how to get your child to do his school work

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Strategies to make homework go more smoothly.

Routines and incentive systems to help kids succeed

Writer: Peg Dawson, EdD, NCSP

Clinical Expert: Peg Dawson, EdD, NCSP

Here is the best guide to helping kids do homework successfully that we’ve seen, published by the National Association of School Psychologists on their website, NASPonline.org . Our thanks to NASP for sharing it with us.

There are two key strategies parents can draw on to reduce homework hassles. The first is to establish clear routines around homework, including when and where homework gets done and setting up daily schedules for homework. The second is to build in rewards or incentives to use with children for whom “good grades” is not a sufficient reward for doing homework.

Homework Routines

Tasks are easiest to accomplish when tied to specific routines. By establishing daily routines for homework completion, you will not only make homework go more smoothly, but you will also be fostering a sense of order your child can apply to later life, including college and work.

Step 1. Find a location in the house where homework will be done. The right location will depend on your child and the culture of your family. Some children do best at a desk in their bedroom. It is a quiet location, away from the hubbub of family noise. Other children become too distracted by the things they keep in their bedroom and do better at a place removed from those distractions, like the dining room table. Some children need to work by themselves. Others need to have parents nearby to help keep them on task and to answer questions when problems arise. Ask your child where the best place is to work. Both you and your child need to discuss pros and cons of different settings to arrive at a mutually agreed upon location.

Step 2. Set up a homework center. Once you and your child have identified a location, fix it up as a home office/homework center. Make sure there is a clear workspace large enough to set out all the materials necessary for completing assignments. Outfit the homework center with the kinds of supplies your child is most likely to need, such as pencils, pens, colored markers, rulers, scissors, a dictionary and thesaurus, graph paper, construction paper, glue and cellophane tape, lined paper, a calculator, spell checker, and, depending on the age and needs of your child, a computer or laptop. If the homework center is a place that will be used for other things (such as the dining room table), then your child can keep the supplies in a portable crate or bin. If possible, the homework center should include a bulletin board that can hold a monthly calendar on which your child can keep track of longterm assignments. Allowing children some leeway in decorating the homework center can help them feel at home there, but you should be careful that it does not become too cluttered with distracting materials.

Step 3. Establish a homework time. Your child should get in the habit of doing homework at the same time every day. The time may vary depending on the individual child. Some children need a break right after school to get some exercise and have a snack. Others need to start homework while they are still in a school mode (i.e., right after school when there is still some momentum left from getting through the day). In general, it may be best to get homework done either before dinner or as early in the evening as the child can tolerate. The later it gets, the more tired the child becomes and the more slowly the homework gets done.

Step 4. Establish a daily homework schedule. In general, at least into middle school, the homework session should begin with your sitting down with your child and drawing up a homework schedule. You should review all the assignments and make sure your child understands them and has all the necessary materials. Ask your child to estimate how long it will take to complete each assignment. Then ask when each assignment will get started. If your child needs help with any assignment , then this should be determined at the beginning so that the start times can take into account parent availability. A Daily Homework Planner is included at the end of this handout and contains a place for identifying when breaks may be taken and what rewards may be earned.

Incentive Systems

Many children who are not motivated by the enjoyment of doing homework are motivated by the high grade they hope to earn as a result of doing a quality job. Thus, the grade is an incentive, motivating the child to do homework with care and in a timely manner. For children who are not motivated by grades, parents will need to look for other rewards to help them get through their nightly chores. Incentive systems fall into two categories: simple and elaborate.

Simple incentive systems. The simplest incentive system is reminding the child of a fun activity to do when homework is done. It may be a favorite television show, a chance to spend some time with a video or computer game, talking on the telephone or instant messaging, or playing a game with a parent. This system of withholding fun things until the drudgery is over is sometimes called Grandma’s Law because grandmothers often use it quite effectively (“First take out the trash, then you can have chocolate chip cookies.”). Having something to look forward to can be a powerful incentive to get the hard work done. When parents remind children of this as they sit down at their desks they may be able to spark the engine that drives the child to stick with the work until it is done.

Elaborate incentive systems. These involve more planning and more work on the part of parents but in some cases are necessary to address more significant homework problems. More complex incentives systems might include a structure for earning points that could be used to “purchase” privileges or rewards or a system that provides greater reward for accomplishing more difficult homework tasks. These systems work best when parents and children together develop them. Giving children input gives them a sense of control and ownership, making the system more likely to succeed. We have found that children are generally realistic in setting goals and deciding on rewards and penalties when they are involved in the decision-making process.

Building in breaks. These are good for the child who cannot quite make it to the end without a small reward en route. When creating the daily homework schedule, it may be useful with these children to identify when they will take their breaks. Some children prefer to take breaks at specific time intervals (every 15 minutes), while others do better when the breaks occur after they finish an activity. If you use this approach, you should discuss with your child how long the breaks will last and what will be done during the breaks (get a snack, call a friend, play one level on a video game). The Daily Homework Planner includes sections where breaks and end-of-homework rewards can be identified.

Building in choice. This can be an effective strategy for parents to use with children who resist homework. Choice can be incorporated into both the order in which the child agrees to complete assignments and the schedule they will follow to get the work done. Building in choice not only helps motivate children but can also reduce power struggles between parents and children.

Developing Incentive Systems

Step 1. Describe the problem behaviors. Parents and children decide which behaviors are causing problems at homework time. For some children putting homework off to the last minute is the problem; for others, it is forgetting materials or neglecting to write down assignments. Still others rush through their work and make careless mistakes, while others dawdle over assignments, taking hours to complete what should take only a few minutes. It is important to be as specific as possible when describing the problem behaviors. The problem behavior should be described as behaviors that can be seen or heard; for instance, complains about h omework or rushes through homework, making many mistakes are better descriptors than has a bad attitude or is lazy.

Step 2. Set a goal. Usually the goal relates directly to the problem behavior. For instance, if not writing down assignments is the problem, the goal might be: “Joe will write down his assignments in his assignment book for every class.”

Step 3. Decide on possible rewards and penalties. Homework incentive systems work best when children have a menu of rewards to choose from, since no single reward will be attractive for long. We recommend a point system in which points can be earned for the goal behaviors and traded in for the reward the child wants to earn. The bigger the reward, the more points the child will need to earn it. The menu should include both larger, more expensive rewards that may take a week or a month to earn and smaller, inexpensive rewards that can be earned daily. It may also be necessary to build penalties into the system. This is usually the loss of a privilege (such as the chance to watch a favorite TV show or the chance to talk on the telephone to a friend).

Once the system is up and running, and if you find your child is earning more penalties than rewards, then the program needs to be revised so that your child can be more successful. Usually when this kind of system fails, we think of it as a design failure rather than the failure of the child to respond to rewards. It may be a good idea if you are having difficulty designing a system that works to consult a specialist, such as a school psychologist or counselor, for assistance.

Step 4. Write a homework contract. The contract should say exactly what the child agrees to do and exactly what the parents’ roles and responsibilities will be. When the contract is in place, it should reduce some of the tension parents and kids often experience around homework. For instance, if part of the contract is that the child will earn a point for not complaining about homework, then if the child does complain, this should not be cause for a battle between parent and child: the child simply does not earn that point. Parents should also be sure to praise their children for following the contract. It will be important for parents to agree to a contract they can live with; that is, avoiding penalties they are either unable or unwilling to impose (e.g., if both parents work and are not at home, they cannot monitor whether a child is beginning homework right after school, so an alternative contract may need to be written).

We have found that it is a rare incentive system that works the first time. Parents should expect to try it out and redesign it to work the kinks out. Eventually, once the child is used to doing the behaviors specified in the contract, the contract can be rewritten to work on another problem behavior. Your child over time may be willing to drop the use of an incentive system altogether. This is often a long-term goal, however, and you should be ready to write a new contract if your child slips back to bad habits once a system is dropped.

Click here to download the homework planner and incentive sheet .

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Motivating Teens to Do School Work

Motivation is busted by disinterest, boredom, and expectation of failure..

Posted September 21, 2022 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

• What Is Motivation?
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• Teenagers often struggle with motivation when trying to achieve their goals.
• Parents can help their teens sustain effort by making learning personally relevant, meaningful, and enjoyable.
• When teens can recognize they're making progress and connect effort with success, they are more likely to persevere.

“What can I do to get my teenagers to put in the effort needed for success in school?

How can teens build their skills, persevere through setbacks, become independent learners, and learn from mistakes? These are the most frequent questions posed to me by parents when I present at conferences or schools.

Build your teen’s sustained motivation.

Sustaining your teen’s motivation , effort, and perseverance through setbacks is especially challenging during the teen years. Motivation can be busted by disinterest, boredom , an expectation of failure, or suffering frequent setbacks.

Teen brains are actively building the neural networks ( executive functions ) needed to sustain effort. During their high school years, you can influence these developing brain networks to expand their self-motivating capabilities.

From neuroscience research, we’ve learned that the brain expends greater effort when anticipating positive learning experiences or potential success. Strategies for these include helping teenagers recognize how subject topics are personally relevant and guiding them to appreciate the progress they make while working towards their goals. When teens are connected through personal relevance, recognizing their strengths, and seeing evidence of their ongoing progress, their ability to sustain motivation and work for success expands.

Why should they care?

Sustained effort can build when your teens find the learning personally relevant and interest-related, know they will do something interesting with that learning, and believe that their effort can result in success.

Relevance is a powerful tool to ignite and sustain both engagement and effort. If your teens know from the start that part of their learning of a topic will include doing something (in class or with you/friends) that interests them, relevance and motivation increase. As a unit progresses, sustain teens’ motivation by having them write about the usefulness of the material to their lives, future careers, or the careers of professionals they admire. Notably, increased understanding and long-term memory retention of the information arise as a side benefit of their applying learning to interests.

• Math: studying conversions between the metric and standard measurements system. A relevant opportunity occurs by inviting them to select a recipe from a cookbook from England using metric measurements. Have them choose a desirable one they can make at home. To follow the recipe, they will want to know how to make the “translations” between metric to imperial to use your standard kitchen measurement devices.
• History: Promote description or discussion of how the school topic relates to their interests, family life, community, or current events.
• Reading/literature: Invite your teens to select goals for the unit or assignment that they consider possible and valuable. These will be used as they keep progress records that show them they are achieving challenges. Examples of goals to note and record: number of pages read a week, progression to the next level of the multiplication tables, fewer spelling or grammar errors on essays.

