says he never has homework and rarely studies. I am a single Mom, after separating due to a very toxic marriage that I couldn't "fix", I am at the point of letting him go live with his Dad, who is an alcoholic or putting him in a boarding school,I don't know what to do, and it makes me feel that I am his problem.I suggested a councilor but he is not very open to that. I can let him go live with my brother, but that would make me feel even more like I failed as his Mom and protector. Pls help with any advice.

He is very strong willed, intelligent and waisting away, my concern is, it is like he is oblivious to the effect it has on me emotionally and also our household, as he has a 7year old sister that is always caught in our arguments, I feel I am failing him, no matter what I do, it's not working.

Any advice would be appreciated

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. 14 can be a tough age and the behaviors you describe are not uncommon for teens. Many parents I speak to as a parenting coach have shared similar stories, so you are not alone. It will be most productive to focus on just one or two behaviors at a time - trying to address too many things at once can be overwhelming, for both the parent and the child. You may find this article helpful when trying to decide what your next step will be:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.

We are having a on going issues with my 14 F step daughter stealing from especially me, but it is also he younger brother and dad. Everyone has there own personal belongings, even bathroom products. The stealing has gotten so bad I have a closet with all my items locked up we don't want her to take. My husband thought he closed the door open this morning to the closet, but he is not sure or she took my keys and opened it not sure ( which she done in the past), but she was in it. She took hair ties, if it is unlocked

she can't help herself. It doesn't matter what we do, we have ground her for it, made her do chores to pay it back & ( ground her), striped her room down to bare essentials for two weeks. What she takes is anywhere from hair products to toothbrush mainly, occasions clothes, and underwear. We supply her with her own personal bathroom products so instead of asking for new shampoo because she is low, she just takes mine. Takes toothbrush and puts them back. This has been going on for about two years, we have tired counselors, nothing seems to work. Her brother doesn't behave this way, either he is fairly respectful of other people things.

Thank you for reaching to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I can hear how distressed you are with your teen daughter's behavior and choices. It can be tough to know how to hold your child accountable when it seems like they don't care about anything and their behavior keeps getting worse. Janet Lehman wrote an excellent article about how to get control back in these types of situations. You can find that article here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/scared-of-your-defiant-child-learn-how-to-get-back-your-parental-control/. Another article you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/kids-who-ignore-consequences-10-ways-to-make-them-stick/.

My son is 13 years old and resides in My Home primarily, but I spend time at his other parents house on a regular basis. He spends the night there every Thursday & also on alternating weekends (Thursday after school thru Monday drop off at school).

Both households have very different expectations and rules - and, the other parent refuses to communicate about anything whatsoever.

He rarely touches his homework while he is at his other parent’s house, and spends most of his time, playing video games and messing around online. When he returns home, he constantly has a ton of make up work and it negatively impacts our whole household because he is constantly doing homework here. He plays the Xbox, watches, YouTube, and messes around online pretty much the entire time he is there, and neglects the things that he knows he needs to do.

How do I hold him accountable? The other challenge is that when a punishment is necessary that the other parent will not enforce anything at the other home. So if we take away the Xbox or Internet privileges, I don’t think it really bothers him when he knows he gets to go spend several days away doing what he would like to do online.

Do you have any advice on how to implement effective consequences for his behavior that cannot be undermined by the reprieves that he spends away? Quite frankly, I feel like I am being punished for him not behaving over there because he’s constantly doing everything to make up here and it’s just unpleasant.

If I didn’t bother helping him to catch up when he returns home after each visit, he’s likely be failing all of his classes. I want to teach him that it’s important to finish the tasks that he is assigned, regardless of who’s house he is at, & that he’s capable of doing what he knows he should. Do you have any advice?

My daughter is doing things like stealing my car, sneaking out in the middle of the night, having sex, has d’s and f’s on her report card, lying, manipulating, fighting with family members constantly, it is just always something with her. i just planned a beach trip for just she and i because i have other kids and don’t get much one on one time with her that she craves so we went. while there, she was constantly disrespecting my 75 year old grandmother and grandfather, my cousin and the friend. i decided leaving was best so that everyone’s vacation wouldn’t be ruined and instead of just packing and getting in the car, she damaged the hotel, starting screaming and throwing things and took off running screaming at the top of her lungs to call the police and acted like i was abusing her. the police came and almost took me to jail(i was in handcuffs in the cop car) until they got the story from everyone and realized that this is a repeat thing she does to try and get her way.

when we got home i took all electronics like phone, ipad, mac book, apple watch/pencil, etc. only to find out she found where i hid them & got her phone back herself. she has no respect for anyone!!!

what do i do?

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. It sounds like you have a lot going on with your daughter right now. I can understand both your concern and your frustration. It will be most productive to focus on one behavior or area of concern at a time. Because it can be difficult sometimes to figure out what behavior to start with, I often suggest parents make a list of all the behaviors they are seeing and focus on the most difficult behavior first. Carole Banks discusses this in her article, "My Child's Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?" How To Coach Your Child Forward as well. This will help you to start developing a culture of accountability in your home.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents Community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

Our 21 year old lives with us at home, and he makes promises and does not keep them. He needed to send his resume to us and some other paperwork and promises to do it but doesn't follow through.

We have talked to him and nothing changes, he has social anxiety and it takes him a while to adjust to new situations. We don't understand how to help him? Please advise.

CUL4 Thank you , all for sharing. I have a Teenager daughter who nothing works for. She won't attend school, therapy and punishment of any kind doesn't work.she just leaves. I block her path and she jumps out the window. Nothing works.. but reading your questions helps me not feel More alone. Thank you

My 11 years old daughter has anger issue lately. when she can't get what she wants especially electronics talks loud and with too much pressure.

i also don't know what activity to substitute if I limit the electronic time. She is not interested in reading books, playing her instrument ....

please advise me

I am so sorry for your loss. I can understand how upsetting your son's behaviors are and can hear how distressing it is for you. I'm glad to hear both of your children are in therapy. Loss of a parent can be be especially hard on adolescents and teens, even if their outward behavior may not show that. I encourage you to check in with your son's therapist about this and follow his recommendations on consequences.

Thank you for checking on and sharing your story.

Mother of a teenage boy My 15yr old son in the last 3 months has done some concerning things such as take my mother’s car to the shop (no license), and got caught bunking school and also vaping. I’m at a loss what to do I have taken his phone from him and the next More thing is touch rugby which he loves. My question is touch rugby has given him confidence will I be making the situation worse if I take it away from him ?

It's just not possible for a parent to take a cellphone or laptop or computer from a child, who is taller/bigger than parent. I was following the advice in this article (several times) and we always end up "wrestling". A teen kid will not just hand you his cellphone, he will not let you easily pick up his laptop, etc. What to do then?

How to make them do their schoolwork/homework also not clear to me, because they just will not do it.I tried to convince him, I tried to offer extra time on computer,I was promissing to buy something,etc ,he still will not do it. Please advise.

You bring up an excellent point. WE would not recommend getting into any sort of physical power struggle with your child trying to make them hand over the device. You might instead turn off service to the device or turn off the Wi-Fi. You may find this article on fail proof consequences helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/odd-kids-consequences-that-work-on-oppositional-defiant-rebellious-children/

Thank you for reaching out.

Consequences-You day to take something away for a short time and have them work towards it.

My son is the size of a man.

My son has gone into depression and laid on his bed for days without anything.

My son has ran away for days at a time.

My son would prefer to be kicked out of school.

I have called the police about my son. They have done NOTHING and the advice given was get into therapy and a parenting program.

My son won’t attend therapy.

Parenting programs say “have consequences, follow through, take things away!”

Help please.

Deb W. I try taking away phones, videos game, tv etc for my not listening or being angry nothing seems to help. they don't care about things being taken away from them. Do you have another consequence I can try? I try sending them to their rooms. It did nothing. More I try making them sitting on timeout chair nothing seems to bother them. Help!

Lisa my Daughter when she is very upset and we take away something sometimes she physically trys to keep that object(usually some type of electronics) like making us grab for it; or just flat out refusing to hand it over? I have found myself wrestling with her(to her outward amusement) for More the device..how do I proceed here?

Our son was a straight A child. Never had trouble in school. Seemed effortless. He started 6 grade middle school in August, he almost failed 3 classes. The rest are A’s. At first I thought he was just overwhelmed with all of the teachers and assignments. Having to be accountable but now I feel like no matter how much we try to help, and how much we take away. He just zones out, like it’s no big deal that he is failing. He isn’t doing his homework. We ask him right after school daily, he looks you’d traight in the eyes and says “no homework”

So we can actually see 2 of his class assignments online but the rest you can’t. So we got 2 of the grades up but he isn’t taking notes and again, his work isn’t getting done. I have tried so many things. I feel lost and helpless. Any ideas?

Passedmylimit I have 18 year old daughter.very good hearted goes to school with good grades and works. Downfall..even though she was warned she sneaks out the house takes grandpa's car ..thinks she can come and go as she pleases and smokes pot..she doesn't even deny it or try to cover up More the smell.after the last warning of curfew I was out at 4 am looking for her ..argumnents with my husband over this behavior when she finally answered her phone I made her return home pack her belongings and find a place to live where she can do what she wanted. She found a friend that came and got her and has been out since.i feel so awful and empty for this but she was warned multiple times that this would happen. I have taken her off our phone plan and she will be paying that herself. She was not paying rent and chores where done half way. I also have an 11 year old that sees this.i will not have her believe that this behavior is ok. Did i do the right thing? Or did I do more damage.please help!

That you don't want to punish your child.

But apply consequences from a power point of view by withholding things that they prefer sounds to me liking punishing.

Sitting together to think about working consequences doesn't seems to sounds to me liking working like a team.

If your child doesn't come up or agree with a consequence what do you do than.

Let it go our use your hierarchical advances to force them in choosing.

I think for testing if your way of parenting is reasonable you can do the following. If your team lead at work will do the same things to do as you do to your child would you like that, would you agree, would you stay or would you do differently. If you say you would to differently then you may need to rethink your parenting style at home.

Jens My wife does exactly what you recommend with our teenage son, who has been diagnosed with both ADHD and autism, and the only result is escalation, threats of violence, or violent behavior. As a stepfather, my wife does not allow me to interfere.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach Thank you for your question. This is a common scenario we hear from many parents, so you are not alone in experiencing this. We do not recommend trying to physically wrestle away devices from kids, mainly because it causes things to escalate even more and increases the chances More that someone might get hurt as you described. Instead, it tends to be more effective to set a clear limit (such as, “Your phone needs to be on the kitchen table in 2 minutes. If not, there will be additional consequences”), and walk away to allow things to cool down. If your child refuses to hand over electronics, it’s going to be more effective to focus on where you have control, which is over yourself and your own responses. Sara Bean outlines some options in her article, 4 Steps to Managing Your Child’s Screen Time . Please be sure to let us know if you have additional questions. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you have faced with your son, and I’m glad that you are here reaching out for support. Many parents feel frustrated with their child’s attitude, so you are not alone. The truth is, trying to make your son “care” or improve More his attitude is likely to be frustrating, because he is ultimately the one in charge of how he feels about a given situation. It’s going to be more effective to focus on meeting his responsibilities and following the rules, regardless of how he might feel about a given situation. In addition, I recommend starting with one concrete behavior, such as following directions the first time, rather than a broad concept like respect. You can find more information and tips in “My Child’s Behavior Is So Bad, Where Do I Begin?” How to Coach Your Child Forward . I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your son. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. I hear how concerned you are about your niece’s behavior. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside More of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues. The 211 National Helpline is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups, kinship services as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Suzie Perth It's been months since my last post. 

Our 16 year old daughter's life has been turned upside down since she left home in September last year. She is now staying with the older boyfriend and his father. (both the boy and his father have a mental illness). They have isolated her from her family. 

The school had believed what my daughter had told them and that's why they helped her, however as soon as she was supposedly classified as an independent adult and started receiving benefits from the government (Up to $650 a fortnight), she stopped going to school. The school refused to tell us anything. Whether she was attending school. How she was doing. This drove our family into despair. Once the school psychologist came back from long service leave, he straightened everything out with the school staff as we had been in contact with him for years and knew how we were struggling with her. Then we learnt that she hadn't been attending school so we tried getting her to go back. My husband went around to where she was staying and she promised to go back and she never did. He was going there almost daily as she doesn't want to give us her mobile phone number. 

We've tried stopping the payments she is receiving because she does not qualify to receive the payments. You need to be attending school or working in order to receive the payments, however the government youth worker decided not to stop the payments which we felt is not teaching our daughter to be honest and it certainly wont encourage her to go back to school. She did badly in the last exams. 

She admitted before she left home that her friends were drinking and taking drugs. The father of the boy wont answer our calls as he said he's not responsible for her. He did advertise to the school and other people that she had lost her virginity in his home. We have limited contact with her via skype. 

She has been an aggressive person and asked us if she had always been like that at home as other people are telling her she is aggressive. Yes, we had to put up with a lot. Our 11 year old twins are much happier now that she is gone and are reluctant to have her back home as she was always mean to them. 

Last week we found some very suggestive photos she placed on the internet and I asked her immediately to remove them as she is not allowed to post that on the internet due to child protection laws. She hasn't removed them. She has gone right down and lost all self respect. She sees me as being the person to blame for everything that's gone wrong in her life as she cannot accept responsibility for what she has done. The rudeness we get from her has just slowly pushed us all away from her as she has nothing nice to say. We were told by many people and professionals to stop all contact, as it is not of any benefit. We were having 1 skype message every week sometimes every 2 weeks. We are to wait till she hits rock bottom and she asks for help. 

We NEVER realised that parenting would be as emotionally challenging and as difficult as this as my husband and I were not rebellious. 

On a good note, our 11 year old twins are learning from this and said they will not behave as she has, when they get to that age. We have to focus on our twins and try and move on, which is not easy as I think of her ALL the time, which is wrong as I should be more focused on our children at home.. Our marriage is stronger than before, as we've worked together on trying to parent our troubled daughter. She will hopefully learn from her mistakes and we know it's going to take a very long time to mend our relationship with her. Unfortunately things will never go back to what they were before mixing with the wrong group of people. The desire for her to be accepted by her peers outweighed the values she once had.

It has been good reading and knowing, we are not alone and that so many people are having problems with their children. We have felt really embarrassed, ashamed, very hurt, by what our daughter has done but we've had  to put that behind us and move on or else we'll always be unhappy. This is just a point in ones life and this is our turning point, to move on and let her get on with her life knowing that we've done the best we could.