They need to know they are making progress.

When learners recognize they are progressing toward a goal, a pleasurable achievement response is experienced. This positive experience activates the brain’s desire to acquire further skills to evoke that positive pleasure response. Awareness of making progress is a powerful cue that activates the brain’s perseverance even after setbacks, failures, and extraordinary challenges.

Frequent recognition of their progress en route to their goals will help them sustain their effort. This progress awareness builds their abilities to recognize that their effort is correlated to their progress—their perseverance and motivated effort are boosted.

Employ systems for helping teens recognize positive goal progress.

Remind them of their previous goal progress—such as learning to ride a bike, use the keyboard, play an instrument, or build skills in a sport. Have them recall that even before they reached their goal, they were aware they were making progress and that sustained their effort despite setbacks or mistakes. Invite (and explain) how they could use those successes to boost motivation and positive expectations for new challenges as they achieve their goals.

Ask your teens how they will recognize progress on the personal goals they defined for the unit or assignment. Guide them to evaluate if their goals are reasonable and manageable and how they will assess their progress.

For example:

• If the goal is to read a 200-page book in a month, they can write down, on a calendar or chart, which ten pages they will read on each of 20 days during the month. They will recognize progress by marking off each segment of reading as they complete it.
• If the goal is memorizing 30 geometry theorems (or names of rivers, mountain ranges, causes of war, or formulas for math or physics), they can create a bar graph, like a thermometer. In this visual model, they then break down the task into segments. In the example of 30 items to memorize, they can have segments of five. They fill in sections of the bar every time they add five successful memorizations on the way to 30. As they reach each progressive mark (and color in the achieved segments), they give their brains the positive pleasure reward response to their evidence of progress.
• Encourage them to write sub-goals they will need to achieve on the way and to periodically assess and modify their plans or actions accordingly.
• Converse with them about how they can obtain help when blocked: e.g., using resources like classmates, a teacher, or a librarian.
• Self-corrected practice tests are opportunities for teens to judge their level of understanding and revise or reinforce their knowledge as needed.
• Effort-to-progress graphs: A variety of effort-to-progress graphs can be downloaded from the Internet. When these are filled in by your teens, and they record evidence of their incremental goal progress, they see the impact of their effort on their progress.

The opportunities you provide to guide teens to build their motivation, effort, and perseverance can help build their capacity as independent learners. Enhancing their interest, curiosity, positive expectations, and awareness of goal-achieving progress will help sustain their motivated effort during the school years and future ongoing opportunities awaiting them.

Unlock Teen Brainpower : 20 Keys to Boosting Attention, Memory, and Efficiency. Judy Willis, M.D. November 2019. Rowman & Littlefield Publishing: Lanham, MD. 2019

Judy Willis , M.D., is a board-certified neurologist and middle school teacher, specializing in classroom strategies derived from brain research.

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Daniel Wong

How to Motivate Your Teenager to Do Better in School: 10 Tips Guaranteed to Work

Updated on March 2, 2023 By Daniel Wong 32 Comments

Do you have trouble motivating your children to study?

It’s a common problem that I see in my coaching work with pre-teens and teens .

I notice that many parents approach this problem in the wrong way.

In this article, I’m going to explain 10 principles for motivating children to do well in school.

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How NOT to motivate your teenager to do better in school

The first five items on the list below might be things you’ve done in the past, but there’s no reason to get down on yourself about them.

They’re simply common parenting habits that are born from good intentions, but ultimately are not effective motivational tools.

You can start today to become a better listener, less controlling, and more accepting. Let’s take a look at what to avoid going forward.

1. Don’t annoy your children

One of the keys to motivating your children to work hard is not to annoy them.

This may seem odd at first, as we’re used to parents getting annoyed with children, not vice versa.

If your children are continually upset with you over things you say or do, they will find it hard to listen to you.

You may have some great wisdom to offer them, but your children won’t be receptive to your advice.

Parents often engage in power struggles with their children. For some of us, these are habits we learned from our own childhoods.

But power struggles with your children consume a lot of energy. And that’s energy that could be spent on something more constructive.

Another habit to avoid is making comments that suggest your child isn’t good enough.

This may be something you’re not aware that you do.

It may be very subtle. For example, take the statement: “You’re improving, but I know you can do better.”

On the surface, it sounds like encouragement. But you’re actually telling your child that he or she isn’t good enough.

Or take a statement that begins: “When I was your age…” These kinds of statements usually involve a comparison that leaves your children feeling bad. So avoid making these types of comments.

Another trap that parents fall into is comparing their children with someone else’s. Parents often hope that these comparisons will inspire their children to do better.

Unfortunately, these comments have the opposite effect.

“I hear that John got A’s in all his subjects the last term” may seem like an innocent remark. But it’s a comparison that leaves your child feeling worse about himself or herself.

This is not the way to motivate your children.

Sometimes, parents try to motivate their children by giving them lectures. But lectures tend to make children feel powerless and resentful.

Instead of lecturing your children, discuss the issue with them and ask them what they think. This is much more effective than lecturing them.

Because it gets them involved, and makes them part of the solution.

2. Don’t use rewards, punishments, or threats

Research has shown this approach doesn’t work in the long term.

There are three reasons in particular that rewards and punishments are to be avoided.

Firstly, rewards and punishments are bad for your relationship with your children.

They teach your children that they’re loved for what they do and not for who they are. Children who grow up unsure that they’re loved for who they are tend to make poor life choices later on.

Secondly, rewards and punishments may get short-term results, but they ignore the underlying issue: Why is your child not motivated?

It’s much better to address the root cause than to use a band-aid approach of rewards and punishments.

Thirdly, rewards and punishments put your children’s focus entirely on outcomes. Your children’s level of motivation is based on the promise of the reward or the threat of the punishment.

Rewards, punishments and threats don’t teach your children how to develop intrinsic motivation. They don’t cultivate in your children a love of learning.

As mentioned earlier in this article, it’s better to focus on the process and not the outcome. This way, your children will develop self-discipline and a sense of responsibility.

So what should you do instead of using rewards and punishments?

Discuss with your children the joy (and benefits) of learning and studying.

Explain to them that most rewarding careers require an investment of time and effort.

But it’s also important to explain to your children that the process itself is rewarding, even though it will involve sacrifices.

Discuss with your children what their hopes and aspirations are.

Help them to dream big and dare to fail – and model for them how you’re doing the same in your own life.

This approach produces the kind of intrinsic motivation and self-discipline that will last a lifetime.

3. Don’t try to control all of their actions

Being motivated comes from knowing that you can shape your future through the actions you take today.

But if children feel as if their parents are in complete (or almost complete) control, they will have little motivation.

Some parents hover over their children. They micromanage every last detail of their children’s lives.

The result is that the children never develop a sense that they’re responsible for their education and their lives.

By empowering your children, they’ll develop a sense of autonomy and responsibility.

Talk to your children regularly about expectations and consequences.

As a parent, I’m sure you have expectations of your children. For example, you may expect them to keep their room tidy – and there may be consequences for not doing that.

Learning to be responsible in one area (keeping their room tidy) encourages them to be responsible in other areas of life, such as studying.

With this approach, you still need to be involved in your children’s lives. The difference is that instead of hovering and micromanaging, you create boundaries around your involvement.

For example, you can make it clear to your children that you’re available to answer homework-related questions every weeknight between 8 pm and 9 pm.

This way, your children will develop the ability to motivate themselves. They’ll know that they alone are responsible for making sure their homework gets done.

In contrast, consider children whose parents nag them every day to do their homework. Those children won’t develop the ability to motivate themselves.

4. Don’t obsess over the results; emphasise the process instead

The writer Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “Life is a journey, not a destination.”

This principle applies to study skills and tips as much as it does to life in general.

When motivating your children to do well in school, focus on the process and not the results.

If your children are too focused on results, there’s a danger that when they don’t achieve the results they want, they’ll give up.

What’s more, when we focus only on results, the process becomes a “necessary evil”.

The process becomes something we go through grudgingly because we want a certain result.

But this approach doesn’t encourage a love of learning.

And that’s why it’s important to focus on the process, not the results.

Cultivate in your children a love of learning for its own sake, not just as a means to achieve a goal. At the end of the day, achieving goals is a by-product of the systems and processes that we follow.

For example, as a concert pianist, you may have a goal to play Mozart’s Piano Concerto No. 15 in B-flat major without making a single mistake.

The system or process that makes it possible to reach that goal is how often you practise, how you break down and learn difficult cadenzas, and how you incorporate feedback from your music teacher.

When teaching children how to study and how to motivate themselves, it’s vital that you focus on the process and not the outcome.

5. Don’t reduce your child to a problem that needs to be solved

Pre-teens and teens are going through a lot of changes , both physically and mentally.

It’s also a time when they may start displaying problematic behaviours, such as aggression, mood swings, being argumentative , and defying established rules.

As a parent, it’s natural for these kinds of behaviours to become the centre of your attention – they’re problems that you want to solve.

But it’s actually better not to focus on these behaviours.

Instead, try to understand your children’s perspective:

• How do they feel about the situation?
• What opinions do they have?

To understand your children better, you’ll need to practise active listening.

Active listening occurs when we give our full attention to what someone is saying.

This means that you aren’t multitasking while your children are talking to you. It means that you aren’t checking your phone or writing a list of things to do.

You can show your children that you’re giving them your full attention by saying things like “go on” and “tell me more”.

Now and again, summarise your understanding of what your children have been saying.

For example, you could say: “It sounds as if there’s a ‘cool’ group of kids in your class, and that you’re feeling excluded by them.”

This indicates to your child that you’re actively listening. It’s also a way of checking that you understand what he or she is saying.

Some parents think that if only they could make their children understand some fundamental principle, the whole problem would disappear.

But often what pre-teens and teens need most is not to understand ; they need to feel understood .

When they don’t feel understood, they become defiant .

On the other hand, when they feel understood, it creates a space where they feel safe. And that, in turn, creates an environment where they’re open to looking at the problem in a new light.

How to motivate your teenager to do better in school

Now it’s time to focus on positive behaviour that helps your child feel understood, supported, and encouraged.

Use these strategies to strengthen your connection with your child and teach him or her crucial organisational and planning skills. These healthy habits will help your child in school and beyond.

6. Develop routines and structure

Having established routines in family life eliminates a majority of conflicts.

Take homework, for example.

Let’s say you have an established routine that your children do their homework every weeknight between 7 pm and 9 pm.

There won’t be conflicts related to homework, because it’s simply “the way we do things in this family”.

But in a family without routines, ensuring that your children do their homework becomes a daily battle.

Of course, even established routines sometimes need to be reinforced or modified.

For example, now and again you may need to say something like: “When you’ve completed your homework, you can go to Melissa’s house.”

To create a homework routine, it’s a good idea to set up a small part of the house as a study area.

Having a study area that’s free of distractions will help your children develop a homework routine.

It may also help your children if you also devote that period of time to doing your own “homework”. This could be paying bills online, taking an online course, or reading a book to learn about a new topic.

7. Equip your children with planning and organisational skills

As parents, we (hopefully) have planning and organisational skills that we’ve developed over the years.

But we often take these skills for granted, and forget that our children don’t yet have those skills.

Pre-teens and teens can feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and stressed because of the demands they face at school. In response, many of them give up and turn to videos and games as a form of escape.

Some pre-teens and teens might even say they hate school .

But if they have planning and organisational skills, their attitude toward school and academics will be different.

One organisational skill you can teach your children is to break down big tasks into smaller tasks.

Some people call this “chunking down”. This technique makes any task more manageable and doable.

Another skill you can teach your children is list-making. Lists are at the heart of all organisational skills, so this is a great place to start.

You could teach your children how to use a list to pack their bag for a school camp or a school outing.

Planning is another organisational skill that will reduce your children’s stress related to school and exams .

Planning involves placing lists of tasks to be completed within a certain timeframe. This way, your children will learn to complete tasks one by one instead of leaving them until it’s so late that they feel overwhelmed.

For example, if your children have exams coming up, you could teach them how to:

• Break down their revision material into a series of tasks
• Use a calendar to plan how they’re going to complete those tasks within a set timeframe

8. Create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes

Thomas Edison made an extraordinary number of unsuccessful attempts at inventing the electric light bulb.

When a reporter asked him how it felt to fail 1,000 times, Edison replied: “I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps.”

Unfortunately, we live in an age that places enormous emphasis on instant success.

Failure isn’t tolerated. Parents correct their children’s homework to improve their grades . They argue with teachers who try to point out areas where their children need to improve.

Yet making mistakes is an essential part of learning.

We must learn from our mistakes and correct them, much like a ship that frequently adjusts its course to stay on the correct bearing.

If you want to motivate your children to study hard and do well in school, one of the best things you can do is create a family culture where it’s OK to make mistakes.

One way to do this is to share with your children your own mistakes and what you learned from them.

For example, maybe you went to university to study one field and ended up switching to a different field when you started work. By sharing that experience with your children, you’re showing them that they don’t have to get it “right” the first time.

If you want to teach your children to love learning, one thing you should avoid at all costs is focusing too much on their failures.

Instead of criticising them for their failures, help them to identify what they’ve learned from their mistakes.

A study by Stanford University has shown that children who are praised for their effort work harder and give up less easily.

On the other hand, children who are afraid of failure are more likely to become discouraged when they make mistakes. Instead of learning from their mistakes and moving on, they’re likely to give up altogether.

9. Show an interest in all aspects of your children’s lives

If your only concern is how your children are doing in school, they may begin to feel as if they’re being treated as a project instead of as a person.

This can lead to them feeling resentful. And resentment will result in resistance to anything related to studying.

Treat your child as a whole person, not as a project or problem.

Listen to your children when they talk about their interests. Encourage them to get involved in non-school activities, like dance or drama or athletics.

How pre-teens and teens spend their time is crucial to their overall development.

An approach that focuses entirely on studying won’t help your children to develop in a balanced way.

Learning a musical instrument, playing a team sport, and taking an online course on entrepreneurship are all activities that will help your children to develop holistically.

These non-academic activities will give your children a much-needed break from their studies, and will help them to do better as they pursue their long-term academic goals .

10. Help your children to find a mentor

According to research by North Carolina State University , children who have mentors are more likely to become successful.

A mentor is an adult who acts as a role model for your children.

One of the benefits of your children having a mentor is that they will understand a perspective on life from someone who isn’t their parent.

The mentor’s values and attitudes may be similar to yours. It’s much easier to teach values to your children when they’re also modelled by someone outside the family.

One reason for this is that children inevitably become accustomed to their parents’ viewpoints and begin to tune their parents out.

A mentor can be particularly helpful when there’s an ongoing conflict between parents and children.

In this kind of situation, your children can benefit from having a neutral third party they can turn to. The mentor may help your children to see the issues from a new perspective.

So where can you find a mentor for your children?

A mentor could be:

• A sports coach, art teacher or music teacher
• A neighbour or family friend
• One of your co-workers
• Someone who runs a coaching/mentoring programme (I’m not ashamed to say that I fall into this category of people, because it’s extremely rewarding work)

These ten principles will help you to build in your child a deeper motivation to work hard.

Some of these principles, like establishing routines and structure, may take a while to implement. But other tips and principles you can put into practice right away.

For example, you can start practising active listening today.

I’m confident you’ll start seeing positive results.

(Here’s a link where you can explore more tips on how to motivate a teenager .)

Wishing you all the best on this challenging but meaningful journey!

Like this article? Please share it with your friends.

May 14, 2019 at 7:49 am

Very good article indeed.

May 14, 2019 at 8:04 am

I’m glad you like it!

May 15, 2019 at 11:13 am

Great article! I think you are doing a wonderful job with the kids and their parents. Keep up the good work!

May 15, 2019 at 11:14 am

May 15, 2019 at 1:16 pm

I needed this. Great article!

May 15, 2019 at 1:41 pm

Hope it helps!

May 18, 2019 at 12:33 pm

Hi Daniel, your article comes at the right time and reminded me to look at the process and not result when my girl did not do well in her studies. Thanks

May 18, 2019 at 1:23 pm

You’re welcome, Joanne.

May 26, 2019 at 12:38 pm

Great articles. Had shared it with my daughter-in-law as she is having problems with her son.

June 29, 2019 at 10:39 am

Hi Daniel,the article is really good.wish I had read this article when my child was in her teens.

October 6, 2019 at 6:58 pm

My daughter age 7 yrs has lack of interest in studying and in school..she is far behind from other her classmates..I am worried about her development ..

October 25, 2019 at 1:01 pm

Thanks for sharing this good article.

November 8, 2019 at 3:28 pm

What if we do all these things to a T and the child still doesn’t want to study or doesn’t seem to care about grades at all?

November 9, 2019 at 8:27 am

Then I would recommend that you check out this guide that I’ve written ( https://www.daniel-wong.com/resolving-conflicts-guide/ ), because I’m confident that it will help.

November 26, 2019 at 12:01 am

Thanks. Very useful tips.

December 4, 2019 at 1:42 am

I really needed advice!

January 22, 2020 at 3:01 pm

Amazing article. Loved it

January 22, 2020 at 7:55 pm

Parents can motivate their children to perform better academically with these tips.

To add, parents should always remind their children of the fruit of hardwork. This will push them to aim higher.

Daniel, thank you for sharing this great piece

February 26, 2020 at 7:53 am

Thank you so much I’ve recently started work as a guidance counsellor in a college . and have quickly realised that counselling tools alone don’t cut it . I am looking at ways to adjust my work and came across your article . I am very appreciative that you have shared your tools and insights . and can add them in my own toolbelt . Thank you for helping me to help others . Blessings

June 18, 2020 at 6:36 pm

Powerful elements. Thank you very much.

July 30, 2020 at 3:16 pm

Parents can really use these tips to motivate their child. Great principles, thanks for sharing!

August 6, 2020 at 11:36 pm

Great artical very helpful for parents.thanks

August 9, 2020 at 6:32 pm

Thanks Daniel im going to use this in my orientation to the parents in our school… I will acknowledge you in my talk… God bless!

August 21, 2020 at 6:57 am

Good i can see things change

October 24, 2020 at 12:22 pm

Having raised 2 valedictorians both having graduated with over 600 students, these suggestions are a little weak. Better suggestions include:

1. As soon as they are old enough to understand, encourage your kids to assume ownership of their education as the result is information power & increased future opportunities. 2. Instruct the kids to expect social pressure from classmates to not excel thereby making classmates to look less capable i.e. don’t slow down. 3. The objective is subject mastery; not grades. Mastery facilitates future learning. 4. If you don’t understand something, keep asking for help from different sources until you understand the subject. 5. Ignore teachers who deemphasize rote memorization. That is terrible advice. 6. Learn to teach yourself as that will be your situation sooner or later. 7. Instruct the kids, if people think you are smart, don’t disagree because they will never understand the work you did to master a subject. Keep your mouth shut & don’t announce you test grades or class rank. 8. Ignore people who tell you a subject if difficult to master.

T. Edison once said genius is 1% inspiration & 99% perspiration. Hard work is often mistaken for being smart.

November 25, 2020 at 7:42 pm

So, everything I have done has been wrong.

January 16, 2021 at 4:22 pm

Great article, very helpful for parents. I read it at the correct time. Thank you.

June 25, 2021 at 6:16 pm

Great article I hope to apply some of the theories. I am already applying some on the article. There are more for me to learn and apply.

Many thanks

April 24, 2022 at 11:15 pm

Hellow Daniel Is this article similar to your 16-keys book?

April 25, 2022 at 9:52 am

Hi Nasima, there is some overlap but the details and content are significantly different.

March 17, 2023 at 4:05 pm

Delightfully nice, realistic and practical. Tnx…

May 10, 2024 at 4:21 pm

Great, very amazing Useful Content . Thanks for sharring.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

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How to Help Your Kids Succeed in School

Verywell / Zackary Angeline

Set Positive Expectations

Establish a homework routine, reach out to their teachers, foster healthy sleep habits, helping vs. hindering, trust your student, let them make mistakes.