Jamid1 This has been a huge help for me. I read the suggested article along with some others on this website. I have learned to be firm but not argumentative with my son. I try to give him a minute to spout out all his frustrations verbally without interrupting and when More hes done simply remind him that I asked him to do whatever discipline and that's it. If he continues to be combative I simply tell him to go to his room and cool off and then I walk away. I also had a candid conversation with him after the above incident. I told him that I would not hesitate to call the police in order to protect myself as well as protect him from doing something he would regret. Though he was initially very upset that I would "call the cops" I think it helped him realize how unruly his behavior really was. We agreed that we would both try to be less combative and that if I asked him to go to his room he would simply do so to take a few minutes to cool off before we continue our conversation. Thank you so much!

Poppy234 ADHD parent I try saying OK its your choice, you can give up your phone now for 15 minutes or when you are asleep I will take it and you lose it for 2 hours tomorrow. Or similar. They still get mad though. Also when you have the phone for More 2 hours, they can shorten that time by doing chores. I have to keep stressing that it is HER choice not mine, it is within her power to get her phone back more quickly. She may still have kept the phone on this occasion but eventually may make the choice to give it up as its less hassle in the long run.

Poppy234 @Family With our daughter more sleep helps so much with temper outbursts. Try tracking how cross he is and matching with how much sleep he has. So we lie with her and rub her back, it helps to make sure she gets to sleep not too late.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Frustrated mom2017 I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when your child not only refuses to follow directions, but also lies about it.  Although it’s normal to feel angry and upset upon discovering this, I encourage you to do your besthttps://www.empoweringparents.com/article/disrespectful-child-behavior-dont-take-it-personally/.  Chances are that her choices are not directed More at you, but are instead a reflection of poor problem-solving skills.  It sounds like your daughter is already receiving a natural consequence at school of a poor grades for the performance on her math test, as well as refusing to do the corrections.  It could be useful at this point to have a conversation with her about what happened, and what she will do differently moving forward in her math class as outlined in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-you-should-let-your-child-fail-the-benefits-of-natural-consequences/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

Poppy234 Frustrated mom2017 This is hard. So there is the maths grade and the lying. I would ask her why she didn't want to do the corrections. Is she struggling? Does she need extra help outside school? Can you sit with her while she does them? If she is being lazy, More then either try keeping the iPod only until she does the corrections. If she is overworked forget punishment but take her out somewhere after she does them, perhaps she thinks she works too hard, perhaps she is stressed and has too much on her plate. The lying I would be concerned about and would make sure I had time with her each night to chat. See what worries her. Rub her feet or whatever she likes to get close to her. Find out what annoys her about you and don't stand up for yourself. Try a conversation journal where you talk to each other, nothing negative in it from you, ask her questions in it. I think all kids lie from time to time and we need to minimise it by staying close.

My daughter is 9 (so pre-teen) but I still need help with a consequence. Around 5:15am this morning she took my Iphone off my nightstand and brought it in her room to look at her friend's parent's profile pages on my Facebook app. She broke multiple rules by doing this! According to this article what would a good consequence be? No tv or electronics (which she does care about) until she learns not to steal or invade my privacy? I need help. Something more specific. Thanks to all

-preteen mom

Poppy234 Preteen mom In addition to consequences I would put a password on the phone or fingerprint ID, it could be too big a temptation for her ongoing and it would be kinder to take it off the agenda.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Preteen mom Many parents struggle with effective consequences, regardless of the age of their child, so you are not alone.  I’m glad that you’re here, reaching out for support.  Part of addressing this with your daughter will be discussing what happened, and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/about what she could have done differently instead More of taking your phone without permission.  Instead of taking away TV or electronics until she learns to respect boundaries or refrain from stealing, it could be more effective in this situation to talk about how she can make it up to you, and “right the wrong” she committed by not respecting your boundaries.  You can suspend electronics until this amends is complete.  Janet Lehman offers more tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-caught-my-child-lying-how-to-manage-sneaky-behavior-in-kids/.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your daughter.  Take care.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Krist4711 We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story.  I’m sorry to hear about the struggles you and your family are facing with your niece. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions More we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. It may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing your particular issues.  The http://www.211.org is a referral service available 24 hours a day, nationwide. They can give you information on the types of support services available in your area such as counselors, support groups as well as various other resources. You can reach the Helpline by calling 1-800-273-6222. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

SLParker @Stephan  We all want what's best for our kids and as adults we have the life experience and wisdom to know what we could or should have done different. At 17 its time to start picking and choosing your battles with the understanding that your son has to fail from More time to time to learn the lesson for himself. His test scores can not be more important to you than they are him that is a recipe for disaster. If two hours is all he wants to contribute to his future well being then explain to him what comes along with that choice. Let him make the choice its time.

I’m so sorry to hear about the situation with your daughter, and I hope

that she returns home safely soon.We

hear from many parents who describe similar frustration that, despite punishing

a child over and over again, the child’s behavior does not improve, or might

even get worse. You are not alone in this situation.Something to keep in mind is that

consequences by themselves do not change behavior, because continuing to take

things away from your daughter is not teaching her what to do differently.You might find some alternate strategies in

our article series https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-1-how-to-coach-your-child-to-better-behavior/

and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/why-consequences-arent-enough-part-2-making-child-behavior-changes-that-last/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

It’s not uncommon for parents and teens to disagree on the appropriate

amount of studying and preparation required to do well, so you are not

alone.I also want to point out that

learning how to negotiate and advocate for himself appropriately are valuable

life skills for your son to possess, and it’s normal at this stage in his

development to desire more autonomy and independence when making decisions like

this.As pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-rules-and-expectations-but-everyone-else-is-doing-it/, it might be more

effective at this point to help your son learn how to manage his time more

independently.Please be sure to write

back and let us know how things are going with you and your son.Take care.

Thank you for the article. Taking my daughters phone off her for a day when she misbehaves has not been working at all, it makes her even more angry, but I think your ideas make perfect sense and a day is too long. I am going to try this later as there are bound to be insults or pushing about of poor Mum later today! Plenty of scope for trial and error!!! 

It seems to me that as children get older they want to be listened to and loved but not to be given any advice on anything unless specifically asked! And some children don't half dish it out. Even quiet chewing with my mouth closed drives my daughter to distraction. I'm bored with the negativity.

cuddles84 tryed all that the way you said  still does not work.

ExasperatedSingleMum

You bring up an excellent question, what can a parent do

when a child refuses to comply with consequences? I think it can help to know

that it’s not uncommon for kids, especially teens, to push back when given a

consequence. They can refuse to hand over devices, go out with friends even

when they’ve been grounded, and  refuse to do extra chores. For that

reason, it’s important to make sure that the consequences you use are fail

proof consequences – consequences you can follow through with even when

your child refuses to comply. Kim Abraham and Marney Studaker-Cordner discuss

how to give fail proof consequences in their article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-odd-children-and-teens-how-to-make-consequences-work/. I hope

you find this article helpful. Be sure to check back if you have any further

questions. Take care.

I have been through something simular on and off for years. After serious soul seaching and time. I found I had to let go. It was painful, but instead of trying to control my kids,and ex I focused on what is in my control and my response. I used techniques from the "secret". I used my time differently when I am with my kids and they always know what they mean to me. We have a much better relationship and I get all the hard and personal issues they are afriad to share with anyone else.

I would support what your 13 year old wants, but let them know bashing is not ok and you refuse to lower yourself to thst level. than have a great time with your young one, but invite your older child when possible. Even if your oldest never joins you she will know the door is not closed and she has the choice.

Kids know what is going on and they see all the crap, and odds are they will come around especially if. They know they are loved and forgiven. Maturity has had a huge impact.

You establish your boundries and stick to them. She is 18.... welcome to being an adult. She will grow up and learn she has a strong mum that wont take her disrespect.

Poppy234 still learningmom I think you give really good advice. It seems to me that a lot of parenting of a particularly control adverse child consists of letting go of control. Sometimes boundaries come down to what is legal and safe. Smoking pot and stealing would not be allowed therefore, but More perhaps getting her to abstain from smoking in your house until the birthday party would have been an option. Or getting her to replace missing items before the party? Goodness it's a hard line to walk, we need enormous patience. I would go the line of apologising but when a quiet moment arrives ask her to talk about it, asking her many questions about the situation and refraining from adding much opinion at all.

Dee The same thing happened to me , me ex was also a total narcissist in the clinical sense. I took him to court, representing myself & made a clear plea to the judge to let him know what was going on. He gave me everything I asked for. Good luck

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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When Your Homeschooler Refuses to Do Any Work: Exactly What To Do!

Do you have a homeschooler who  refuses  to do their work?

Are your school days laced with frustration, pleading, anger, and tantrums – from both parent and child?

Is your kid slipping further and further beneath their potential because of their stubbornness?

Are you at your wit’s end?

Let me tell you, you are not alone!

I have had my own struggles with my 3 girls, and I have received emails from some pretty broken, frustrated homeschool moms too. 

I have written a couple of posts on how to motivate a homeschooler and whether bribing is every appropriate in homeschooling ….but I don’t think I’ve ever addressed the issue of what to do with a supremely stubborn child.

The homeschooler who won’t do school work no matter what “reward” is waiting for them. 

If you are in a daily battle of the wills with your homeschooler, you are in the right place. 

Get some coffee, and I’m going to show you how you can and will regain control of your homeschool and raise a child who loves learning! 

How to Deal With A Homeschool Kid Who Refuses To Do Any Work

1. Really Stop and Think. Dig Deep.

I don’t believe there is a “ one size fits all ” reason for why a kid continually and stubbornly refuses their homeschool work.

For that reason, you really need to sit down and think about what is truly causing the friction you are experiencing every day.

If you identify and correct these issues, it could make a world of difference in your homeschool!

To get your mind rolling, think through each of the below points and see if they apply to your homeschooler:

– Are you an angry homeschool mom?

No judgment over here. I have been there!

How would you feel if a teacher in a classroom treated your child the way that you do?

If you felt a pang of conviction there, please read my post on How to Stop Being an Angry Homeschool Mom . 

It gives practical tips that I have learned over the year to stop being impatient and angry with the 3 kids I love the most in the world. 

– Is the curriculum you’re using appropriate?

I am not one to say that you should run out and buy new curriculum every time your kid gets grumpy about school. But if your child is continually fighting you day after day, it may be worth it to try a different curriculum. 

I had one kid that went from slugging through math every day with a sour face to exclaiming, “Thank you, mommy! Thank you, mommy, for being this curriculum! I’m good at math!” 

All I did was switch out the curriculum and it made a shocking change in my child and our homeschool.

If you think this is the boat you’re in, read When to Switch Up the Curriculum .

– Is your child frustrated with new material?

Many kids fly through the early years of school and everything just clicks for them. People always remark about how smart they are.

Your kid may come to feel that they are just naturally gifted with all things school.

Inevitably though, these kids will hit material that is a challenge for them – it doesn’t come easily.

This may anger, frustrate, and scare your child. Instead of facing the challenge head-on, your homeschooler refuses to do it at all, so they won’t be seen as a failure. 

“Everyone says I’m smart. I don’t get this stuff though! Am I not smart anymore??”

I have had more than one kid like this. 

Here is how I handle it:

Pull the kid up into your lap, look them in the eye, and say with soft eyes, “We have a long stretch of years ahead of us where I will be teaching you. There will be lots of new material like this. You don’t know everything. If you did, you would be living in your own house, with your own job, and your own money. Did you know that school was hard for me too? I had to work really hard to learn {fill in the blank}. It was tough for me! I know this material is a challenge for you and you don’t like that, but let me tell you the truth about really smart people – they work hard . Smart people dig in and keep going even when it’s tough. Smart people don’t quit. You are a hard worker too, so I know you can do this if you set your mind to it.”

From this point on, praise your child for how hard they work, not for how smart they are.  

– Is your child under social stress? Dealing with depression?

Some homeschoolers may be refusing their schoolwork because they are rejecting the concept of homeschooling. 

They feel isolated. Yes, socialization does matter ! 

Is your kid able to get out and see their friends on a regular basis? Does your child have solid friends?

What can you do to meet those very real needs?

Check out my post – The Secret Strategy for Helping your Homeschooler Make Friends – to help your kid out.

More and more kids are also dealing with depression for many different reasons that have nothing to do with school.

If you think this could be an issue, there would be no harm in a doctor’s visit or seeing a counselor to help your child address the issue. 

– Are you pushing too hard?

This was 100% me in my first year of homeschooling. My type-A personality wanted my homeschool to be a huge success, so I pushed that onto my little 1st grader. 

I would tell her that she didn’t really need those manipulatives to do her math problem – couldn’t she just remember the answer?

The truth was, I was asking her to do things that were beyond her grade and development level – no wonder she wasn’t loving school!

I had to check myself, do some research, and make sure that my expectations matched what was appropriate for her. 

Are your expectations too high?

Are your school days way too long?

Do you push your kid because you want to validate yourself and your decision to homeschool?

– Are you having fun?

School, especially homeschool, should be fun. If you’re not having fun, why is that?

What can you change about your homeschool to make it more engaging and interesting for your kid?

Sometimes it is as simple as changing what you write on – check out that homeschool hack here .

Maybe you need a new read-aloud book. 

Make more time for art projects, science experiments, music, and P.E.

Find exciting Youtube videos that match up with your lesson. 

Be flexible, and incorporate the things your child is interested in into your lessons.

I once threw out a month of science lessons so we could dive into a study of Megalodon, which was something my kid was obsessed with at the time.

She was so excited for school to start every morning!

Take some time and go through these questions and really take an inventory of what is going on in your homeschool. If you still think your kid is just plain stubborn, then read on.

2. Lift Your Kid’s Eyes to the Future

Sometimes kids need a little extra motivation than your typical sticker chart rewards system.  Sit down with them and talk about their future (not in a scary way, but in an excited, adventure sort of way). 

What do they want to be? What are they passionate about? What do they want to do with their lives? Where do they want to go to college?

My oldest daughter (7 or 8 years old at the time) flat out refused to do math at one point. I took the time to gently show her that just about any job (and many basic life skills) requires an understanding of math. This is true of all core curriculum too!

We went online and looked up some good colleges that had programs she was interested in. We watched videos for prospective students and even looked at some of the college housing pages.

It all looked really cool and my daughter was very interested!