• Foster Independence

Focus on Solutions

Many parents wonder what they can do to help their kids succeed in school. Knowing how much support to offer can be a delicate balance—and depends on your child's age. Too much help can easily result in you taking over or doing it for them and too little can leave them struggling, frustrated, or overwhelmed.

Learn more about the best ways to support your child's academic endeavors, including when to offer help and how much to give, when to communicate with teachers, and how to foster your child's self-advocacy, time management , and organizational skills.

It helps for parents and their children to set some good expectations, routines, and school year goals, suggests Maleka Allen, a Portland, Oregon school counselor with over 18 years of experience working with children of all ages in grades K-12. She recommends both parties think about what outcomes the student wants to work towards, whether that is reading chapter books, finishing homework on time, speaking up more in class, getting all As, or getting passing grades. 

Keep in mind that parent and student expectations and goals may be different, says Allen. That's OK. Aim to find common ground and age-appropriate, student-specific goals so that your child feels listened to, motivated, and realistic about their school-related goals . "Have routine check-ins to make sure that everyone is on the same page," advises Allen.

Also, note that smartness and A's don't always go together . Focusing too much on grades or performance can be very stressful—and impede your child's learning and your family dynamic, says Allen. Instead, honor your child where they are. "Really seeing the gifts that your child brings can be transformative," says Allen. "They'll truly get an opportunity to be who they are—and you'll have a better relationship."

It also helps to have a good routine of how, where, and when to do schoolwork. "Setting up a time and a good workspace is also very important," says Allen. She adds that homework done in a dedicated, distraction-free area (ideally out of the bed and bedroom) can foster improved homework completion as well as better sleep for kids.

Note that despite much hype about the presumed positive link between messy, chaotic workspaces and creativity, researchers have failed to find a significant difference in creative output between those with a messy or clean workspace.

Homework quantity and quality will vary quite a bit from student to student depending on their grade, learning style, and the school they go to. Generally, younger kids may have no homework or under an hour of homework nightly, with more added with each passing year.

Research is mixed on the efficacy of homework. However, excessive amounts are often found to detract from student sleep, family time, extracurricular activities, and social lives—and aren't always shown to improve achievement.

Be sure your child is set up with all the homework supplies they need; ask their school if you need help accessing materials. Teach them to use a planner to track assignments, keep them organized, and manage their time wisely. Practice writing down assignments and checking off items when completed to reinforce these skills.

If you have concerns about the amount of homework your child is assigned or how long the homework is taking for them to complete, check with their teacher. If you think it's too much, let their teacher know. Also, communicate concerns about learning differences or social-emotional issues that may also be impacting school success. In fact, effective parent-teacher communication has been shown to be instrumental in elevating student achievement.

In most cases, teachers and staff encourage parent communication at all grade levels, says Allen. For older children, many teachers will prompt the student to reach out first, but even for high schoolers, parents can contact the school with any questions or concerns. "Teachers and staff want to create relationships early with families so that when there are challenges, they know how to help," explains Allen.

Plus, some kids aren't as forthcoming with teachers as others, so it can help when parents step in to share pertinent information, such as any difficulties at home, illness, issues with peers, or specific homework problems. 

For kids to succeed in school, they need to be well-rested (as well as well-fed). Studies show that students who get adequate amounts of nightly sleep do better in school. Interestingly, both those who get too little and too much sleep tend to underperform academically.

How Much Sleep Do They Need?

The American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends the following sleep hours for school-aged children:

• 3 to 5 year-olds : 10 to 13 hours (including naps)
• 6 to 12 year-olds : 9 to 12 hours
• 13 to 18 year-olds : 8 to 10 hours

Additionally, the AAP recommends avoiding screen time (including for homework) for a minimum of 30 minutes before bedtime in order to promote healthy sleep . Other positive sleep habits include using a consistent bedtime routine , sleeping in a cool, comfortable, quiet, dark room, and limiting non-sleep activities in the bedroom.

With younger kids, parents may need to offer more direct assistance with homework, including reviewing instructions or working through assignments side-by-side with their child. Additionally, research shows that one of the most impactful things you can do for your child's education is read to them and encourage them to read independently—and this holds true for babies all the way up to high schoolers.

As students advance in school, they typically become more able to do their schoolwork independently. However, they still may need some guidance on getting started and making a plan, as well as supervision to keep them on task, says Allen.

At any grade level, if more help is needed than you think should be required, you don't understand their homework, or your help is not resolving the issue, then it's time to contact their teacher for added support. You can also ask your child for their ideas. "Hold that space by asking what is your unmet need," says Allen. Aim to listen to your child with curiosity and without judgment.

Research on the impact of parental involvement with their child's schoolwork often has contradictory or muddled results. Some studies show that more parent engagement equals greater student success, while other evidence points to adverse outcomes, particularly when the supervision is perceived as controlling, strict, or overbearing.

According to researchers in a 2017 study on the link between academic achievement and parental involvement, the key may be how the parents help: "Whereas perceived parent-child conflicts about homework were negatively associated with educational outcomes, perceived parental competence and support for students’ self-direction were positively related to achievement," the study says.

So, how can a parent find the right balance between being engaged and helpful and not being overbearing or controlling? "This is a great question," says Allen. "I am not sure that there is a good answer except that communicating with your student about what their goals are, how they need support, and then letting go of the outcome is important."

Often, says Allen, parents are afraid of letting kids make mistakes. This fear can lead parents to micromanage or take over the homework to such an extent that their child is not learning, says Allen. Additionally, aim to limit the pressure you put on your child. Excessive academic stress can backfire causing burnout, frustration, lower self-esteem, lower academic achievement, or even mental health issues like depression and anxiety.

"When I think of the biggest learning curves I have had, it is when I have made mistakes," says Allen. Parents are afraid of letting students learn from natural consequences and but that is often when kids learn the most, she says. Instead of being fear-based, aim to let your child learn from whatever situation they are in.

Knowing when to step back is key. "If you are working harder than your student, you need to let go. Your child is saying that they are not ready for all the work," says Allen. In these cases, although a parent can still have high expectations. it's important for parents to listen to the messages their child is sending.

Focus on communication and uncovering what need your child has that they could use help with, whether that is reaching out to their teacher, getting organized, learning to break down a project into smaller chunks, avoiding procrastination, removing distractions, or simply taking a break.

Maleka Allen

If they are sharing that a class is stressful or something else is happening, it is important to listen and see how to work through that. This is the lesson, and that is when the student learns.

Foster Independence and Self-Advocacy

Communicating with your child regarding work expectations is key, but it's equally important to then hold them accountable, says Allen. Encourage them to ask their teacher for help or to brainstorm solutions to any school-related issues. Be their sounding board rather than telling them what to do. However, focus more on good habits like time management, organization, and self-advocacy as well as learning rather than simply grades.

"Parents worry about the grades but most 'superstars' (kids who have balanced their work and other commitments such as sports , work, volunteering, etc.) do not worry as much about the grades and really have good habits that lead them to good grades," says Allen. Additionally, successful, well-balanced students tend to communicate what they are capable of doing and ask for support for schoolwork that they are not able to do, Allen explains.

Instead of fixating on what your child has done wrong (such as forgotten their books at school or missed a deadline), aim to help them come up with a path forward. "I can't stress enough about communication that is solution-focused," advises Allen. "Ask questions of what is needed and what are the unmet needs." It's also vital to know that every challenge is not meant to be "fixed," she says. "It could be that time is also needed for the student to mature."  

Take the time to discover what obstacles your child may have and which solutions work best for them. Most importantly, don't expect your student to be like all the rest of their classmates or achieve to a standard that doesn't match their unique talents. Instead, recommends Allen, focus on fostering their love of learning and the skills that will help them reach their goals .

Suárez N, Regueiro B, Estévez I, del Mar Ferradás M, Guisande MA, Rodríguez S. Individual precursors of student homework behavioral engagement: the role of intrinsic motivation, perceived homework utility and homework attitude .  Front Psychol . 2019;10:941. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00941

Fadzil A. Factors affecting the quality of sleep in children .  Children (Basel) . 2021;8(2):122. doi:10.3390/children8020122

Manzi A, Durmysheva Y, Pinegar SK, Rogers A, Ramos J. Workspace disorder does not influence creativity and executive functions .  Front Psychol . 2019;9:2662. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2018.02662

Fernández-Alonso R, Álvarez-Díaz M, Suárez-Álvarez J, Muñiz J. Students' achievement and homework assignment strategies .  Front Psychol . 2017;8:286. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00286

Yusuff KB. Does personalized goal setting and study planning improve academic performance and perception of learning experience in a developing setting?   J Taibah Univ Med Sci . 2018;13(3):232-237. doi:10.1016/j.jtumed.2018.02.001

Buchanan R, Clark M. Understanding parent-school Communication for students with emotional and behavioral disorders .  Open Fam Stud J . 2017;9(Suppl 1 M5):122-131. doi:10.2174/1874922401709010122

Zeek ML, Savoie MJ, Song M, et al. Sleep duration and academic performance among student pharmacists .  Am J Pharm Educ . 2015;79(5):63. doi:10.5688/ajpe79563

American Association of Pediatrics. AAP supports childhood sleep guidelines .

Xia T, Gu H, Li W. Effect of parents' encouragement on reading motivation: the mediating effect of reading self-concept and the moderating effect of gender .  Front Psychol . 2019;10:609. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00609

Núñez JC, Epstein JL, Suárez N, Rosário P, Vallejo G, Valle A. How do student prior achievement and homework behaviors relate to perceived parental involvement in homework?   Front Psychol . 2017;8:1217. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01217

Nguyen DT, Wright EP, Dedding C, Pham TT, Bunders J. Low self-esteem and its association with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation in Vietnamese secondary school students: a cross-sectional study .  Front Psychiatry . 2019;10:698. doi:10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00698

Angell AM, Carroll TC, Bagatell N, et al. Understanding self-determination as a crucial component in promoting the distinct value of occupational therapy in post-secondary transition planning .  J Occup Ther Sch Early Interv . 2019;12(1):129-143. doi:10.1080/19411243.2018.1496870

By Sarah Vanbuskirk Sarah Vanbuskirk is a writer and editor with 20 years of experience covering parenting, health, wellness, lifestyle, and family-related topics. Her work has been published in numerous magazines, newspapers, and websites, including Activity Connection, Glamour, PDX Parent, Self, TripSavvy, Marie Claire, and TimeOut NY.

• EXPLORE Random Article

How to Get Your Kids to Do Their Homework

Last Updated: May 10, 2023 References

This article was co-authored by Klare Heston, LCSW and by wikiHow staff writer, Sophia Latorre . Klare Heston is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker based in Cleveland, Ohio. With experience in academic counseling and clinical supervision, Klare received her Master of Social Work from the Virginia Commonwealth University in 1983. She also holds a 2-Year Post-Graduate Certificate from the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland, as well as certification in Family Therapy, Supervision, Mediation, and Trauma Recovery and Treatment (EMDR). This article has been viewed 465,732 times.

Parents around the world would love the magic formula to encourage kids to do their homework. Alas, it's not as simple as waving a wand, but there are some methods for encouraging your kids to develop and stick to a regular homework routine. For some parents, effective encouragement will also be about changing your own approach to homework enforcement. Don't worry, it's not hard, it's just about taking a moment to work it through. Create a homework space and schedule, establish clear expectations, rewards, and consequences, and approach homework positively.

Creating a Homework Space and Schedule

• For example, if your kids do their homework at the dinner table, unpack the box to give them access to their supplies when it’s time to do homework. Pack up the box and move it off the table when they’re finished.

• Allow your kids to have a say in creating the schedule. If they feel like their opinions have been heard and considered, they’re more likely to stick to the plan.
• Agree on homework-free times, such as Friday nights or one weekend day, and allow them to plan how they use this free time.

Establishing Expectations, Rewards, and Consequences

• Occasional rewards for a special project done really well can be a great boost but regular material rewards are best avoided.
• When your child does their homework, tell them that you are really proud of them for being organized, timely, proactive, etc. It is important to define the exact reason why you are proud so that they know what to keep up.

• Keep your message simple, reminding your kids what you have agreed upon together when discussing how they'd approach homework and expressing both disappointment and a hope to see things return to normal the next day.

• For example, if your child forgets their homework or books at school, don’t spend hours tracking down a maintenance worker to let you into the building so you can retrieve their forgotten items. If they can find a way to get them, great, and if not, they’ll have to suffer the consequences.

• Naturally, if you have a child with learning or other disabilities, you may need to adjust this hands-off approach. Don't be afraid to seek support from professional people skilled in your child's particular disability; they may be able to provide you with additional strategies.

Approaching Homework Positively

• You should still keep a positive attitude toward homework. Don’t agree with your kid when they say, “Homework sucks. I wish I didn’t have to do it.” Instead, reply with something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but once you finish your homework you can invite a friend over.”

• For example, if your child wants to be a marine biologist, tell them that they’ll need good grades in school to get into a college where they can earn a degree in biology, zoology, or ecology.
• For example, tell your would-be actor that they won’t be able to memorize their lines if they’re not a stellar reader. Encourage them to read and memorize parts of their textbook for practice.

Altering Your Own Involvement

Expert Q&A

• When the teacher asks that you have a part in your child's homework, do it! Working with your child's teacher will show your child that authority figures at school and home or on the same team. Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
• Encourage professional presentation and neatness. If they're producing messy homework, try to catch them in the process and encourage a neater effort. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0
• Keep up to date with your child's school life. Talk with their teacher regularly to ensure you know the purpose of your child's assignments and understand the rules in class. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ http://sparksofgenius.wordpress.com/2007/05/14/train-your-kids-to-do-homework-without-arguing/
• ↑ https://fosteringperspectives.org/fp_vol1no1/articles_vol1no1/ignoring_effective_way.htm
• ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-homework-battle-how-to-get-children-to-do-homework/
• ↑ https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/08/100819173846.htm
• ↑ http://www2.ed.gov/parents/academic/involve/homework/part_pg2.html#2

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What to Do With a Child Who Refuses to Do School Work: Expert Strategies

If your child refuses school work, establish clear expectations and consequences. Encourage open communication and create a supportive learning environment at home.

Consistently reinforce the value of education and the importance of taking responsibility for their learning. It’s important to address any underlying issues that may be affecting their motivation, such as anxiety or learning difficulties. Seeking professional guidance from a teacher or counselor can provide insights and strategies to assist the child in overcoming their resistance to school work.

By working closely with your child and the school, you can help them develop a positive attitude toward learning and achieve academic success.

Understanding The Root Cause

Understanding the Root Cause of a child’s refusal to do school work is crucial in addressing the issue effectively. By identifying behavioral patterns and exploring potential underlying issues, parents and educators can gain insight into the reasons behind the child’s resistance and tailor their approach to better support the child’s academic success.

Identifying Behavioral Patterns

When dealing with a child who refuses to do schoolwork, it’s essential to observe and identify any repetitive behavioral patterns. Look for consistent behaviors such as procrastination, avoidance, or outbursts when faced with school-related tasks. Note the times and settings in which these behaviors occur, as this can provide valuable clues.

Exploring Potential Underlying Issues

Beyond observable behaviors, it’s important to delve into potential underlying issues that may be influencing the child’s reluctance to engage in school work. Consider factors such as learning challenges, social or emotional difficulties, perfectionism, lack of interest, or even burnout. Engaging in open and empathetic communication with the child can also shed light on any stressors or concerns they may be experiencing.

Recognizing Learning Challenges And Emotional Barriers

Addressing learning disabilities.

When a child is consistently struggling with schoolwork, it’s important to consider the possibility of an underlying learning disability. Disorders such as dyslexia, dyscalculia, or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can significantly impact a child’s ability to excel academically. It’s crucial to collaborate with education professionals and healthcare providers to conduct thorough assessments and tailor interventions that support the child’s specific needs. Ensuring that the school environment is conducive to accommodating learning differences is vital in empowering children with learning disabilities to thrive academically.

Overcoming Anxiety And Stress

Anxiety and stress can create significant barriers to a child’s academic success. It’s essential to foster a safe and supportive environment where children feel comfortable expressing their emotions. Implementing relaxation techniques, mindfulness exercises, and creating a structured routine can help alleviate feelings of anxiety and stress. Additionally, providing opportunities for open communication and seeking professional help when necessary can assist in addressing and managing emotional barriers that hinder a child’s ability to engage with school work effectively.

Establishing Effective Communication

Encouraging open dialogue and active listening are essential in addressing a child’s reluctance to complete schoolwork. Using positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and seeking to understand the underlying causes of resistance can help establish effective communication and support the child in overcoming their challenges.

When dealing with a child who refuses to do school work, establishing effective communication is crucial for understanding the root of the issue and finding an amicable solution. Fostering a supportive environment and utilizing active listening techniques are essential in creating open lines of communication with your child.

Fostering A Supportive Environment

Creating a supportive environment involves encouraging open conversations and offering a non-judgmental space for your child to express their thoughts and feelings. Building a supportive atmosphere at home can help alleviate any anxiety or stress your child may be experiencing regarding their school work.

Utilizing Active Listening Techniques

Active listening involves giving your child your full attention when they are expressing their concerns or frustrations. This means maintaining eye contact , nodding to show understanding, and asking clarifying questions to ensure you comprehend their perspective. By actively listening, you convey empathy and understanding, which can strengthen the bond of trust between you and your child.

By fostering a supportive environment and utilizing active listening techniques, you can establish effective communication with your child. This can lead to a better understanding of their challenges and help you work together to find solutions to their refusal to do school work.

Implementing Tailored Learning Approaches

Implementing tailored learning approaches is essential when dealing with a child who refuses to do schoolwork. Each child has unique learning preferences and strengths, so a one-size-fits-all approach may not always be effective. By customizing their educational experiences, parents and educators can engage the child in productive learning activities tailored to their individual needs.

Engaging Activities And Hands-on Learning

Engaging activities and hands-on learning can be highly effective in capturing a child’s interest and motivating them to participate in school work. By incorporating interactive and fun activities into the learning process , children can better comprehend and retain information. This can involve science experiments, art projects, educational games, or outdoor activities that make learning a more enjoyable experience.

Personalized Educational Support Systems

Utilizing personalized educational support systems involves identifying the child’s specific learning needs and providing targeted assistance. This may include one-on-one tutoring, educational therapy, or technology-based resources tailored to their learning style. By addressing the child’s individual challenges and strengths, parents and educators can create a supportive environment that fosters academic growth and success.

Seeking Professional Guidance And Support

Seeking professional guidance and support can be crucial when dealing with a child who refuses to do schoolwork. Collaborating with educators and school counselors, as well as consulting child psychologists and therapists, can provide valuable insights and strategies to address the underlying issues causing the child’s resistance to school work.

Collaborating With Educators And School Counselors

When a child displays consistent refusal to engage in school work, it’s essential to collaborate closely with their teachers and school counselors. Open communication and sharing observations can help in understanding the specific challenges the child may be facing. Developing a strategic plan with the educators can ensure a consistent approach between home and school, which can be beneficial in addressing the child’s resistance.

Consulting Child Psychologists And Therapists

If the child’s refusal to do school work persists despite efforts on both home and school fronts, consulting with child psychologists and therapists can provide valuable professional insights. Expert evaluation can help in identifying any underlying learning disabilities, behavioral issues, or emotional challenges that may be impeding the child’s academic progress. With the guidance of professionals , tailored interventions can be implemented to support the child’s academic and emotional well-being.

Frequently Asked Questions For What To Do With A Child Who Refuses To Do School Work

How can i help my child with school refusal.

You can help your child with school refusal by creating a supportive routine and environment. Communicate with the school and seek professional help if necessary. Show understanding and provide positive reinforcement. Encourage open communication and address any underlying issues. Offer small rewards for attending school.

How Do I Get My Defiant Child To Do School Work?

To get your defiant child to do school work, set clear expectations and consequences. Establish a routine and create a conducive learning environment. Offer rewards for completing tasks and provide support as needed. Communicate calmly and consistently and seek professional help if necessary.

How Do You Get A Stubborn Child To Do School Work?

To get a stubborn child to do school work, try breaking tasks into smaller steps, using positive reinforcement, providing a structured routine, and offering incentives. Additionally, creating a designated study area can help minimize distractions and improve focus.

Should I Force My Anxious Child To Attend School?