I told her that there is an end goal to school. There is a reason for what we do day in and day out – and that is to open every possible door for her. I want her to have her pick of colleges when the time comes. I want her to be prepared and to excel .

I want her to soar when she leaves my house and be anything she wants to be. 

But for that to happen, she has to apply herself in school. Kids that don’t do well in school, don’t have as many options and opportunities as kids who did apply themselves.

No matter the age your kid is, it doesn’t hurt to lovingly lift their child’s eyes to look at the long-term goal.

Make sure they know that all your efforts come from a desire to see them succeed in life!

3.  Introduce a Bookend Reward System

After discussing the future and the importance of school with your resistant homeschooler, introduce a Bookend Reward System.

That means that when they finish school in a reasonable amount of time, with a good attitude  – there will be a reward.

Now this reward must be something that you don’t mind giving out and they really want . It could be increased screentime, a sticker chart that helps them earn something bigger, a later bedtime, special treat, etc.

If your child fails to meet that standard (due to a bad attitude, not because they were actually struggling with the material) there will be a consequence.

The consequence should be something they really don’t want and you don’t mind doing. It could be a loss of screen time, taking away a favorite toy, putting their tablet in timeout for 24 hours, etc.

If you’re not sure what your consequence should be, think about the thing your kid would always rather do than schoolwork. Then take that thing away as the consequence. 

It’s important to communicate this “bookend” system with great love and concern . You are not angry – you love your homeschooler and you want to help motivate them to reach their true potential.

Every day they have a chance to either earn something positive…or experience an immediate negative consequence.

You are no longer in a daily power struggle over schoolwork.

They pick every day what they want to experience.

They are in the driver’s seat. 

4. Consistency is the Name of the Game

It is one thing to introduce the Bookend Reward system to your homeschooler who resues to do their work…and it is any entirely different thing to actually follow through with it. 

This system will absolutely fail  if you do not convince your child that you are serious. 

You must always follow through with what you said you would do.

Whenever you have to administer consequences, be firm, but kind .

Tell them you are so sorry they made this choice and you were really hoping they would choose differently.

Do not give second chances . That sounds harsh, but they need to learn what the standard is – and that is school completed on time with a good attitude.

There is no room for tantrums, ugly words, or refusing to be work. You will no longer beg them to do their work.  

When they choose the positive path – go nuts! Celebrate them to the point that they roll their eyes and say you’re embarrassing them!

Delight in the reward they receive and make a big deal about it at the dinner table. 

*****If you think your kid really struggles with connecting their actions to how the day plays out, I highly recommend getting the book “ What Should Danny Do? ” and “ What Should Darla Do? ”

These are fantastic “choose your own adventure” books that allow your kid to actually choose what decisions Danny and Darla make throughout the day. They get to see how the day changes based on the decisions they make!

My own kids have benefited so much from these books and now respect their own “Power to Choose.”

But What if This Doesn’t Work and My Homeschool Still Won’t Do Their Work?

If you find that your kid still doesn’t care about the reward you’re offering and the consequence for not meeting the standard…I would tell you revisit the questions in the first point of this post and rethink what the reward and consequence are.

Whatever you have picked is not getting the job done.

Do not be afraid to sit down and ask your child what would motivate them. You might be surprised what they will tell you their consequence should be! 

Find the right pressure points and stay consistent with a loving and firm hand. 

How to Prevent Raising a Homeschooler Who Won’t Do Schoolwork

Did you read this article out of fear, not because you are actually experiencing a homeschool kid who refuses schoolwork?

Do you want to be prepared for what the future might hold?

If this is you, then I want to give you some points to avoid getting in the situations this article talks about. 

Your homeschooler may love school right now. They may relish every read-aloud book, worksheet, and project…but that attitude will likely not last. 

Mountains and valleys are extremely normal in education.

You just need to be ready.

I would strongly recommend following these steps to prevent raising a homeschooler who won’t do school work:

1. Make “fun” a central value of your homeschool. Don’t skip the cool things because you think you don’t have time. Your kids should be excited to find out what they’ll be learning tomorrow!

2. use a reward system for schoolwork even if you don’t “need” one right now. it will help on days that your kid is a little sluggish – don’t we all have those days, 3. when and if your kid gives you an inappropriate attitude about school work, nip it in the bud quickly. make it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated. do not yell or get angry, just state that your job is to teach – not to beg them to do school. i have even sent my kids to their rooms and told them they have lost the privilege of doing school – which also means they lost their reward for the day., recap when your homeschooler refuses to do homeschool work.

You can absolutely change the path your homeschool is on – I have no doubt. 

Remember to address those initial questions about your homeschool with brutal honesty, talk to your kid about what their future holds, introduce the Bookend Rewards System , and follow through with it! 

You can do this!

And your children will be so blessed by your efforts, Homeschool Mama.

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Unmotivated High Schoolers

Parent q&a.

Select any title to view the full question and replies.

Teen screen, school work & high school

How does a parent work a strong-willed child (not academically strong) who goes off task when they're supposed to be doing schoolwork using the laptop? He can't be forced to do things.  Power struggles are unhelpful.  Intrinsic motivation and persistence skills aren't currently strong. I'd like him to not fall between the cracks at Berkeley High (he'll start 9th grade soon). His dad doesn't truly care if he doesn't graduate high school.  Welcome any ideas and advice. 

I'm surprised you got no replies! I would assume many parents have struggled with these things. So you asked 3 questions 

Q:How do I get my son to stay focused on schoolwork while on the laptop? 

A: Have him do his homework somewhere other than the bedroom. Kitchen table maybe? Check in with him while he's working. Have him set a timer. Break large assignments down and work in smaller increments of time.30 minutes of uninterrupted work, then take a 10-minute break. Snack, walk around the block, talk to a friend then work for another set period of time. My kid has ADHD and this is what he does to get through difficult assignments. 

Q: How do you motivate a kid who is resistant? 

A: What does he care about? What makes him tick? Is there an external motivation that might encourage him to work harder? Set a few simple academic goals together and let your kid work toward earning a reward. Use positive motivation vs punishment. Praise the small improvements. Deep down, our kids really do want to make us proud, even if their stubborn 13-year-old self won't admit it!  Ex. If 70% of his assignments are turned in by Friday, he earns whatever reward you decided on. Stay positive, let him know you don't expect all A's but you do expect effort and work turned in. Not everyone is an academic genius, but everyone can pass a class by showing up and putting in the work.

Encourage your son to get involved in an activity outside of school. My kid isn't academically inclined either but he's passionate about sports and that's where he gets his confidence boost. He's motivated to keep his grades up because he needs a 3.0 to play sports. Another thought, is it possible your son has a learning difference that hasn't been addressed? He may be struggling with attention or executive functioning deficits. Sometimes kids quit trying when they're struggling to keep up with the workload.  Set up a meeting with your son's teachers for guidance & support.  

Q: How do I keep him on track at BHS?

A: Honestly, I would be very hesitant to send a kid who's already disengaged and academically unmotivated to BHS. Sorry to say but these are the kids that can easily "fall through the cracks".   I know there are several charter high schools in Oakland and Richmond that may offer a smaller, more structured environment. Of course, there are also plenty of private schools to look into if you can afford that. 

You mention your son's father doesn't care whether he graduates but how does your son feel? Talk to your kid about what career he might want in the future and show him the very limited options he would have without at minimum a high school diploma or GED. Talk to him about your own values regarding education and your dreams for his bright future. Wising you the best. Whoever said the terrible twos was the toughest time to be a parent clearly never had a teen:/

Echoing 2boys2dogs on Berkeley High -- the school is great for motivated kids. But for a kid who doesn't have that intrinsic motivation, they're not going to fall through the cracks so much as fall hard for cannabis and potentially more (lean is a codeine + sprite conction that seems to be widely available; LSD and Psilocyben are pretty available; percocet and adderall are easy to get; alcohol is also very much present on campus). I would look for a way to get them to a school that is a bit smaller and has more supervision, for any kid who isn't already driven. If they're driven by sports or arts or academics, BHS seems pretty amazing. But if they're not, and they're not strong academically? They're going to bottom out fast.

But also, I would try to find somethings he really likes. Prioritize that?

I agree, re working in the kitchen, too. It is very reasonable to say "Sorry, but working in your room is a privilege." or "I want to support you in staying on task." Have him work in small blocks and get a lot of intermittent rewards. They don't have to be huge, they can just be small treats. But something to work towards helps a ton.

Bright HS junior with low motivation for school-what to do?

My son is a junior at Berkeley High taking a full load of IB and AP classes.  In the past, he has been able to get A's and B's doing very little work--relying on his strong memory and good testing skills.  His grades are dropping this year, (mostly Cs, Ds, and Fs)  not because he struggles with the content, but because he doesn't want to work at his school work. He agrees that he isn't working hard enough but he isn't motivated to do more.  He is participating in the college search process, taking SAT, visiting colleges, but isn't particularly engaged. 

He has always been very good at living in the moment, focused on the present. In many ways this is an asset for an overall healthy life, but it isn't working at this phase where he needs to engaged in some longer-term planning.  The two passions he has are role playing games and video games.  These seem to be the only activities that he LIKES to do.   

In the past our approach was largely hands off--giving our kids opportunities to learn for themselves how to manage their time and schoolwork.  Recently, I've switched to a much more hands-on approach (he might say micro-managing) that leaves neither of us happy.  Punishments seem to work only for very short periods and create more tension.  I've thought about bribes, but he isn't a kid who has a lot of unmet needs or desires.  There is nothing he seems to want to earn. He's pleasant and cooperative at home, has a couple of good friends and causes very little trouble at home or at school. 

We've thought about tutors, mental health professionals, college counselors etc...what I'd like to find is a neutral adult who would talk with him about his choices, his motivation and help him think/see clearly what he wants.  We are open to supporting him with various options, working, gap year, college when he is ready, but we don't want to keep struggling with him about school performance.  Any recommendations for a counselor or other professional that could help my bright, sweet, smart, but not very motivated kid find some motivation?

Thanks! 

We have a similar teenager. We decided to have him test out of high school and get a job, because he was wasting everyone's time, especially his teachers, by not doing his schoolwork. He took the CHSPE in March of his junior year, and left high school at the end of that year. He worked at two part-time jobs for what would have been his senior year, he's now on a gap-year program overseas. He learned so much from working, lessons they don't teach in school - responsibility for showing up every day, the rewards of doing a good job, and the motivation of getting a paycheck. High school isn't for everyone. Think outside the box. Good luck.

I am wondering how well he does on the SAT since some kids do well even if their grades aren't very good.  Still, in order to get into a good college, he would also need an essay explaining his low grades and what has changed about his motivation.   Some boys, mine included, take longer to mature.  We encouraged our son to take a gap year which he did and I encouraged him to think about taking another year off if he wanted to, before starting college. [with a lot of pushing, micro-managing and tutoring he did well junior year in IB and got into a 2nd rank college and was able to defer it for a year].   I would suggest that your son take off some time and get a job.   When he realizes that he can only get dead-end jobs, he might be motivated to study in which case BCC might be a good place to start.  He can transfer to Cal after 2 years and get a Cal degree.   I am a professor as well and find that many students are just too young and immature to be at a university; it can be a waste of money if they're not motivated.  I know first-hand that it's easier said than done, but I'd encourage him to get a job and figure things out.   It's likely that many of his friends will go away to college and he'll be left in Berkeley which may not be as fun.   If he's not motivated, there's not much you can do but they do eventually mature and figure it out.  If he doesn't after awhile,  I'd just insist that he move out which means he'll have to earn enough to pay rent.  He's a smart kid and will get there.  It is very hard to watch this stuff and you have my full empathy.  good luck!

My son started community college classes at Foothill and DeAnza Colleges in 11th grade.  Those colleges are far from Berkeley, but they do have online classes.  He learned a lot and has very good experiences with his professors and counselors.  He is on the Dean's List and I think that helped him get into one of the UCs' Honors Program.  Summer is here soon and that may be a good time to start with just one class ... 

A child and adolescent psychologist, as I read your post, I was quite certain you were going to say the one interest your son shows is gaming. This is true of an much of an entire generation of boys, as video games are built by psychologists and other brain experts to do just what they are doing to your son. This is a major factor as to why only 43% of college admissions are boys and why leading economists are saying the reason young men aren't working is because of their gaming. I understand it's really hard to set limits on gaming once it has its teeth into a kid, however, I would do your best with your son to limit his habit. My article published today will help explain more:  https://medium.com/@richardnfreed/the-tech-industrys-psychological-war-…

Best to you,

Richard Freed, author of Wired Child: Reclaiming Childhood in a Digital Age  

I would try the book, He's Not Lazy, by Adam Price. It describes my son to a T, and it sounds like it would be helpful for you, too. The book provides suggestions for how to parent kids like ours without nagging or micromanaging. It has definitely brought some balance to our household.

I have a senior in IB and we all regret that a lot.  She is getting As, but is unhappy with the overwhelming amount of work she's done over the past three years. She is planning to take a gap year.  So you are not alone!

His strong memory, good testing skills, and intelligence could have been masking a learning difference or other deficits until recently. It could be that they're no longer enough to get by on because of new expectations at his current grade level. Please consider having him assessed by a learning specialist or, preferably, a neuropsychologist. There have been recommendations on this site in the past as well as suggestions about how to get a reduced-cost assessment. Although it may seem that it's behavior or emotions, that he's "not motivated," it's also possible that it's become too difficult for him to continue compensating. Perhaps the workload has increased or maybe the work requires more maturity, judgement, or organization and he is now lagging further behind his peers. If a learning difference or some other condition is making school harder for him, don't expect him to recognize it because it's all he's ever known. I've known several students who were able to get by for years on their strengths until their weaknesses got in the way; for my son, the collapse happened in 4th grade, and for others not until college. It depends on the nature of the difficulty and their strengths.

Almost 15 (young sophomore) all about speed and not effort - media distraction

Older parent having battles with Teenage Boy over effort, media and honesty with parents!

Our son is almost 15 - a young sophomore, with little internal motivation regarding school and no enthusiasm for anything outside of media (movie, gaming, social media). He has demonstrated, with our oversight and guidance on studying, that he is  capable of getting very good grades (high Bs and low As). When given an opportunity to be fully in charge of his own learning, his grades yo-yoed (some math tests went as far down as F) and he struggled to get a C in 9th grade English no thanks to a totally unmotivational 26+ year long career teacher.  We had to step in as "tutors" to structure his study time and provide mini-lessons. It was a LOT of work. He has no vision for a possible career path to explore, no goal for what direction he will go in his next 2 years of high school.  He is a Boy Scout on the Eagle track. Enjoys scouting but not the work that can be associated with achieving Eagle. Like with homework, it requires something between encouraging and pushing on our part.   We are fairly strict about media (generally no video gaming on school nights) and we require (although he most often bucks the rule which is where our battles largely derive) that all mobile devices be placed out of his reach and out of the room where he is doing school work. He sneaks it where it should not be more often than not. He also isn't honest about what school work he does have to do. I get it that he wants to be independent, but he has not shown he is able to make smart choices with that so we expect a daily update on school work. If we can't see it on line he withholds the information. He can't seem to comprehend that this is only hurting himself more and his privileges than helping get what he wants. I don't even want to ask about whether we should get him a smart phone (parental controls on carrier's tie are useless if he has access to wifi) which will allow him to fit in with his peer group. He is generally honest with us about other things we ask him about (where he is going when with friends, etc.) We do not believe that ADD is an issue here as he managed to earn a first degree black belt at a rigorous studio between 3rd and 6th grades. Any ideas who we can work with to help light his fire AND get him to full heartedly treat his academics as his job on the path to get him to where he may really want to be some day. He doesnt have much respect for the knowledgeable organizational coach we have used (I guess because she is an advocate of banning all media on school nights). Colleges look for not just grades, but depth, breadth of life experiences as well as ability to take on rigor. I worry about the rigor part. Many students in our district take AP classes very young and I wonder if he will be ready any time in high school even for just one AP class. We hope that the lifeguard training he has taken will lead to a pool job next summer - a chance to gain confidence and independence. We are open to Jr. college as an option (if it is a best fit since he will only be 17) but are hoping for him to attend a small 4 year college as we'd like to retire then (we are open to temp moving to affordable college community to help make this  happen)

As a parent of a 15 year old who is very similar to your son, I wanted to share with you my perspective. I had to learn to accept my son was not a clone of me, and as a result, has different hopes and dreams for himself than I do. While getting good grades and looking good on a college application was important to me at his age, my son does the bare minimum and races to get things done with little interest in doing high quality work. Here's what has been working for us.

1. Pick your battles. When I was pregnant with my son, I imagined him growing up and getting good grades and doing well in school. But, that's not important to him at all. So, now instead of his letter grades, I focus on the learning. He does well on tests, but gets low grades due to his lack of effort on projects and homework. Rather than battle with him every night/school year about his homework, I emphasize that he needs to learn. If he can show me he is learning, then I let go that it disappoints me that he opts out of extra credit or gets C's in classes he should be getting A's in.

2. Identify your worries. I've said, "I'm worried that you don't care about school now and that it will limit your choices/opportunities as you get older." We talk about life beyond school and what challenges might come up as a result of his academic indifference. He knows that he may not take the traditional path. But, that isn't important to him. That worries me as his parent, but it's my worry. He's a bright, resourceful person. He'll be fine. He definitely won't go to Harvard, and he may struggle at times to find his path, but I've learned to be ok with that. I trust that he will find his place in this world.

3. Give him opportunities outside of school. If school doesn't excite him, then what else will? I used to sign my son up for all kinds of activities, hoping he would get excited about one of them. All that came out of it was him not wanting to do it, and life was much harder for the instructor trying to manage a kid that had no interest in participating. Once he started high school I changed my approach. I said, "You must participate in two activities - one physical to keep your healthy and active, and one extracurricular at school. I don't care what they are, but you must pick something." Once I stopped trying to excite him and put it on him to find things to do, he was easily able to find things that he enjoyed. 

4. Appreciate his strengths. Rather than focus on what he's not doing well, celebrate what he is good at. My son is an amazingly empathetic person. He's a great friend and strong communicator. He's a wonderful traveler and enjoys seeing the world. He doesn't get A's in school, but if they gave grades for his other skills, he'd be getting high honors. School is just one part of his childhood and just one way to measure success. It's such a bummer to always focus on the negatives. Once I stopped always prioritizing what he wasn't good, it was amazing how much happier we all were.

5 Set clear and realistic expectations. My kid is never going to stay up all night doing a school project. That's just his personality. But, there are certain things he must do - He must do chores, go to school and be a good person. 

6. Natural consequences and earn extras. If he doesn't go above and beyond, neither do I!

If my child was not making a strong effort at schoolwork, was defying device-related rules, and the behavior was resulting in grades as poor as what you describe, he would not have ANY time with video games and only school-related time with devices (e.g., writing a paper on a Chromebook) until he corrected those problems.  His social life, and "fitting in," should be prioritized  below adequate academic effort and progress.   Once he has developed a better work ethic and is getting decent grades, or at least grades you are convinced reflect his best work, then you can  think about things like whether he has the right devices to "fit in."  He is not ready to manage his time or organize his work independently yet and expecting it of him will just lead to failure.  You'll need to help him until he's ready, and part of that help means creating strong incentives and removing distractions.  I would hold out the possibility of earning back some weekend video game time, etc., with sustained effort at schoolwork.  He really does not yet have the executive function to handle it alone; he still needs your guidance and active support.  That said, he can be expected to comply with the structure and rules you set and do his best to pay attention and try to improve, and the right incentives should help.  Be clear and unemotional about expectations and consequences and stick to your guns.  

BTDT - been there, done that.  I have three boys and two of them are like that. Very smart, but couldn't or didn't do the work. It is heartbreaking!  Yes, you do need to limit screen time. But honestly, I would say, in retrospect, they really couldn't do what we hoped for them because of the ADD. I didn't realize this until the second one came along. If your son is not already on meds, please attend to that first. Second, if you can, change him to a school that understands ADD kids. It is so defeating for you and your kid to be constantly dealing with a school that is unable to understand the unique needs of a kid with ADD. If you must stay in public school, get him a 504 plan and email/visit constantly to make sure they are accommodating him. Exhausting but worth it. Third, figure out what he's good at and support him in that even if it means other areas suffer. This may mean he's really good at some stupid video game that you can't stand, but it provides him with a little status among his peers. Important for an ADD kid. Also, ADD kids have a lot of focus for exciting fantasy whereas boring topic like algebra and American history (admit it, they are probably boring to you, too) require an extraordinary amount of attention that is difficult for a kid with ADD. Finally, things that have worked for us:  Adderall, movies and TV and performances, Bayhill High School, Kevin Arnold the tutor, 3rd, 4th, and 5th chances, Adderall, a sense of humor, Adderall. Try not to worry too much. It all does work out.

Feeling your pain.

The way you describe your son---that sounds like depression to me. The fact that he was a high achiever until middle school then suddenly no enthusiasm for anything (except media) and loss of hope or plan for the future sets my alarm bells ringing 

As the guardian of a 17-year-old who has suffered from similar problems, I agree with the parent who stated that you need to take action now .  You write that you are "fairly strict about media (generally no video gaming on school nights)".  I'm afraid that that is not nearly strict enough!  Your son should not be allowed  any  media on school nights, but on the other hand he should be given the "carrot" of earning the right to a (very specific) number of hours of gaming on weekends.

The same parent mentioned that your son's executive function skills are still in development.  She or he is quite right, and so  you need to step in  to model good executive function.

You also remark that your son "isn't honest about what school work he does have to do."  You should make appointments to see  all  his teachers (with him present) and learn what their assignments will be in the near future.  Then explain that you will "supervise" his homework until he has earned the right to do it on his own.  That means, when he gets home from school, you ask him what his assignments are, and when he is done with them, you actually look to see that they are finished (and put in their binder, so that he will be sure to turn them in.)

You might also ascertain each teacher's willingness to be in touch with you fairly regularly in the weeks ahead.  

This will involve a lot of work on your part, but the time is really now, while he is still relatively young.  Since he will resent the "helicoptering," he should soon realize that his best strategy would be to pull his grades up to the point that he has earned the right for you to back off a bit.

Finally, give your son a lot of praise for any, even baby steps on his part.  One therapist we saw stated that children need to hear four words of praise to every criticism.  That is obviously impossible, but I keep it in mind to remind myself to praise our kid fulsomely for her every accomplishment... no matter how small. Tough love works.

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Unmotivated, unfocused bright 16 yr old boy who hates cookie-cutter school

My son says he hates school. He doesn't like being around all the other students and hates the routine. He has been complaining about this for at least a year now. He is a junior. The first quarter he got straight A's and now I wouldn't be surprised if he ends the semester with a couple D's (or worse) because he just has so little interest in doing any homework. I have gone from prodding him to do his homework, yelling at him, grounding him, taking his phone away.... I just can't do it anymore.

I told him I would support him if he wants to look at alternatives to schooling. I told him about the CHSPE and surprisingly he expressed very little interest. He seems to think that's the easy way out or something, like he needs to still do some schooling. He talk to his counselor who told him about an independent study program where he can take all or some of his classes at home. He and I both are wondering if this would even work for him considering he's so unmotivated and seems to have such a problem doing the work. He thinks instruction would be better for him.

I just don't know how help him. He's been to the Doctor and he's also in therapy. There may be some depression issues which we are trying to determine, but frankly I'm wondering if this is an ADD issue. I'm waiting for a callback from his doctor on the subject. In the meantime I have a kid who is so stressed out about school. He is unhappy a lot - he says mostly about school. And yet even though he so stressed out, I see him doing very little to remedy the situation. He just keeps slipping lower into the grade-hole he dug for himself and his spirit and happiness drops right along with it.

He feels that he can't move on to college because of how his grades may end up, even if they're passing. He seems to think straight A's are required to get into a four-year college, and he doesn't understand that 's just not the case. Maybe if he were trying to get into an elite school or trying to get in on a scholarship... I'm not even sure why he so worried about college, because at the rate he's going, he's barely going to get through high school. If he can't study now, how will he for college?

It's hard for me to just step back and let the cards fall where they may, but I think that's what I have to do at this point. Even if he chooses to not go to school at all, I just don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. Anyone else in this position, or have been in this position, and if so, what did you do/not do, and how did things turn out? Bee

Hi, have you considered alternative schools? In particular, Mentoring academy is great for bright intense kids. Very warm environment, engaged teachers and students. My son desperately wanted to go there (we didn't send him there because we thought he should try a more standard school--however, Mentoring works at teaching students to thrive in standard schools as well, so maybe we were wrong about that!). We love the school. Maybe go to an open house, if they are still having any, and see if your son likes it? I had to drag my son to the open house and then I couldn't get him to leave....it's a wonderful place. My impression is that people either find it a good match or not rather quickly. He could likely start right away too as they have the kids working at their own speeds (which is why some of the kids are working well into college level). I hope it works out for you!! another parent of a different sort of kid

If you can afford it, the solution is Tilden Preparatory Academy! There is a campus in Albany and one in Walnut Creek. It is a one-on-one teacher to student format. It practices mastery learning which means they will go at your child's pace and keep teaching until your child has learned the material! The teachers will also adapt the material to your child's interests so the kids develop a love of learning. The classes are all UC approved, including an abundance of AP offerings. My son is exceptionally gifted and was very unhappy in the ''cookie-cutter'' public school. He was miserable so we enrolled him in Tilden and he is a totally different person. He is happy as a clam, loves his school, loves learning, and is eager to prepare for college. Because of self-pacing, he will graduate early. As for the social aspects, they have lunch clubs everyday, activities, movie night, and he has a lot of friends he enjoys hanging out with in the student lounge where he hangs out all day doing his homework. You can also do concurrent enrollment, taking some college courses and receiving both high school and college credit. Big fan of one-on-one learning

Bee, After two years at a very stressful public high school where our son was putting in decent effort but not succeeding, we moved him to the Mentoring Academy in Rockridge. He loves it - It’s ''200% better'' according to him. It is a game changer and is inspiring him in many areas of learning. They have a longer school day and mostly zero homework as a tradeoff for the longer day. The no homework policy was something my family needed in our life as the homework battle was damaging our relationships. He has only been there a few months, and it may not be as academic as where he was, but we feel thankful to have found him a school that is the right fit for him. Kim

I had several thoughts about your post. First, I wondered if there was something going on with your son that really might not have anything to do with the ''cookie-cutter'' school. I saw a red flag because it sounds like this attitude is new, so what has changed?  An embarrassing incident? Drug or alcohol use?  The other thought I had was that if the issue IS truly about the ''cookie-cutter'' school, there are some alternative private high schools that might be a better fit due to small class size and innovation. I hesitate to recommend any in particular, as you don't really describe your son in a way that conjures up a specific program. It's all about the match. If you can afford the private school route, it might be worth checking out. Best of luck to you! Mom of a struggling learner

It is hard to find he right path for kids. As a parent I've seen it close-up.  My 16 yr old hated school, so we tried to let her pick her own path, with our help. You may be on the right track with the CHSPE since high school is not for everyone.  Consider community college. Both my kids took this path, have thrived, and transferred to top UCs.  Anyone interested in this path, feel free to contact me for further information at pickyourownpaths [at] gmail.com (pickyourownpaths[at]gmail[dot]com) Pick Your Own Path

I would encourage you to contact Tilden Preparatory High School on Solano in Berkeley/Albany.  Talk to them about focusing on the CA high school requirements for graduation.  My son had the most amazing teacher that to this day he and I are so grateful for. Grateful

You don't mention what your financial situation is, but he might be a good candidate for Tilden Prep. It's essentially a tutoring school -- either one on one with the teacher or a tiny class. Our brilliant  ADHD son was starting to check out in large classes with lots of rote learning. Doing his senior year at Tilden got him straight A's and he never complained about going because of 1) the individual attention from good teachers, 2) the lack of social pressure -- there is really very little school community, except at lunch. (Our son is an introvert.)

On the subject of ''college despair'' -- boy, did he have it! That sense that you were going to be a homeless person in the gutter if you didn't get straight A's! Perhaps a college counselor needs to look him in the eye and tell it ain't so.

We took all the pressure off our son by telling him he was going to have a gap year -- although with an internship. That gave us an entire year to really visit, scrutinize and think about colleges, rather than make a hasty decision while he was still in high school.

Finally, tell your son that only the high pressure Ivys require all that perfect grade and test score crap. He can get in a lot of great places. And because our kid had demonstrated a passion for science and had straight A's in that subject -- despite his other grades being erratic -- he was actually offered a partial scholarship at a terrific college. With -- are you ready? -- ZERO extracurricular activities.