Forcing an anxious child to attend school can worsen their anxiety. Seek professional help to address their fears and find solutions that support their mental well-being. Encourage open communication and provide a supportive environment to ease their apprehension about school.

Handling a child who refuses to do schoolwork can be challenging, but it’s important to approach the situation with patience, understanding, and open communication. By addressing potential underlying issues, providing structure, and offering positive reinforcement, you can help your child develop a positive attitude toward learning.

Seeking support from educators and professionals can also be beneficial in finding effective solutions.

Emma combines her teaching experience with her writing skills to produce engaging and informative content. She covers a range of topics, from classroom management to innovative teaching techniques.

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Nudge, Don’t Nag: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Child to Do Well

Nine ways to get your child with adhd to the starting line — and to finally cross over the finish line of assignments, goals, and day-to-day tasks..

“She could do it if she only tried” or “He’s just lazy.” How often have you heard people say this about your child, or thought it yourself? Your child seems capable, yet getting him to do assignments or homework is like having to move mountains.

Attention deficit disorder ( ADHD or ADD ) has been called a disorder of motivation . Some experts believe that ADHD affects motivation more than attention.

The reason children and teens with ADHD have difficulty getting started and completing tasks is neurologically based. ADHD usually involves executive function deficits — not being able to organize one’s thoughts or getting started, for example. In addition, those with ADHD have lower dopamine levels than their neurotypical peers. Dopamine allows us to regulate emotional responses and take action to achieve specific rewards. It’s responsible for feelings of pleasure and reward. With ADHD , dopamine is not transmitted efficiently, so a child doesn’t have the motivation to complete tasks.

What can you as a parent do to motivate your child to start assignments, finish homework, and just get stuff done? Here are some simple solutions that have worked for me, as a mom and a teacher:

• Monitor your child’s medication. Medication for ADHD improves neurotransmitter function. Check in with your child’s doctor to be sure the dosage is optimal. Also make sure that the medication is active during times when she needs it for homework and other schoolwork.
• Elevate your child to a decision-maker. We are less motivated when someone else tells us what to do. No one likes to be nagged to start a chore or an assignment. Giving your child a sense of control will encourage him to start and finish a task. Ask your child how long she thinks a task will take, and have her compare the actual time with her prediction. Encourage her to come up with solutions for getting started sooner.

[ Free Webinar Replay: Tips and Tools to Help Your Child Start — and Finish — Homework ]

• Set goals. Research shows that setting goals makes it more likely that they will be achieved. Have your child create a “vision board” at the beginning of the school year. She can cut out pictures from magazines or print photos from websites, and make a collage showing where she wants to go and what she wants to be at the end of that grade or beyond. Ask her to write down one specific observable goal that relates to that vision. The goal should be time-limited—like read 10 pages in a book in one week. Agree on a time for her to report on her progress, so you don’t have to nag her.
• Use “if… then.” There are two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. We all want our children with ADHD to do something because they are interested in doing it, not just to earn a reward. But until they internalize the pleasure of accomplishment, students with ADHD may get more done with external motivation — namely, rewards. Research has shown that giving material rewards works best with short-term activities, not long-term achievements. Instead of rewarding your child for a good report card, reward him for completing assignments due the next day.
• Make it into a game. Have your child choose his favorite tune, and ask him to practice all of his spelling words before the tune is over.
• Connect uninteresting activities to areas of interest. When my son was in third grade, his teacher told me, “He’s just not interested in learning!” I had observed him since birth and knew that the little boy who tamed butterflies was curious and loved to learn. The subject needed to be interesting to him. If your child is interested in baseball, relate math to sports activities, such as calculating a batting average. If he likes cooking, show him how to use fractions to measure ingredients for a favorite recipe.

[ Free Resource: Transform Your Teen’s Apathy Into Engagement ]

• Keep him moving. Allow your child to stand while working. Punctuate school assignments or other quiet tasks with short movement activities, such as yoga poses or “musical chairs.”
• Be realistic. When your child experiences success, he will want to repeat that experience. Determine how much your child can complete in a given time, and ask him to take that on. When my son was a young teen, I had a list of chores for him to complete that never seemed to get done. I nagged him. Finally, I took a close look at what he could realistically get done. We talked things over and he chose one chore he was willing to do — the laundry. Apparently, that held more intrinsic interest to him than taking out the garbage. Once we determined how often the laundry needed to be done, he took charge. I still had to wash the dishes and take out the trash, but he finally experienced a sense of accomplishment from doing his own laundry, and that translated into future success in school.
• Praise effort over ability. Studies show that students do best when they believe that improvement is due to putting in lots of effort rather than to fixed intelligence or innate ability. When a parent praises a child for doing a task, she is underscoring a child’s control over the task.

SHARI GENT, M.S., NCED, works at Mind Matters Educational Therapy and is an educational therapist in private practice in Fremont, California. You can reach Shari here.

[ How to Motivate (Not De-Moralize) a Student with ADHD ]

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5 Simple Steps to Get Your Kids to do Schoolwork (From Home) Without Fighting You Tooth and Nail

Inside: Kids refusing school work? Try these 5 steps to get even the most defiant kid on board with e-learning, homeschool or homework. (hint: it’s all about Empowerment)

Are your kids refusing school work ?

Does it seem like no matter what you try, they battle with you.

CONSTANTLY..

Maybe you only have a week left of school, or maybe you are on the other side of the world and school’s just starting back up again…

Whatever it is, your child is flat out refusing to do school work at home.

If so, you are definitely in the right place!

That’s exactly what I’m going to talk about today. Today I’m going to share how to empower your kids so you CAN get through the schoolwork without massive fights and refusal.

Here’s the thing, I know that with everything going on, getting your kids to do schoolwork at home is a huge battle right now.

I have friends on the other side of the world starting up school and their kids are saying, “No, I do not want to do this!”

I also have friends who are homeschooling and they say, even though I’m used to homeschooling, with everything else going on, getting my kids to do schoolwork right now is absolutely a nightmare.

It is a battleground ALL DAY long.

If you don’t stay right by your child every second of the day, then you can’t get anything done.

You’re spending hours working with your child on a creative writing project that should take about five minutes!

Your kids are saying…

“I don’t want to..” “Do I have to?” “You CAN’T MAKE ME!!” “It’s too hard!”

Perhaps, your child absolutely refuses to do school at home because home is home and school is school .

Even after weeks of being at home, they still are adamant that school is for school and home is for home.

Or perhaps… you can’t get your kid to stay on task for more than five minutes.

They’re constantly moving from thing to thing to thing. Especially with all the distractions that are happening at home.

Or maybe you’re trying to do schoolwork at home, but you spend most of your day managing zoom accounts and log-ins and trying to get your kids to just get something, ANYTHING accomplished!

You know they CAN do it, but they just WON’T do it.

I want you to know:

If things are not going as planned , If things are not going as well as you had hoped…

This DOES NOT mean something bad about your kids or something bad about you.

Instead… I want you to take a big old deep breath and say:

“It is OKAY that school is not going perfect”

E-Learning Is Not for The Faint of Heart…

How many of you guys are feeling like this?

You decided to have a “fire drill” and locked your kids outside!

Because you are just SO DONE!

Or maybe you feel more like Sue.

She’s 31 years old. She’s been schooling at home with her kids (while trying to work from home and deal with her growing to do lists). 

How many of you guys look like dear old Sue here?

Right now we are dealing with unprecedented times.

We’re stuck at home on top of everything else…

• We’re having to listen to the latest news and updates about what is happening in our world.
• Having to figure out home school and manage zoom accounts and virtual school assignments.
• Having to figure out work closures and figure out how to pay the bills
• Having to work from home while making sure your kids don’t kill each other
• Having to navigate the grocery store…

Some of you, or your spouses are now having to go back into work and you have the extra worry of all that.

If e-learning is not going as planned, it’s ok.

Maybe you don’t even want to talk about school, because your kids are almost done – and you cannot wait!!!

You might be thinking,

“Why do I need to worry about school refusal right now? I’m starting to think about summer and how I’m going to deal with them being stuck at home with no camps or activities. “

But I know many of you guys who have kids that are out of the box are going to be dealing with extended school year.

So you’re going to have e-learning over the summer.

If you’re on the other side of the world, many kids are going back to school sooner rather than later.

But here’s what I do know.

We will go back to school eventually, no matter where we are.

And for most of us, when we go back to school, life is not going to be the same.

Our schools are in for a huge, huge change because our kids have gotten used to being home:

• snacks whenever they want,
• as many breaks as they want,
• one on one attention when they struggle, and…
• class sizes of 1-5 kids.

School is going to have to change.

In fact, I predict…

We’re going to be dealing with school refusal for a long time.

So you need to start working on how you can approach this from a different perspective right now.

Why Even “Good Students” Refuse Schoolwork

The truth is, it’s not just kids that don’t like school or kids that typically are easily distracted and rigid that are having a hard time with school right now.

In fact, right now my daughter, who’s about to turn seven on Saturday, is really struggling with school refusal.

And she’s like your picture perfect student.

• She pays attention.
• She raises her hand.
• She participates.
• She loves learning.

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a call from school that there is a struggle with her.

(Now my other kids… well, that’s a different story, but my daughter doesn’t really struggle with school usually.)

But once we came home…

• She didn’t want to do any reading.
• She didn’t want to do any Zoom calls.
• She didn’t want to do anything that we had to do.
• She didn’t want to problem solve.

In fact, all she did was throw fits any time I asked her to do any schoolwork at all.

At first, I was so frustrated. I couldn’t figure out what was going on.

However, once I slowed down and started to do the things that I’m going to teach you today, things started to turn around.

All behavior is communication.

Once I remembered, to look at her behavior as communication and as a sign of overwhelm and an unmet need, things started to turn around drastically.

• She’s showing up on zoom calls.
• She’s meeting her friends.
• She’s talking to her teacher.
• She’s doing her assignments.

She’s actually done with her assignments in about an hour now, where it used to take ALL DAY!

Yes, it would drag out all day… there were goat whines and screaming.

If it is possible for me… it’s possible for you! I want to show you how you can have this success too!

5 Steps to Turn School Refusal into School Advocacy

A couple of things I’ve noticed that I see so many parents trying right now…

E-learning Trap #1: Pretty Pinterest Covid Schedules

I see people trying those pretty Pinterest schedules.