There are colleges for non cookie cutter kids. Even colleges who want those kids.

Finally, it might be worth finding out if your son really does have ADHD. I'm a fan of meds, at least for high pressure academic situations -- SATs, tests, papers. He doesn't have to take them all the time.

And even more finally, what is he passionate about? He may find out that college suits him more than high school because he can start to hone his education towards the things he loves.

''It gets better.'' Been There

Disliking school is another question but in terms of getting into college, he would be ok.

In general, a student like you son with a B/C average is definitely eligible for a Cal State, and many of them provide a very good education. 

Here's the general info: http://www.csumentor.edu/planning/high_school/cal_residents.asp

For example: Cal State Northridge -- a total of 2900.    SAT (scores in mathematics and critical reading) + (800 x high school grade point average)     (10 x ACT composite score without the writing score) + (200 x high school grade point average)  

So if a student had a 2.5 GPA (which in most high schools is just a matter of turning in work), they would only need a score of 900 combined on the math and critical reading portion of the SAT.

It sounds like your son's perfectionism is getting in the way of his achievement, and also finding a balance. Given that he had such good grades first quarter, it sounds like counseling is in order. anon

Have hope! There are many, many options out there...some which look like school and

some which don't. Have you considered online schooling, or concurrent enrollment at community college, or maybe something like Kalo Academy or Tilden Prep? Or an adventure semester through Unschool Adventures or a semester abroad, or an internship in his area of passion/ interest? Or maybe just reading the Teenage Liberation Handbook? I'm sure there are more opportunities out there...especially if you both become open to alternate routes and the road less traveled by -unschoolly by nature

-There are many, many kids who feel the way your son does. Rebelling against a system which is not a good fit for him is healthy and can be an exciting step towards a better future. -That said, switching away from what most others are doing, i.e. school, can be a tumultuous time for both the young person and the parents involved. I commend you for seeking advice and support. -Self-directed learning skills can be learned and supported in their own right. Just because your son doesn't have them now, doesn't mean he can't develop them. At the same time, I agree with your concern that traditional independent study programs often depend on existing school requirements and therefore are not the best fit for everybody. -Many high school aged learners in the alternative education world take classes at local community colleges. Not only does this provide them with a more flexible way to receive instruction and meet other young people, it also provides college experience and looks very good on college applications.  -It's great that you are pursuing therapy to find out whether depression is a factor for your son, or not. Nothing that you say about your son in your letter sounds like ADD, but that is certainly another question you can pursue. -College (and more importantly, a renewal of the love for learning that all humans start out with) is more likely to happen with an educational plan that feels meaningful and engaging to your son, as well as healthy for you and your family. I'm so glad to see you asking the questions you are asking!

Warmly, Alanya S

I feel for you and your son; I speak from over a decade of very similar stories - my daughter is currently enrolled in her senior year at Holden, and two years ago my son graduated from Holden as well. This is not a cookie-cutter school; the outstanding staff continue to amaze me: they make an indisputable difference in the life of each student that attends. Equally as impressive is the peer group; the kids are able to connect in a profound way that enables them not only to become self-motivated, but vastly more important, the relationships enable each student to experience a feeling of belonging in this truly unique community. I wish that every child was given this same opportunity to learn, to succeed, and to mature; what a different world we would create! Kim W

16 year old does the bare minimum

My 16 year old son seems to refuse to put any real effort into anything he does. He has a 3.4 GPA, but without trying to do more than the bare minimum, and in fact seems to consciously avoid a 4.0 in order to not raise expectations. He is really fast, but we got a note from his track coach today that they are re-evaluating his membership on the team, as he doesn't really seem to care that much, and other kids are noticing. He is a good guitar player, but doesn't seem to want to do anything with it, dropped out of a band b/c it is not ''my kind of music.'' I am far from a ''tiger parent,'' although his mother can edge towards that, but I am getting frustrated. At this point if I could just understand his unwillingness to engage that would help. Any thoughts?

I feel for you. You really can't motivate someone else, and it's hard to sit there and watch someone cruise and do their minimum when you believe that life demands more.

Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he's acting out. Maybe he just doesn't care that much about these things. You can sit him down and say you've noticed this pattern, and you're concerned that it will affect his ability to have fun and succeed, now and in the future. But that ultimately...these things are his decision and his responsibility and you're not going to nag or discuss it with him again. And keep your word.

I was always worried that my daughter would be anxious and high-strung like me. Happily, she's a really mellow person. But so mellow that I began wishing she cared a bit more. She was definitely a ''not going to do the extra credit,'' ''the amount of work I've put into this assignment/activity is fine with me'' kind of person. But with her B-ish average in a small charter school, she got into UC Santa Cruz. There she basically behaved the same, and got through just fine. She graduated in four years despite losing a quarter to illness. She got out of college and got a solid job in a nonprofit where she's doing just what she wanted. She never does any of these things with the passion and intensity that would make me more comfortable, but man, she's a lot happier than I was and has a good head on her shoulders.

So...you may have to let this all go. Unless your son is being held back by depression or illness (you can check those things out), then maybe he just doesn't care that much about music or track. So be it. Bite your tongue. I know it's hard. I'll always worry about my daughter, who is fine

HS Junior Not Caring/Unmotivated

This school year has seen our high school junior turn into a sullen, more angry 16-year old. His grades have plummeted and 2 girls ''dumped'' him and his friendship overtures. One called him a ''nerd''. We have weekend tutoring for 2 hours to no avail with his grades. He does not do homework in courses(some are difficult for him), tells us that all is ok at school but grades are proving otherwise even in his favorite courses. 2 D's for semester grades for the first time in his life. We have taken away his phone & I-touch and his dad is threatening to kick him out if his grades don't improve. Bad threat. Nothing seems to get through to him. He can get angry easily. His friends and our family friendships seem positive and college has always been emphasized in our home. Any suggestions for a therapist that can motivate a floundering boy? He doesn't seem to have any goals or directions and dislikes school this year. And - his dad and I are disagreeing about everything these days. Suggestions? Anon

I feel for you. We have a son the same age and are finding a lot of help in a Kaiser parenting class . (We are both education professionals and had to admit we needed help!) If you are not a Kaiser member, you can still purchase the workbook at Kaiser (health education dept)--it has a wonderful step-by-step (Parenting Project) curriculum to deal with difficult teenage behavior. It's a behavioral system and the consequences are kept simple and short term (TEASPOT: take everything away for a short period of time); otherwise kids feel they are on death row and will give up more. Also, it's crucial to tell our kids (verbally or in writing) the words ''I love you'' every day and give physical affection every day, because they don't necessarily pick that up unless it's stated explicitly. It's also imperative that parents act as a team. If not, some kids feel unsafe, some will work it to their advantage, and some may act out in order to get their parents to work together. In any case, I recommend you and your husband see a therapist the two of you respect to help you work together. Good luck! mom of two teen boys

Daughter is struggling to stay motivated w/heavy academic load

Can you please recommend a female therapist to work with a high school junior who is struggling and needs help? She is taking a heavy academic load, and the homework seems to paralyze her. In good times she does well in school and is motivated. At other times she procrastinates, spends hours watching movies, etc. on her computer or just goes to sleep and doesn't do her homework AT ALL. At those times she is unable to motivate herself, feels out of control, and falls behind in her classes. Then she is glum and quiet/withdrawn. (Depressed?)

She says she doesn't need/want academic tutors for classes. She says she doesn't feel depressed but just needs help staying motivated, and she is open to therapy. She wants me (mom) to butt out, and I'm at a loss. What to do? Can you recommend a compassionate but effective therapist, preferably who accepts United Behavioral Health insurance, who can help? flummoxed mom

We have been very pleased with MFT Betty Tharpe. She is insightful, caring, AND able to do commonsense problem solving in ways that result in good communication with my son, me, even a recalcitrant algebra teacher at BHS. Her phone number is (510) 549-2092. My best wishes for you and your family. surviving the teen years...?

There are many people who can recommend a therapist. But I want to point out a few things before you go to this level.

Junior year in high school is the most stressful year. The student usually has advanced / AP / IB courses (often for the first time). SATs and SAT2 exams must be planned for and taken (often several times). College tours and discussions about ''what you want to do with your life'' dominate the dinner table and the water fountain. Social stratification becomes particularly acute (athletes, stoners, geeks, and so forth) and young people are ruthless in their narrow-minded categorizations of others.

So it's a really difficult time for someone who may be trying to move into the low-end of the ''smart AP kids'' group or the good-but-not-great athlete hanging around the top dogs or the loner artist in a ''gotta hang with the right people'' age.

If she's struggling, don't ask if she wants help. Just get her a tutor and let the tutor assess her abilities and structure a solution. It may not be so bad - she may just be missing some concepts. Or she may really be far behind and have to drop some of the load. This is a hard thing to admit - she'd see it as a failure - but sometimes things are just too much.

You need fair assessment of her workload, classes and capabilities at this time. Get it. And remind her that this is not a moral judgment on her intellect or virtue - it is merely getting a specialist for a short time, just as you would get a mechanic to fix the brakes on the car. No more, no less. Good Luck

I can highly recommend Rikki Sudikoff, an amazing, empathetic, smart, insightful, caring LCSW who specializes in work with teens. Rikki works at JFCS/East Bay, a nonprofit social services agency in downtown Berkeley. The agency accepts United Behavioral Health and also has a sliding scale. Rikki has an uncanny way of connecting with and helping teens. She can be reached at (510) 704-7480, ext. 761. Holly

I can personally and highly, recommend Dr. Fleury. Dr. Fleury is a highly qualified, well practiced, and sensitive therapist. She does excellent work with teens and relationships. She would be especially well suited for your daughter. She is located in Rockridge near the Bart station. Dr. Theresa Fleury, PhD (510) 404-8625 Office 5665 College Ave. Suite 340 B Oakland, California 94618 Anon

Karen Sprinkel at clearwater in Oakland karen_sprinkel [at] yahoo.com is the finest teen-whisperer there is. My son now in college could not have made it without her. Reenie

Unmotivated high school freshman - Help!

We have a 14-yr old son (9th grade) who is bright but unmotivated. In middle school he was an excellent student-- all A's or mostly A's, until 2nd semester of 8th grade when his grades tanked (3 C's on his final report card). He just seemed to lose steam and not care anymore. After much debate over the summer, my husband and I decided to put him in a small private high school, where the class size is much smaller and he is not so influenced by what is going on socially. It's still early, but we haven't seen much change in his attitude. He doesn't see any real relevance of school to his life and would rather be on his skateboard or computer. He does his homework, but just enough to get by, and never studies for tests (although he does remarkably well on standardized tests). He announced yesterday that he no longer wants to play soccer or baseball, both of which he's been doing for years. Over the past 6 months we've taken him to 3 different counselors to try to get a handle on why he's 'checked out', but none of the counselors were particularly helpful. At home he's uncommunicative and moody, but with his friends and other adults (teachers, coaches, etc.) he's pleasant and respectful. I just don't know what else to do at this point. Any advice is greatly appreciated. (BTW, we have a 12-yr-old son who is a great student, confident, outgoing, loves sports, so it's not US!!! ;-)) Thanks. frustrated & worried mom

Our son followed a similar pattern, but he arced downward at a slower pace than yours. We went to therapists that were helpful in some areas, but didn't solve the problem. He tanked Junior year and we finally got him tested by a neuropsychologist (Alan Siegel). He diagnosed ADHD, inattentive type and various learning disabilities. Our son's high IQ masked these difficulties, but he was suffering in school and developed very low self esteem. We started w/ an educational specialist(Ann Gordon) and continued therapy, but he still hasn't turned around. Unfortunately, all along he escaped into online internet video games and has become addicted. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to get your son tested for learning disabilities...my son did well on standardized tests too. Don't wait or postpone or think he will get better on his own and DON'T let him get involved with internet gaming. Earlier intervention might make all the difference...I so regret not doing this when it started in 8th grade. anon

You said you went to counselors with no luck, but has he been evaluated for hitherto undiscovered issues by a diagnostic professional? We took our son to Brad Berman in Walnut Creek, who was able to tell us that our son does NOT have bipolar disorder but is anxious. Please make sure your son is evaluated by an MD with experience in these matters; Brad Berman is highly recommended and there are others. A counselor can only do 'talk therapy', probably doesn't have the tools for real diagnosis, and with an uncommunicative teen will get nowhere. You need to eliminate the possibility of something like anxiety that could led to this. Best of luck!

My 13 yr old son has experienced a similar change just recently. He stopped all the sports he used to play (although is interested in a few new ones) and does not do half as well in school as he used to. I am anxious to hear what the others have to say in response to your post. Also I imagine you have to work to find the right counselor. anon

I don't mean to be alarmist, and I hope I'm not right, but the changes you're describing are classic symptoms of either depression, or serious substance abuse. I've know kids who started marijuana and cocaine in 7th grade who eventually turned themselves around, but their school careers didn't always survive. If this is what's going on, (1) your younger child is likely to know the truth, and (2) your older child's health may be at risk, which justifies parental intervention. I hear Kaiser has a good family counseling group for teens with substance issues. Good luck

Freshman year is a big change for kids. They start to look at things and decide what they really want to do. No longer playing soccer or baseball I think is normal. We tend to have our kids in sports at a young age and then at high school level they become much more stressful and competitive. They need lots of sleep as there bodies are growing. I'm sure you have met with his teachers at school and discussed his grades. My kids always started slow and worked there way up to A's. I am glad he is doing his homework. My son would do it but didn't turn it in. So your son is doing better then mine did. Relax and try to give him space to find out who he is. Don't you wish we could see the future. It would help us stressout moms so much. A mom that has been there

I recommend you consider Holden High School (925-254-0199) in Orinda. My 14 year old son was bored and not interested in his previous schools. He did just enough to barely get by. He was unmotivated--irritated by boredom. The staff at Holden has quickly managed to peak his interest and engage him in active learning. Holden teachers are everything educators should be. These talented people teach to the student, the individual WHOLE person, not just ''to the test''. They treat my son with dignity and respect and they truly care what he thinks and how he feels. He is now very happy and making good progress. Have patience with your son, he sounds like a very normal 14 year old boy to me. Check out Holden, they may be able to help your son. Ingrid - Happy Holden Parent

Epilogue: unmotivated 9th grader Hi, I wrote a few weeks ago asking for advice on how to help my unmotivated 9th grader (boy) who is irritable and not performing in school to his ability. Thanks to everyone who replied. We took him to a highly regarded psychiatrist who is an expert with adolescents. He gave me a detailed parent questionnaire and also a survey for each of the teachers to fill out. Long story short-- my son does not have ADHD, depression, or a learning disorder. He has an anxiety disorder. The MD suggested we start him on (low dose) Lexapro. Questions-- (1) Do any of you have experience with Lexapro in teens and its affect on anxiety (or other side effects)? (2) sidebar questions-- any advice on how to help my son be more organized? And, he doesn't seems to have any particular ambition or goal-- how can I help him identify his Talents & interests (which right now don't seem to go beyond skateboarding, music, and friends)? Thanks for any advice!! Concerned mom

Editor: in response, several parents posted their thoughts about How pushy should parents be?

Underachieving 10th grader not turning in homework

I have a son entering 10th grade who is very bright but underachieves consistently. He always talks about attending an ivy league college but cannot seem to translate that desire into daily obligations such as turning in homework on time. This causes his grades to suffer. He is also not very well organized. We have tried some counseling and tutors. The tutors always remark about how bright he is. How have you handled this as a parent? The only arguments we have are over homework. Otherwise, he is a very caring, loving son. Anonymous

check out the hyde school at www.hyde.edu. they have an extraordinary and life-changing summer program. my son went there, and it changed our family dynamic so much that my daughter decided to go and teach there for two years just to ''give back.'' leela

Hello, I just read the post on Underachieving Teen on my e-mail. My son who has now completed his Junior year had the same problems as your son. I also did not know how to go about it. Again my son is also a very intelligent person, has scored highly in all his standardized tests and has somehow squeaked through with a 3.0 so far. Your son seems to be the same way as mine. This summer I have tried to try the School foe Independent Learners in Oakland and have had him there for a week now. Already my son is planning on attending this school to complete his High School. Just a thought for you to try them out and see. Some kids just seem to not work well in the traditional environment. I wish I had discovered this alternative earlier and improved my son's chances of college choices. Check them out on the web. Good Luck. Dee

I don't believe that high school is the best way for every child to be educated. Today, unlike when I was in high school, a sixteen year old can take the high school exit exam, or pass the GED, and enroll in community college. It's not for everyone, but it is an option for youngsters who want to learn but just can't get excited with high school. At Berkeley High, maybe other high schools, too, a child can remain in high school and also take a course at the community college. They can use those units for high school graduation as well as for college requirements. Check with your guidance counselor for details. barbara

The only thing that ever helped was Classroom Matters. A tutor, then later just going there to do homework. Unfortunately he stopped going in his senior year and I believed him when he said he could do it on his own. My boy just graduated highschool. Barely. It required me chasing him down the street shouting get back here and do your homework. I would have been embarassed except that parents are often seen chasing their offspring in our neighborhood. anon

Unmotivated Junior says he's ready for college

Hello, My son a junior in HS is very smart but his grades have been slipping, will not submit assignments properly and just wants a way out of school. He says he is ready for college but I am not sure. The behavior he is exhibiting does not give me any confidence that he is mature enough to handle college. Should I let him take the CHSPE and try to get admission at a UC? His standardized test scores are very good with some more to be completed. Have kids who have taken the CHSPE been admitted to a UC? How have they done at College both academically and socially as they will be younger than their peers in age? Anyone, please your advice and suggestions are welcome and appreciated. A very worried Mom.

High school was not working for my daughter and she took the CHSPE jr. yr. She had an A- avg in HS, and after 2 semesters of community college had a similar college GPA. She had decent extracurriculars, a part-time job, and some community service (My impression is the existence of these activities is important, not the quantity of hours or years spent doing them.) Her SAT's were not great. We found nobody who took her exact path, CHSPE to private college, and had no idea how it would work out. She was accepted at 4 small liberal arts colleges as a soph transfer. I think UC's would be easier because the CHSPE is a state-defined part of the system, and if he took even just a year at a community college, those track right into the UC system... although the AA degree I think is the usual route to state and UC colleges.

Going straight from CHSPE to UC with no record of college- level success... not sure. I do know the GED carries more weight because it is harder, goes deeper into more subjects, and is a nation-wide thing. But you have to be 18 to take that, and being too young at time of transfering out of HS is a justifiable reason not to have taken it. If he's 18 it would be required over the CHSPE - UC's may ultimately require it anyway.

It can definitely work if the current behavior/declining grades are not due to inability and don't continue. My daughter was driven and ambitious... what is your son's underlying purpose or vision? Is there some situation at school or elsewhere causing the grade drop and lack of interest? Perhaps something can be rectified there with only one more year left of HS.

Guidance counselors should be able to help with this. Public school guidance counselors are more knowledgeable, open to, and less judgmental of, alternative routes to success than private school counselors. My daughter went to a private HS but we got excellent advice from the public HS counselor even though she didn't go there! Hope this helps... anon

2 of my children decided that high school just wasn't for them for different reasons. Both of them took the CHSPE, one at 15 and one at 17. They both went on to Community Colleges. Despite dismal high school grades, my son got motivated at a community college and went on to graduate from a 4 year school with honors. My daughter was a B student and just didn't get the point of studying too hard in high school, but she has a 4.0 at DVC, and plans to transfer to UC Berkeley.

I don't think you can go to a UC armed only with the CHSPE, but it can be a good choice for a mature kid who is willing to spend from 3 to 4 semesters at a community college first. I know that some colleges will accept transfers without high school transcripts after 40 college units and some require more, but we never made an exhaustive search since they both picked schools and then worked to fulfill the requirements for transfer.

Whether to let them live on their own or live at home is a different matter. worked for my kids

Why not schedule a session with an educational therapist who can help you determine what's going on with your son and how you can best deal with the situation? Educational therapists can also help with college plans.

One possible reason why a junior's grades might be slipping, and why he might appear unmotivated, is a learning disorder. The ''Predominantly Inattentive'' type of Attention Deficit Disorder sometimes causes bright students to lose interest in school. (It's hard to maintain interest when you're ''slipping in and out'' of attention in class, and having to re-read and re-read assigned texts. Grades may plunge because assignments aren't submitted, so the student gets great scores on standardized exams--and even on in-class exams--but much lower course grades.

I'm an educational therapist, former staff member at UC Berkeley. Please email if you think I can help. No charge for email or initial telephone consultation. Caroline

Very worried Mom, You haven't given enough information about your son to be able to offer useful advice. How old is he, what else does he do in his spare time, what are his academic interests, what behaviors make you question his maturity, what evidence has he shown of his ability to adjust to a new environment or to do college level academic work? If he has slipping grades and ''very good'' but not excellent standardized test scores, how do you know he could do well academically at a UC? Have you seen him carry out project he is interested in?

Normal admission to a UC requires completing a required set of courses. Admission by examination is quite rare at the highly selective UC's and requires superlative college examination test scores. Does he have superlative test scores? Would he be willing to go far away to a new UC campus (Merced) or to one of the less popular ones in southern California?

A lot hinges on how self-motivated he is, how able he is to do college level work, if he has goals or just wants to get out of high school. Any negative behaviors that tip the balance? So you have to evaluate the evidence you have. If you have no evidence of his self-motivation and ability to follow through when out of the protective high school environment, then maybe he needs to prove himself first at a community college. Or at a job. Work experience would be good, to help him mature and see what the real world is like. Maybe he could get a job first. Or participate in an international community-oriented program.

Perhaps one way to deal with it is to have him outline his strengths and weaknesses for you and try to build the case himself for why he is ready to go to college. Then let him research what it would take to get in. If he is not able to do this, that would be telling.

Another option is for all of you to talk with an educational consultant. Anonymous

Just an idea, have your son look at this school http://www.simons-rock.edu/

They specialize in students that want to go to college early. They need to have a good GPA so maybe if he looks at the school it will motivate him. They have full scholarships for qualified students.

Maybe it is the right time to start looking at colleges. I highly recommend quickly looking for a college summer program at a place of interest to your son in a field that he has passion for. If he wants to learn to program computer games, or learn painting, or study the ocean there is a great progam for it at some University or College: for instance www.EducationUnlimited.com www.bu.edu/summer

I gave this advice to one teen and his family from this list several years ago and a good friend of my daughter's. Guess what? The teens were ready for college and when they had a taste of what was in store for them their high school work improved and both were admitted to all their first choice colleges. One should be half way thru college now and one will be entering this fall. These are true stories, I just said ''Do you know you can do this?'' They didn't at the time but when they checked it out it seemed to fit and fall into place.

run a google on this topic summer Programs for teens at Universities

and you will find many, many great options. Some of the programs have scholarship assistance or sliding scale. Or bite the bullet and pay the costs if your son finds something he really wants to do - make the deal that his grades and homework need to receive his full attention.

It is important to support your student to find their passion and how to be great at what they want to be. Our ideas of what is reasonable or practical may be stifling to them and not necessarily what will work in the marketplace for their generation.

I know a lot of people with professional degrees who cannot find work in their field. Some of my most successful friends returned to school to get second BAs,and then advanced degrees, took a while to find themselves. Following your passion with guidance, emotional support, and appropriate educational experiences can make a huge difference in launching your life.

Even if your son does not find an ideal summer program, searching for what interests him will be a great opportunity for him to explore life outside of high school. So even the search is a good thing. High school can be very confining exspecially about the junior year. A class at Berkeley City College or the City College of San Francisco might work equally well. Or think about a service project, helping others is a good way to help yourself.

If it helps I would be happy to talk to your son to help find out what he is interested in or you can both email me. Good luck claudia

first, i send you wishes for huge patience & grace with this. i know it's a really tough situation. i'm writing you back because i was that kid. i failed high school (was held back a year) while being smart, high SAT scores, talented musician, etc. your description of him is like looking in a mirror for me. for me, the environment, as supportive as my parents were trying to be (and they were loving, generous, curious - doing the best they could), was the issue for me. the instant i got away & into college, i instantly manifested discipline, interest & enthusiasm, and did fine in school & wonderfully in life. only later i heard that i could have taken the equivalency test and gotten out earlier, and was angry that nobody had offered it to me.

i don't know the statistics on how ''well'' kids like that do leaving HS early, but i know that i would have been thrilled. and a little bumpiness in a transition like that couldn't have been worse than the hell of depression - being in an obviously stultifying place (suburban high school). a year living at home doing pre-req's at a community college might be an acceptable compromise (to him) to the full-on UC entry. another possibility that comes to mind is giving him more autonomy while staying where he is. more leniency of outside activity, or offering some activity he really wants (if you can figure out with him what that is) - essentially sending the message that you, like him, don't believe that high school is a very satisfying, full-person place to be. take a semester off & travel around the world together? or a foreign- exchange type program for him? think outside the box. whatever you find, i wish you (& him especially) all the best. sean

Struggling in school and apparently unmotivated

I am wondering what to do for a student who is struggling in school, and seems to have a lack of motivation to improve. I do not know exactly why there is not much effort on the student's part, but have some ideas it is related to emotional issues. I think I would like to find someone or some program to help him over the summer, when we have more time for extra help. I do not want him to fall further behind, and would like to also get a handle on this negative school attitude. Any ideas? thanks. needing advice

We were in a similar boat. I got the book ''Bright Minds, Poor Grades'' which was ENORMOUSLY helpful -- re-oriented my thinking on the matter. Also got a great tutor through One Smart Kid (Marci Klane is wise and talented when it comes to hiring for her tutoring company -- every tutor we've worked with has been the right match for my son's particular needs at the time)415-285-6507. You didn't include many details like your son's age, grade, or emotional struggles -- but hope this helps. Evie

I'm an educational therapist working with intelligent teens who are having problems in school for one reason or another. Many of them appear unmotivated, and many say that school is ''boring.'' Sometimes they really are bored; sometimes their schoolwork is being affected by emotional issues; but quite often they are showing the effects of a learning disability or Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. It's a good idea to check out this possibility with an appropriate professional: for example, an educational therapist, learning disabilities specialist, or developmental pediatrician. Caroline

Ms. Parker is a therapuetic learning specialist. She was the director of Lindamood-Bell Berkeley and is now working towards her PhD in education. Ms. Parker works with a few students during the year, and has more time for private students in the summer. Ms. Parker is experienced in working with children who have various learning challenges. Ms. Parker is very intuitive and has a natural ability to connect with and motivate students. Ms. Parker helped one of my children with organizational skills, and my other child with his writing. She was dynamic and engaging with each of them and adapted her style to meet their particular temperaments. You can reach her at 510 530-9571. a happy parent

My 15 year old was totally disillusioned and unmotivated by high school and refused to go. We eventually found, interviewed and eventually sent him to Holden High School in Orinda (formerly Contra Costa Alternative High School), and he really likes it. You might want to check out some alternative high schools. alternative solutions

16-y-o son is almost completely unmotivated to do any work in school

My 16 yr. old son is a late fall birthday junior in high school. This school year, he is almost completely unmotivated to do any work in school. Part of it is boredom, but his almost straight A high school average is now B's and C's and is getting worse, mostly because of missing assignments. He lies about doing his work, about doing it well, and about turning it in. All he wants to do is play videos, talk on the phone with girls, and hang out with his friends. He's always relied about natural talent rather than hard work but we used to be able to get him to do his work - now he doesn't actually rebel - he just sits in his room without doing anything. His friends are similarily unmotivated. Our son DOES say he wants to go to college but doesn't seem to connect his rapidly dropping grades to his dwindling opportunities. VERY FRUSTRATING and causing quite a bit of stress in our family. We don't think drugs/alcohol are a factor - just immaturity, slacker friends, and laziness. And maybe, he's not ready to grow up yet? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Mostly we've relied upon taking away computer, cellphone, going to friend's houses, etc. but that only works temporarily. And, as we tell him, soon he will be an adult and being such a slacker really isn't going to cut it (his room, personal hygiene, and approach to household chores is equally lax). anonymous

I would be worried that your son uses drugs. The behavior you describe matches 100% of what we had to go through with our teenage son, and we had the same initial reaction as you. But no, this is not immaturity. This is your son's concious choice to do what he does, and there is a very high chance he is involved with drugs. The drugs are so easy to get in schools. The biggest mistake you could be making is refusing to accept in your minds that the situation with your son may be serious. We have made such mistake. My advice: make sure you are right - search his room and all belonings, find out how does he spend time with his ''friends'', install parental control on his computer and read the book ''Before it's too late'' by Stanton Samenow. If you are able to prove to yourself that there is no drugs involved, your son should be able to shape up in a few months. Julie

I think that it is likely that your son is using drugs. I always thought that I would ''know'' because I did drugs as a teen growing up in Berkeley and that the signs would be obvious. My daughter was using on and off for a couple of years (starting at about 13) before I knew. I could see some of the same things that you are - low grades (in her case C's, D's and F's), hanging out with large groups of friends (the ''knoll'' on campus and Starbucks at the corner of Center and Oxford among the hang outs) and general slacking. Some of the drugs like meth are truly frightening in that they can cause brain damage or death. There are lots of interventions. Most of them involve getting the teen out of the environment all together. We started with a wilderness program (they work with kids who have just behavior issues, not drug related) and have moved onto residential treatment programs. You can find out quite a bit from the observations of counselors and teachers - for example, they saw my daughter smoking cigarettes in the park across from Berkeley High - something I never saw until much later. I hope this is not what you are dealing with. Good luck. anon

My 16 year old son was also unmotivated in school--bright kid but not trying, happy to get C's and an occasional B and hang out with friends and play video games. I've had excellent results with him working with Kevin Arnold, a tutor who has helped him organize his time better and helped him in Spanish and a few other subjects. (Kevinarnold2004[at]yahoo.com) They meet at a cafe which makes my son feel more grown-up. A former teacher, Kevin has a low-key, friendly, supportive manner. My son and I now argue a lot less about school work and his grades have definitely improved. Happier Mom

The behavior you describe is ''typical'' behavior for a child your son's age. My 18 y.o. went through the same thing at 16. If your son goes to a large high school, he may not have a teacher or counselor looking after him (a go-to guy). He might see other kids not doing any work and passing anyway. There are some smaller charter schools around, and someone mentioned a program in Berkeley, I think, where the kids do their high school work in the a.m. and then go to college classes in the p.m. This might work for your son.