You know the ones that were all over Facebook when lockdown first started and we had to start schooling at home.

How many of you guys tried those?

How well did that work for you?

How many days did that nice pretty adorable schedule work, right?

One? Not at all?

E-learning Trap #2: Ultimatum Wars

Also, I see a lot of people setting very firm boundaries and harsh rules.

You have to do your schoolwork or you’re not going to get and iPad time.

You’re going to have to do this or you don’t get this.

And then it just makes your kids feel like you’re in a constant battle.

You’re just battling back and forth and, and holding ultimatums over their head.

E-learning Trap #3: Bribery & Trickery

And then I see people who are like, you know what, forget the ultimatums… I just need them to do something so I can work.

So they decide to bribe them… pull out all their tricks. But then you’re going broke with all the bribery that’s going on, and you find yourself running out of things….

…What happens when they go back to school and they don’t want to work because they’re no longer being bribed?

What happens when they go back to school and they no longer have an iPad or Fortnite or Animal Crossing over their head?

And you can no longer give them an ultimatum that you have to do schoolwork or you don’t get YouTube or XYZ.

If your kids don’t have that innate ability to self advocate, or the self-awareness to self-regulate when they go back to school, you’re going to deal with this forever.

Honestly, you’re going to deal with this refusal both in school and out of school if we don’t actually slow down and take the time to teach our kids to self advocate in a way that others will listen.

Step One: Swap and Change Your Perspective

Do you wish for your kids to be confident, empowered, strong?

Do you would wish your kids were able to self advocate and stand up for what they believe in?

However, when your kids talk back, when our kids are disrespectful, when our kids refuse what we ask them to do, you see it as disrespect and not them advocating for their needs.

You might say,

“Oh my gosh, this is terrible!” “My kid is such a brat” “My kid is so lazy” “My kid is so rude”

We come up with all these words and feelings about the way we see them refusing or yelling or standing up for themselves.

Are they advocating in a way that makes us want to help them?

No, absolutely not.

They are trying to advocate, but they don’t know how:

• to speak up for what they want and need.
• to explain why they are struggling.
• to tell me what they’re struggling with.

But that’s why we’re their guide.

We need to help them to shift into advocating in a way that we want to listen? In a way that makes us want to help them?

So step one is to see refusal as an unmet need.

Then we can see refusal as advocacy, empowerment as confidence, and strong as standing up for what they believe in.

This is a powerful mindset shift.

And if you make the shift, it doesn’t matter what they’re refusing.

It doesn’t matter if they’re refusing bath time.

It doesn’t matter if they’re refusing schoolwork,

it doesn’t matter if they are refusing to eat their green peas.

If you can see refusal as advocacy – That is really powerful!

Can you start seeing refusal as:

• empowerment,
• confidence,
• being strong and
• standing up for what they believe in?

If you can see that, it is going to make a powerful impact on your relationship with your kids.

Step Two: Ask Why

In order to empower our kids to self-advocate instead of flat-out refusing schoolwork, it is important to help our kids become self aware.

To do that we have to problem solve.

We have to look at what is happening and we have to ask questions.

We have to become a detective.

We need to do this alongside our kids, because our kids often don’t have the ability to actually know why things are bothering them.

For this one you want to ask yourself:

Why are they refusing? Why are they having a hard time? Why are they whining? Why are they not wanting to do this?

When you ask why, it’s really hard to get triggered.

When you stay in the question, it’s almost impossible for you to also be triggered.

This is so powerful in your ability to remain calm and show up for your child to help instead of getting upset yourself.

Not only are you switching from refusal to empowerment, you are helping them dig under the surface and helping them become self aware.

Questions that Foster Self-Awareness and Problem Solving:

• Do I need food?
• Do I need water?
• Do I need a break?
• Is it overwhelming?
• Do I need help?
• Do I need to chunk it down?
• Do I need a sensory movement?
• Do I need to eat something?
• Do I need connection time?
• Do I feel bad about myself?

You can help your kids become self aware of the things they like, things they don’t like, the things that frustrate them, and the things they need to be able to be successful.

Instead of screaming “NO!”,  try…  “This is really hard for me because…”

And you can do this at any age!

With my daughter who is “seven” years old, this is exactly what I started doing.

I started realizing that she was stuck when it came to Zoom calls or any live component.

So I started honing in on that and becoming a detective.

Step Three: Plan

This is super important!

Write this down.

Always involve your children in a plan.

The reason those Pinterest plans didn’t work is because someone created a cute plan and millions of people downloaded it and tried it, but it wasn’t unique to their specific child and their child had no say in the plan.

They went from doing things one way at school to suddenly doing things totally different at home.

So they put their heels down and they didn’t want to do it!

It is important to create a plan ahead of time.

• What can we do and when?
• What sensory breaks can we put into our day?
• What routines can we set up ahead of time?
• What schedules can we put in place?
• What can we do when we get stuck?
• What can we do when there’s a mistake?
• What can we do when we don’t know an answer?

With my daughter I said, “So I’m noticing that when there’s a live video, you’re really having a hard time.”

She was able to say, “It’s not like school. I don’t want to do it because this is home and I don’t like the way we’re doing it! It reminds me of how much I miss my friends.”

So once I had that information, we could make plans for the pieces that made her miss her friends.

And that made a huge difference!

Step Four: Validate Feelings and Become a Bridge

As hard as it is, when our kids are refusing and throwing things at us or yelling at us, it is important to meet them where they are and validate their feelings.

We don’t want to just tell them, we want to become their guide.

So instead of saying:

“It’s not that hard!” “It’s not that big of a deal!” “It’s okay, you’ll be fine.” “Get over it!”

Instead, we want to validate their feelings and become their bridge.

It is okay to feel frustrated. It is okay to be upset. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to miss your friends. It is okay to be overwhelmed. It is okay to not know the answer.

And let them feel that way.

We have to validate and allow those emotions and those feelings and we become their bridge.

We take them from where they are at, to where we want them to be.

But we have to first meet them where they are at and become their bridge by asking them questions.

With my daughter it sounded a lot like this:

“I hear that you’re really frustrated, I see you’re really sad, I wonder if there’s another way that you can feel like you’re connected to your friends? I wonder if there’s something else we can do instead? I wonder if we can ask your teacher if there’s another activity you can do instead of Zoom calls.”

This allows you to become the guide and help your child shift their thinking from absolutes to possibility.

In fact, you’re helping them craft a plan that they are part of.

Step Five: Chunk it and break it down.

Finally, you want to help your child chunk down their project, assignment or schoolwork into small manageable pieces.

The reason for this is you are helping your kids on their unique journey.

It’s progress, not perfection.

You’re not going to get your kids going from refusing to do school every single day to doing their schoolwork in one hour, right?

Instead, you’re going to take one project at a time, one assignment at a time, and you are going to help craft small moments of success.

I want you to think about what it’s like in your own life, when you have a big project, say cleaning out the garage.

If I told you to clean the garage in one hour, would you feel successful?

If I came to you at the end of the day and asked “How did you do?” You would feel so defeated.

But if instead I said, “Hey, there is a shelf in the garage that has all the Christmas stuff, can you just go through that and decide what you’re going to keep and what you’re going to get rid of.”

Then, when you look at your Christmas stuff at the end of the day, you can see space on that shelf.

You feel accomplished – even if the whole rest of the garage is still a mess.

You would feel much more validated, much more successful.

Then you can build on that success.

It’s the same thing we want to do for our kids.

We want to craft that journey, have them experience those small wins.

Help take a big project and break it down, create those small opportunities for success, and then build on that each day.

More Help to Get Kids to Do What You Ask:

To help you get started, we’ve created some really cool posters about how to get your kids to listen, follow directions and learn from home.

You can download them here

These posters will help you get your kids to Do What You Ask. We share ways to get them to listen, do school work and follow simple directions without complaining, refusing or fighting with you!

There’s also some amazing tips for getting school work done!

So I know your thinking, this is awesome. I can see my kids refusal as empowerment and I can start to involve them in plans.

But what the heck do I do when they won’t follow a plan? Or how the heck do I even make a plan in the first place?

And I hear you saying to involve them, but you’re not sure how to involve them…

• What if they continue to say no?
• What if they continue to refuse?
• What if they just say, “I don’t know.”

We’re going to discuss that in our next blog post about how to get our kids to listen without throwing fits.

But for now, you can get started by and downloading the FREE Get Your Kids to Do What You Ask posters and practicing some of the phrases.

Want more In the Moment Plans for Chaos Causing Behaviors or Struggles?

We got you covered.

In our Meltdown Mastery Workshop , we will walk you through how to create your own individualized personalized in the moment plans to deal with the most common (and uncommon) tantrums, meltdowns, and outburst.

This is what we do all day, every day in our huddle membership, is help people create in the moment plans for their biggest Chaos Causers so they can become problem solving partners with their kids.

In this free workshop , you’ll discover:

✔️ How to stay calm even as your child cries, hits, and screams at the top of their lungs using the Stop, Breathe, Anchor technique ✔️ How to uncover what’s really behind the meltdown, tantrum, or outburst using the Behavior Funnel (you’ll know what’s causing it and how to end it quickly) ✔️ What to say and do to help your child to quickly calm down using the 1:1:1 plan (help your child calm down fast without bribes, consequences, or yelling)

Click here to join the waitlist! 

3 thoughts on “5 Simple Steps to Get Your Kids to do Schoolwork (From Home) Without Fighting You Tooth and Nail”

I’m so grateful if this information you freely share, thank you!!

I followed the get the free download able posters link and am unable to receive them for some reason (I’ve quadruple checked my e-mail is right), I even ordered the kit, is there someway I can get in contact with whoever is trying to sell that package? Or is it a scam?

Hi Chantelle- Please email [email protected] if you haven’t found an answer yet!! Thanks!

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How to Get Kids to (REALLY) Listen: 7 Steps for Success

Instead of action, you get the kid equivalent of crickets. Radio silence.

“ Maybe they didn’t hear me?” you think. So, you ask again nicely.  Firmly, but nicely.

You feel yourself rapidly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind. Repeat. Remind.”

And then it happens–the fuse blows. In a moment of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left frustrated and discouraged.

I get it. So do most parents. I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and can say unequivocally that children “not listening” is the most common frustration I hear from moms and dads.