You are doing the right thing about controlling computer and gaming time. Make extra time a reward for good grades, helping out or keeping himself clean for a week. Remember those little charts we did when they were younger? Gaming can be very addictive to a teenage boy, and Ive seen some kids cut school etc. to get back on.

What I had to do with my daughter was to budget her computer time (there are programs you can download to do this). I also began asking to see her homework before I would let her do anything. In addition many teachers respond to e-mails and you can ask them if he turned in his HW. I also noticed that when the teacher knew whose parent I was, and they saw we were involved and concerned, they paid more attention to how my daughter was doing. (squeaky wheel theory)

Good luck with this, and keep after him. He might appear angry at first, but he should come around. He will appreciate your involvement in the future. Jenny

We completely agree with the posting about tutoring from Kevin Arnold. Our 13-year-old suddenly developed test anxiety and his grades dropped. He seemed totally unmotivated and exhibited the same apathy and seemed only to be interested in video games, etc. We hired Kevin for weekly sessions, and we're very happy with the results. If you can afford a private tutor, Kevin is great and seems to win the trust and confidence of his students. Best wishes to you - hope this situation doesn't turn out to include drugs -- Wendy, Oakland

I just left almost the same response to another post... Paul Osborne, Paul The Tutor, seems to have some very good success with these types of students. Paul has a nice way of connecting with these types of students so they see the possibilities. In addition, he tutors almost any subject, so can help with which ever subject a student needs help at any given time. You can read more or send him an email from his website, www.paulthetutor.com His phone number is (510) 301-5302 Good Luck, Parent and Teacher

Unmotivated HS junior seems destined to drop out

My son is a Jr. in HS and his participation has gone from bad to worse. I doubt very much that he'll be eligible for graduation. We have tried unsuccessfully to motivate him. He shows up to school whenever he feels like it. I'm trying to let him know that eventually he must accept some responsibility for his future and that once he turns 18 it's either work or school. If anyone is in a similar situation, please advise? Thank you.

Been there done that. There are a LOT of kids out here like your son and we parents all struggle along. The best advice I got was to have him take the Cal. Equivalency Exam (CHSPE) (see previous advice here . But he needs to be under 18 and it's only given 2 times a year, so don't put it off. If he passes, he can then take community college classes, or get a job, while he figures out what he wants to do. I am still waiting for my 18-year-old to figure that out. But I found it was a big waste of energy, time and money to try to keep him in high school when he wasn't motivated to be there (and we tried 3 different schools!) It was a relief once we made the decision for him to drop out and take the CHSPE. Good luck!

I also have a son who is a junior who is ''barely'' in school. Last semester was a total loss. This semester he is attending class, but not much else. He is aware of the choices he is making. We tried therapy, which he refuses to go back to. My suggestion would be to make an appointment for a check up with his pediatrician. The pediatrician can ask about depression too. Check to see if he is experimenting with drugs or alcohol. Try a therapist. Take each day as it comes. Be supportive and patient and remind him everyday that you love him. Also that finishing high school is a must!. After talking to other mothers and teachers, I have found that the junior year is extremely stressful. We've lowered our expectations and now feel that if he makes it out of high school, we will be happy. After that, he will decide on what to do. The anxiety that is created just in growing up coupled with the competition for college is too much for some kids!

There are many programs for young people who are spiraling out of control academically, emotionally, and/or socially. They are usually referred to as ''emotional growth programs.'' Enrolling your child in these programs can seem extreme and be expensive (depending...) but they are well worth it if it gets your young person back on track in the end.

Programs in this catagory can range from 6-week-long outdoor adventures to behvior-mod style boarding schools to study abroad (and get-it-together-too) programs in Costa Rica or Samoa (literally!)

Please don't be too discouraged as you move through the adolescent years. They are tough for most, and really hard for some. After living in boarding schools for 10 years, helping to raise and mentor young people who were struggling, I learned this -- most kids end up just fine in the end, even if they have pushed their parents (and sometimes themselves) to the scary brink of disaster. I recently reunited with several of my old students from a while back. They were working, taking care of themselves capably, and living happily. (And, their parents had survived.) Breath through it all. Always breathe...

Best wishes to you and yours. Wanda

TO the parent who is concerned that her son will not graduate. As a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern, several thoughts came to mind as I read your e-mail. If your son's refusal to attend school represents new behavior, he may be depressed or experimenting with alcohol or other drugs. Is he hanging out with a new group of friends? Is he more secretive or has his behavior at home changed? Is your son capable of completing his assignments at school or is he struggling academically (not just because of time missed)? I would talk with his teachers to find out about your son's behavior when he does attend school. If you know parents of his friends or classmates, you might want to express your concerns to them. They may be having similar difficulties with their children. Mary

Underachieving 15 year-old - what to do?

My smart 16-y-o son (at BHS) has been utterly unmotivated since jr. high. and his 13-y-o brother is close behind. Last report card had two D's on it, one in Ceramics, if you can believe that. He says the teachers don't like him. They say he doesn't turn in his work. I don't know how to solve this problem but I will tell you what I've tried, and what the result was. Maybe others on the list will have ideas. If not, we can at least cry together on the mailing list!

1. punishments - I've tried all these for periods of a week to an entire grading period: come straight home after school, no TV, no video/computer games, no weekend sleepovers, no more allowance Result: no noticable results

2. rewards - instead of allowance, hefty bonus for A's and B's, nothing for C's, deductions for D's and F's. Extra bonus of TV in his room for all As and Bs. Result: slight improvement first grading period but zero profits all grading periods since then and he never qualified for the TV

3. nagging & lectures - "Where do you want to be in 2 years?" "How will you live in the Bay Area on miniumum wage?" "How will you get into college with a 2.3 GPA?" "When I was in High School" "All the Things you Have that I Didn't Have" etc. etc. etc. Even his friends nag him about his crummy grades. Result: if he's feeling happy, he says either "I guess I'm just lazy" or "Mom - think of what you're doing to my self-esteem" If his self-esteem is low, or I push him too hard, he says: "You just want me to be perfect! I'm not like you were!" and there is a big screaming fight and we both feel terrible for days .... I know self-esteem does come into this, but how do you preserve their self-esteem while still trying to prevent them from making huge mistakes?

4. private school - my son takes this as a threat. Very possibly this might have helped, but he loves the social life at BHS so much, and it is so important to him to be with the friends he's known since kindergarten, that I have never seriously considered this.

5. tutoring - this is about the same as trying to get him to do regular school work, only there is an additional person also trying, and you have to pay them to do it. The problem is not that he doesn't understand the material - he doesn't want to do it. The tutor also wasn't able to convince him to do it.

6. phoning/meeting with teachers - Result: predictable ("He doesn't turn in the work") This can also have the undesired effect of turning the teacher's attention to a previously unnoticed poor student, which has a couple of times for us meant even WORSE grades - now the teacher is expecting lousy performance from your kid so even if he improves, he may be already tagged for failure. On the other hand, I think it's good to meet with the teacher now and then so your kid knows you are interested, and that you care about his school work and are trying to find a way to make things better.

7. meeting with the school counselor - This was beneficial. The counselor listed all the classes and credits he's taken and he is actually not doing as badly as we thought, even though his grades suck, as he puts it. She had some helpful suggestions (find a study group). We felt encouraged. She also suggested we NOT take him off his jr. varsity team, something we had considered, because outside activities help with college applications. I also realized that being on the team is a big part of his identity, and that it helps him feel important and useful, so it would be devastating to have that taken away even if it interferes with his academic performance, which I am not so sure about.

8. talking with my friends - this helps a lot. Everyone has stories of the sister/nephew/husband/son who went thru high school with a C average and then blossomed in college when he found his niche. Or even later than college. Or maybe never, but "he's a really nice guy and everyone loves him." Seriously, some of my friends have teenagers who are brilliant in school, same schools as my kids all the way through, have fabulous GPA's and all sorts of extra-curricular activities, and are highly self-motivated, seemingly right out of the womb. That does get discouraging and it's hard to acknowledge that my kid just isn't like that. But it still helps to talk to other parents, because there are all sorts of kids, some better off than yours but some worse off too.

9. focusing on his good points - He's a personable guy, enjoyable to be around, has a good bunch of friends. These attributes can sometimes be more useful in life than stellar grades. And we have a pretty good relationship and he has never given me any problems with bad or risky behavior, which I am grateful for. I hardly ever tell him I appreciate these qualities, and I should do it more, now that I think about it - it seems like they can't get enough praise. He doesn't say anything back, but if I just say "You look nice in that shirt" his face lights up!

Anyway, I hope you don't put too much blame on yourself, because there are a lot of us out here struggling with the exact same problem, and there don't seem to be any easy solutions, at least not that I've found. But I'm always open to new ideas, so if anyone has something, send it on!

What has worked for me with my 14 year old son has been a combination of reward and punishment. For reward he gets more of what he wants such as more time for playing on computer, sleeping later on weekends, watching more TV and...... For punishment he looses privileges and things he wants the most such as things mentioned above.

This situation sounds just like my 14 year-old, down to the "sometimes almost brilliant" who just brought home 3 C's "work turned in late/incomplete." First, the parenting of teenagers just isn't something to feel that confident about unless your child is a mutant. Having a child who is brilliant but won't do the work is a constant struggle! Don't give up.

In your multiple choice test use psychology, punishment and witholding sparingly; I have had the best results with bribes and threats. If you use bribes, give the reward and then threaten to withdraw it if the desired behavior doesn't materialize. For example, put the phone in the bedroom, but clearly state that if there's more than one C (or whatever standard you want to hold him to) that the phone will be removed. It's a "you catch more flys with honey than vinegar" thing.

Most importantly, (at least to me) don't sacrifice other family values unless absolutely necessary. Seek out some large privelege or material thing he wants, and either tie it to the report card or give it and say it will be taken away if the standard isn't met.

Above all, be consistent and follow through. Do what you say you'll do. If you make a threat and fail to follow through, all you've done is teach him that your threats are meaningless.

This approach works for me and my daughter, I hope it works for you!

reply to underachieving 15 year old

It might be worth screening him for a brain disorder/mental illness. You mention that his father has a mental illness, and sometimes those are hereditary. I don't know what his dad has, but if a teen is struggling with bipolar disorder, depression, or ADD, their life can get pretty out of control. Treating the underlying illness might help him get back on track.

The only thing that is more challenging than parenting a teenager is parenting a teenager with a mental illness, but it can be done. Finding out if there is anything going on with the brain chemistry can really help. Best wishes to you.

A 16-year-old was just fractions of a second shy of becoming youngest male U.S. track Olympian ever

EUGENE, Ore. — Quincy Wilson, a 16-year-old from Bullis School outside Washington D.C., finished sixth with a time of 44.94 in Monday’s 400-meter final at the U.S. Olympic Track and Field Trials. 

Quincy Hall clocked in at 44:17 to take the top spot, and Michael Norman (44:41) and Chris Bailey (44:42) also claimed places on the team headed to Paris.

Though Wilson failed to make the team as an individual runner — and become the youngest male ever to do so — he will have a chance to be part of the U.S. 4x400 relay team. 

The result does not take away from an incredible weekend for the high schooler after he set — and then bested — the world record for under-18 runners that stood for 42 years. 

“I’ve never been this happy a day in my life when it comes to track,” Wilson said after he ran a 44.59 in the semifinals. “I’ve been working for this moment. That record I broke two days ago, that’s 42 years of nobody being able to break that record. I broke it twice in two days. It means a lot to me, because it means the hard work is paying off.”

Wilson, who only 19 days ago finished his sophomore year of high school, competed this week with some of the world’s fastest runners. Vernon Norwood is 32, twice Wilson’s age. Michael Norman, 26, finished fifth in the Tokyo Games.

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Norman called Wilson’s performances “spectacular.”

“A 16-year-old is going out here competing like a true competitor,” Norman said. “He’s not letting the moment get too big. He’s living in the moment and competing, so it’s great to see young talents like himself elevate, push us to run a little bit faster and take us out of our comfort zone. He has a bright future in front of him as long as he stays grounded and focused.”

Wilson, at 5-feet-9 and 140 pounds, could have faded in that semifinal. At the final turn, he was in fifth place with a lot of ground to make up for down the stretch. He said “the race plan went out the window” at that point and he had to dig deep. 

“Stay calm,” he said he told himself in that moment. “I didn’t get out the way that I wanted to, but like my coach said, the race starts at 300. Coming up from fifth to third, it means a lot. If you look at me, I’m not as strong, so it’s 100% heart inside.”

Greg Rosenstein is the sports editor for NBC News Digital.

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Florida prosecutors knew Epstein raped teenage girls 2 years before cutting deal, transcript shows

FILE - This photo provided by the New York State Sex Offender Registry shows Jeffrey Epstein, March 28, 2017. On Monday, July 1, 2024, Florida Circuit Judge Luis Delgado released the transcripts of a 2006 grand jury investigation that looked into sex trafficking and rape allegations made against Epstein. (New York State Sex Offender Registry via AP, File)

FILE - Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis speaks at the Palm Beach Police Department, Feb. 29, 2024, in Palm Beach, Fla., just before signing a bill to release the transcripts of a 2006 grand jury investigation that looked into sex trafficking and rape allegations made against Jeffrey Epstein. On Monday, July 1, 2024, Florida Circuit Judge Luis Delgado released the grand jury transcripts. (Damon Higgins/The Palm Beach Post via AP, File)

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FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (AP) — Florida prosecutors knew the late millionaire and financier Jeffrey Epstein sexually assaulted teenage girls two years before they cut a plea deal that has long been criticized as too lenient and a missed opportunity to imprison him a decade earlier, according to transcripts released Monday.

The 2006 grand jury investigation was the first of many by law enforcement over the past two decades into Epstein’s rape and sex trafficking of teenagers — and how his ties to the rich and the powerful seem to have allowed him to avoid prison or a serious jail term for over a decade.

The investigations uncovered Epstein’s close ties to former President Bill Clinton and Britain’s Prince Andrew , as well as his once friendly relationship with former President Donald Trump and numerous others of wealth and influence who have denied doing anything criminal or improper and not been charged.

Circuit Judge Luis Delgado’s release of approximately 150 pages Monday came as a surprise, since there was scheduled hearing next week over unsealing the graphic testimony. Gov. Ron DeSantis had signed a bill in February allowing the release on Monday or any time thereafter that Delgado ordered. Florida grand jury transcripts are usually kept secret forever, but the bill created an exemption for cases like Epstein’s.

The transcripts show that the grand jury heard testimony that Epstein, who was then in his 40s, had raped teenage girls as young as 14 at his Palm Beach mansion, often paying them so he could commit statutory rape or assault. The teenagers testified and told detectives they were also paid cash or rented cars if they found him more girls.

“The details in the record will be outrageous to decent people,” Delgado wrote in his order. “The testimony taken by the Grand Jury concerns activity ranging from grossly unacceptable to rape — all of the conduct at issue is sexually deviant, disgusting, and criminal.”

In 2008, Epstein cut a deal with South Florida federal prosecutors that allowed him to escape more severe federal charges and instead plead guilty to state charges of procuring a person under 18 for prostitution and solicitation of prostitution. He was sentenced to 1.5 years in the Palm Beach County jail system, during which he was allowed to go to his office almost daily as part of a work-release program, followed by a year of house arrest. He was required to register as a sex offender.

Criticism of the deal resulted in the 2019 resignation of Trump’s labor secretary, Alex Acosta, who was the U.S. attorney for South Florida in 2008 and signed off on the deal. A 2020 Justice Department investigation concluded that Acosta used “poor judgment” in his handling of the Epstein prosecution, but it didn’t rise to the level of professional misconduct.

The chief prosecutor in the Epstein case, former Palm Beach County State Attorney Barry Krischer, did not immediately respond Monday to an email and a voicemail seeking comment about the transcripts’ release.

Current Palm Beach County State Attorney Dave Aronberg, who was not involved in the investigation, said in a statement he is glad the records have been released. He said he has not yet read the transcripts, so could not comment on whether Krischer should have pursued a tougher prosecution of Epstein.

Brad Edwards, an attorney for many of the victims, said in a statement that the transcripts show that Krischer’s office “took the case to the Grand Jury with an agenda — to return minimal, if any, criminal charges against Jeffrey Epstein.”

“A fraction of the evidence was presented, in a misleading way, and the Office portrayed the victims as criminals,” he said. “It is so sad, the number of victims Epstein was able to abuse because the State carried water for him when they had a chance to put him away.”

Epstein’s estate is paying $155 million in restitution to more than 125 victims.

According to the transcripts, Palm Beach Police Detective Joe Recarey testified in July 2006 that the initial investigation began when a woman reported in March 2005 that her stepdaughter who was in high school at the time said she received $300 in exchange for “sexual activity with a man in Palm Beach,” Recarey testified.

Another teenager, whose name was redacted in the transcript, told detectives that she was 17 years old when she was approached by a friend who said she could make $200 by providing a massage at Epstein’s home.

At the house, when Epstein tried touching her, she told him she was uncomfortable. He then told her that he would pay her $200 if she brought “girls” to the house. “And he told her, ‘The younger, the better,’” Recarey said.

Over time she brought six friends to Epstein’s house, including a 14-year-old, and likened herself to Hollywood Madame Heidi Fleiss in October 2005 interviews, Recarey recounted.

When she brought over a 23-year-old friend, Epstein told her that the friend was too old.

“The more you did, the more money you made,” the detective said the teen told him. “She explained that there was going to be a massage or some possible touching, and you would have to provide the massage either topless or naked.”

Another teen testified she visited Epstein’s house hundreds of times in the early 2000s, starting when she was 16. She testified that Epstein paid her $200 each time she gave him a massage while naked, rented her a car and gave her $1,000 the time he raped her.

A 2005 police search of Epstein’s mansion found evidence supporting the girls’ testimony. Also, Epstein’s houseman told detectives that the teenagers who came to the mansion were “very young. Too young to be a masseuse.”

Epstein in 2018 was charged with federal sex trafficking crimes in New York — where he also had a mansion that was a scene of abuse — after the Miami Herald published a series of articles that renewed public attention on the case, including interviews with some victims who had been pursuing civil lawsuits against him. Epstein was 66 when he killed himself in a New York City jail cell in August 2019, federal officials say.

Delgado in his order wrote that the transcripts show why Epstein was “the most infamous pedophile in American history.”

“For almost 20 years, the story of how Jeffrey Epstein victimized some of Palm Beach County’s most vulnerable has been the subject of much anger and has at times diminished the public’s perception of the criminal justice system,” Delgado wrote.

Associated Press reporters Mike Schneider in Orlando, Florida, Curt Anderson in St. Petersburg, Florida, and Stephany Matat in West Palm Beach, Florida, Kim Chandler in Montgomery, Alabama, and Sudhin Thanawala in Atlanta contributed to this report.

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Russia Sends Waves of Troops to the Front in a Brutal Style of Fighting

More than 1,000 Russian soldiers in Ukraine were killed or wounded on average each day in May, according to NATO and Western military officials.

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By Julian E. Barnes ,  Eric Schmitt and Marc Santora

Julian E. Barnes and Eric Schmitt reported from Washington, and Marc Santora from Kyiv, Ukraine.

May was a particularly deadly month for the Russian army in Ukraine, with an average of more than 1,000 of its soldiers injured or killed each day, according to U.S., British and other Western intelligence agencies.

But despite its losses, Russia is recruiting 25,000 to 30,000 new soldiers a month — roughly as many as are exiting the battlefield, U.S. officials said. That has allowed its army to keep sending wave after wave of troops at Ukrainian defenses, hoping to overwhelm them and break through the trench lines.

It is a style of warfare that Russian soldiers have likened to being put into a meat grinder, with commanding officers seemingly oblivious to the fact that they are sending infantry soldiers to die.

At times, this approach has proved effective, bringing the Russian army victories in Avdiivka and Bakhmut in eastern Ukraine. But Ukrainian and Western officials say the tactics were less successful this spring, as Russia tried to take land near the city of Kharkiv.

American officials said that Russia achieved a critical objective of President Vladimir V. Putin, creating a buffer zone along the border to make it more difficult for the Ukrainians to strike into the country.

But the drive did not threaten Kharkiv and was ultimately stopped by Ukrainian defenses, according to Western officials.

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Map shows states where fireworks are legal or illegal on July 4, 2024

By Emily Mae Czachor

Updated on: July 4, 2024 / 10:12 PM EDT / CBS News

Fireworks have become a staple of July Fourth celebrations across the United States, where towns and cities often host professional shows to mark the occasion each year. In some areas, smaller displays of less powerful fireworks pop up at private holiday parties. For people wondering where fireworks are legal —and where they're illegal— nationwide, here's what to know.

Full list of U.S. states where some fireworks are legal

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has banned several types of fireworks —like M-80s, cherry bombs and anything else that contains more than 50 milligrams of pyrotechnic material— at the federal level, but state and local regulations can be more complicated. To varying degrees, certain types of fireworks are legal in 49 states, plus Washington, D.C. 

Here's the full list:

• Connecticut
• Mississippi
• New Hampshire
• North Carolina
• North Dakota
• Pennsylvania
• Rhode Island
• South Carolina
• Washington, D.C.
• West Virginia

The one U.S. state where all private fireworks are illegal

Massachusetts is the only state in the U.S. where it is illegal to sell, use or otherwise possess fireworks of any kind as a private citizen. Many communities across the state  host public fireworks displays at their July Fourth celebrations . But without a license and permit, the statewide law prohibits fireworks of all kinds, including sparklers, firecrackers and any other comparable device that's been designed to produce "a visible or audible effect," according to the state government .

The fireworks show in Marblehead, Mass. was canceled because the fireworks barge caught fire in the early morning hours Thursday. No one was aboard the barge at the time and there were no injuries, officials said. 

"There was a fire on the barge in the middle of the night," organizers said in a statement. "The fire marshal won't allow our vendor to perform any fireworks until determination of how the barge was able to catch fire."  

The ban has existed since 1943 , when state legislators amended an earlier set of statutes that previously allowed civilians to buy, sell and use certain kinds of fireworks for displays. When they enacted the fireworks ban, it was among an overhaul of measures enacted in response to World War II, some of which were billed as "emergency" orders meant specifically to remain effective as long as there was a potential enemy threat. But the the consumer fireworks law stayed in place after the war.

Despite periodic calls from within Massachusetts to lift the ban, officials say it continues to be necessary and have ramped up enforcement in recent years because illegal fireworks are prevalent. Between 2013 and 2022, Massachusetts fire departments reported almost 1,000 fires linked to illegal fireworks displays, in addition to 47 injuries — the majority to firefighters — and $2.5 million in damages, according to the state .

States where some fireworks are legal but many are restricted

Numerous states and Washington, D.C., restrict the sale, possession and use of consumer fireworks, even though professional fireworks displays are allowed with the appropriate licenses and permits. Those states are:

Illinois and Vermont have stricter laws than the rest of the U.S. In those states, only sparklers and "novelty" smoke devices are up for sale to the general public. A "novelty" device is one that contains "small amounts of pyrotechnic and/or explosive composition" but does not technically meet requirements to be considered a consumer firework, according to the  American Pyrotechnic Association .

In  Illinois , novelties include snakes, glow worm pellets, smoke devices, party poppers, snappers, trick matches, and "other devices in which paper or plastic caps containing twenty-five hundredths grains or less of explosive compound are used," per the state law banning most consumer fireworks.

The laws are similar in Vermont, where certain sparklers and novelty devices are allowed, provided that the sparklers contain 20 grams or less of pyrotechnic materials and the novelties contain 0.25 grains or less of explosive mixture, according to the  Office of the State Fire Marshal .

States that let counties determine fireworks laws

Hawaii, Nevada and Wyoming allow counties to determine whether fireworks are legal or not within their individual jurisdictions, as well as which kinds of fireworks are allowed and exactly when and where people can buy, sell and use them. 

In Hawaii, concerns over public safety prompted legislators in 2010 to pass a law that gave counties the authority to set stricter regulations for consumer fireworks than the ones established at the state level. It allowed, for instance, the City and County of Honolulu to broadly prohibit the sale, possession and use of all consumer fireworks except fire crackers — which can be obtained with a permit. But the ordinance doesn't apply to other counties.

Similar laws have been passed by state legislatures in Nevada  and Wyoming to give local officials control over fireworks in their areas. In those states, consumer fireworks may be legal in one county and banned in another, and some counties restrict buying, selling and using fireworks to specific times on designated days of the year.

Even when consumer fireworks are generally regulated by the state, people may find themselves in a town or city in Arizona, California, Colorado, Maryland, Nevada or Ohio that has more stringent fireworks laws than its neighbors. And, in places like Illinois, setting off fireworks is only allowed in counties that have passed an ordinance to permit it, including on private property. 

What are non-aerial and non-explosive fireworks?

Most of the states where some but not all fireworks are legally accessible to civilians limit what's allowed to non-aerial and non-explosive fireworks only. Sometimes called "safe and sane" fireworks, these typically refer to devices that don't explode or fly. Because they contain lower amounts of combustible material than other fireworks, officials say they are also less likely to cause injuries or damage to property.

In wildfire-prone California, purchasing fireworks is illegal unless their packaging explicitly bears a "safe and sane" seal. A  fireworks education site operated by the California fire marshal's office lists sky rockets, bottle rockets, Roman candles, aerial shells and firecrackers as a few examples of fireworks that have been banned statewide in accordance with "safe and sane" standards, along with "other fireworks that explode, go into the air, or move on the ground in an uncontrollable manner." 

A growing number of California counties have outlawed fireworks altogether . Violators could faces fines and or jail time.

Why do some states ban certain fireworks?

Most states that place restrictions for civilians on the sale, possession and use of fireworks say the risks of injuries and property damages are their main reasons for doing so. In a number of those states, officials also cite the increased likelihood of wildfires sparking and potentially spreading in an area where fireworks have been set off. 

In California, as the weather remains hot and dry this week, fire officials are issuing warnings about the use of fireworks, which are illegal in several counties. At least two brush fires in the Bay Area may have been caused by illegal fireworks in the past few days. In San Francisco, all fireworks are illegal.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission said it received reports of eight deaths and an estimated 9,700 injuries related to fireworks in 2023 alone. Of the eight deaths, five were associated with fireworks misuse, two with device malfunction and one was unknown.

How to report illegal fireworks

States and counties across the country encourage people to report any instances where they suspect illegal fireworks are involved, and many ask their residents to file those reports to their local fire departments or law enforcement agencies. People can also report illegal fireworks activity to a hotline at the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms , which is responsible for regulating all explosives, including fireworks.

Emily Mae Czachor is a reporter and news editor at CBSNews.com. She covers breaking news, often focusing on crime and extreme weather. Emily Mae has previously written for outlets including the Los Angeles Times, BuzzFeed and Newsweek.

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