Here’s the thing though, if you want to get a handle on your child’s unresponsiveness, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY he is NOT listening. More often than not, his lack of response is a SYMPTOM, not the actual problem.

If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, defiance, and backtalk.

Why Don’t Kids Listen?

Good question! Why are they tuning you out? Why do you have to repeat something over and over until you find yourself yelling?

(Before we go any further, be sure you’ve ruled out any potential medical condition that could be affecting your child’s hearing or comprehension . If you are confident your child’s ears are fully-functioning, read on.)

Children of all ages–toddler through teens– have a hard-wired need for power .  When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways–choosing what clothes to wear, making the dinner menu, picking what game to play, etc.–they will exert their power in negative ways.

By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.

I’m not suggesting you let them call every shot. However, by implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques , you can give your children power within your boundaries. By doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat – remind cycle will come to an end.

Is “Not Listening” Just a Label?

Before we dive into strategies to improve communication with your children, consider this question– What exactly are you referring to when you say your child “doesn’t listen?”

When talking to parents, “not listening” usually ends up being a blanket term that covers a myriad of issues. Because “not listening” is so broad, it can be difficult to find a solution.

I’m not saying there aren’t times when your child is just flat-out ignoring you–that happens! However, more often than not, it’s less about “not listening” and more about some underlying issue.

Is she tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Or, i s there some deeper control issue that is causing her to disconnect such as…

Sibling frustrations?

Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.

Now, if it truly is a classic case of not listening, here are 7 steps you can take to ensure your kids actually hear you.

7 Steps to Get Kids to Listen

1. get on their level.

When you need your child’s attention, make sure you get her attention –that means eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look her in the eye, you not only verify she sees and hears you, but you strengthen the communication as well.

This means you might have to step away from the laundry or put down the whisk for a minute and step into the other room. Proximity is key–you’re not talking down to her or barking orders from the other room–you’re speaking with her.  

2. Do Away With “Don’t”

Don’t touch your brother. Don’t run in the hall. Don’t play with your food. Don’t read the next sentence. (See what I did there?)

Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions:

1) What does she NOT want me to do?

2) What does she want me to do instead?

That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behavior AND determine the appropriate alternative behavior– If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play tag? Can I give him a high five? Can I help him put on his jacket or tie his shoes if mom asks?

Instead, tell your child what to DO.

Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “ Use gentle touches when touching your brother” or “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now, so please keep your hands folded while we are in the car.”

Instead of “Don’t leave your toys all over the floor,” try “Please put your toys in the toy bin.”

Instead of “Don’t run in the hall,” try “Please walk in the hall.”

3. Say YES to “YES”

Think about it for a moment. What is your normal, knee-jerk reaction to the 10,000 requests you get from your child every day? “NO,” right?

When you’re bombarded with requests, it’s difficult to sift through them in a meaningful way, so you just deliver canned responses–“ No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “No.” “Nope.” “Nada.”

But when “no” is your constant go-to answer, it’s no wonder kids stop listening to YOUR requests! Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something!

Instead of “No we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

Instead of “No, you can’t have ice cream” try “Ice cream is delicious! Would you like to have it for dessert on Saturday or Sunday evening?”

While there will still be situations that require a hard “no,” by offering more “yeses” you’ll increase the chances your kid will tune you back in.

4. Shorten Your Speech

Oh boy, I was as guilty of this as anyone. Parents, and especially moms, tend to turn a five-second answer into a five-minute dissertation!

There’s a saying in the sales industry, “never sell with blah-blah what you can sell with blah.” I think it makes sense in parenting too. When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out!

5. Say “Thank You” in Advance

Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your preemptive “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior much more than, “I better not see your towel on the floor again!”

People, and yes, even children, will usually live up to our expectations if we manage them in a positive way. Letting them know, in advance, that we trust them to do the right thing will cultivate open communication lines and increase the likelihood the task will get completed.

6. Ensure Comprehension

A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that she understands is to ask her to repeat back what you said.

In the medical field, studies have shown that 40-80% of the information doctors relay to patients is either forgotten completely or misunderstood (and keep in mind, these are ADULTS we are talking about, not just children).

To combat this misunderstanding, doctors have begun using the teach-back method, which calls on patients to “teach back” to the doctor what treatment instructions they were just given. This method has been shown to drastically increase information retention from patients.

The same tool can be used effectively with children. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to repeat back what they’ve just heard.

By ensuring everyone is on the same page, you will see an instant improvement in communication and cooperation in your home.

7. Make an Observation

If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand,  just make an OBSERVATION: “I see a jacket on the floor,” or you can ask, “ What is your plan for taking care of the trash today?”  

“What is your plan for?” is one of my favorite strategies to avoid power struggles. It’s empowering because it’s assumptive on your part that they have a plan–and gives your child an opportunity to save face and quickly come up with a plan in the moment if they didn’t already have one!

“ Oh yeah! I was planning on taking out the trash right after I finish my lunch. ”  This gives you the chance to put a positive parenting empowerment spin on the whole conversation! “That’s awesome–I really appreciate your help, buddy.”  

Final Thoughts

Remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for us. While it might seem like defiance or inattention on their part–it is more than likely a way to get our attention or express their need for power.

Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. It may sound counterintuitive, but CLEARLY it works since it’s the number one complaint parents share!

If power struggles like not listening are creating stress in your family, I’d love to walk you through our step-by-step road map for parenting toddlers to teens . I love to help parents solve this issue and have helped thousands of families just like yours.

If you’re not quite ready to jump in, at least join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS .

I’ll teach you more strategies to get your kids to LISTEN without nagging, reminding, or yelling and you’ll start feeling relief within days!

As always, happy parenting! We’re here for you!

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How to Get Kids to Slow Down with Their Work

Advice from Real Teachers

When it comes to encouraging kids to produce quality work, one of the biggest problems we face is getting kids to slow down and take their time. For some reason, students seem to feel there’s some sort of prize for the one who finishes first, or maybe it’s just that they want to rush through some assignments to get to other activities they think will be more fun. If this is something that you struggle with in your classroom, read on to learn 25 terrific tips from real teachers who have solved this problem.

Today’s Question Every week on my Facebook page , I post the Question Connection where I invite teachers to ask questions, and I later share those questions with the fans. When I see that a question receives a lot of responses, I compile the best of them into a blog post.

Today’s teacher question comes from Cassandra who asks, “Can anyone share strategies for getting kids to slow down in their work? I feel like a lot my kids wanted to get things done as fast as possible and I struggled to motivate them to have pride in their work and take their time.”

Top 25 Tips for Getting Kids to Slow Down with Their Work Apparently many teachers have a similar problem, and lots of terrific strategies were shared. I eliminated duplicates and narrowed the list to what I felt were the top 25 responses. This question was posted two different times, and if you would like to read the complete responses, you can click here and here .

• Gidget Greenlee – I always tell my students, “I would rather be the last A than the first F”.
• Casey McDaniel – 1) Explain how long you think the activity or assignment should take and why.  Emphasize quality of work and expectations. 2)  Have a turn-in tub “timer.”  Don’t “open” the tub until you think the appropriate amount of time has passed. 3)  Circulate around your classroom and keep an eye out for early finishers. Provide feedback and ask questions to help student dig deeper and put forth more effort. 4)  Do speed conferences. Review early finishers’ work quickly and provide quick feedback verbally or on sticky notes to help students improve their work. 5)  Always have follow-up tasks to assign to early finishers so they are never “done.”  This should eliminate some of the rush to complete assignments and place value on quality.
• Cathy Vogler – I write them a “speeding ticket” and then put it in their planner for their parents to sign also. The student then has to do the work again during their free time at home and recess. I found the speeding tickets on TeachersPayTeachers.
• Emma Farrell – Sometimes if they know there is a fun activity at the end, they tend to rush. I like to use a star system that encourages students to work towards five star rated work. Come together as a class to decide on what that will be. Each criteria will be different for each lesson. Add things like, spelling, neatness, structure (for genre writing), tense etc.
• Lydia Wood – Have them write the time they start and time they finish on their paper. Give an example of how long a good paper should take. If they get a bad grade, you have proof of how long it took them
• Julie Lawson – I tell me first graders “it’s NOT a race ….(and they finish my sentence in unison ).. It’s a JOURNEY”.  Then I finish with “enjoy your journey.”
• Paula Cull -You can set a timer and explain all you want, but they’re still going to rush through it.  If I see one of my middle schoolers rushing through something, I collect their assignment when it’s finished and then give them another copy of the assignment and tell them that they will keep doing it until they do it correctly.  It sounds harsh, but they need to realize that they need to do their assignments correctly.
• Trinity Tracy – Set a timer and project it.  This shows them they still have plenty of time left.  It also has the added bonus of getting stragglers to speed up!
• Judy Harrison – I have an under 70 % redo policy.  That slows the speeders down, they hate having to redo work.
• Melanie Dorrian – “I want your best work, not your fastest work.”  Say it like you mean it.
• Melanie Ketcham – Show them what an acceptable paper looks like and then show them what is not acceptable. Then stick to those standards and have rewards for those who follow your directions. (rewards could be to color, read, or play an academic game on the computer) The other students will soon follow your lead. They always want to please.
• Renee Von Wyl Kornish – With my sixth grade students, I set a timer for tests or activities that I wanted them to take special care in completing. They were not allowed to turn in their tests until after the timer went off. So, if they finished early they had to re-check their answers. I would walk around to observe that they were going back and re-checking. Once they realize that I won’t take their paper early anyway, there is no reason to rush.
• Alex Javoian – Post exemplar model pieces and a general rubric so they can “grade” their own work before turning it in.
• Virginia Nolland – I tell my kids to complete a section of work at a time then they must show me. If it’s not up to expectation, they have to complete that part again. As their work improves I stretch out the time they have to show me.
• Carie Rosa – This is a method used to help students do a good job on their work with a picture analogy. What you can do is take some pictures of you baking a cupcake in steps. The steps represent work turned in complete and not so complete just as you are baking a cupcake. You can take a picture of a perfectly finished cupcake and then make a sloppy one to take a pic of. Just show the difference and reference that to nice neat work. This year I will take four pictures and reference them to neat work. For example a plain non frosted cupcake, a perfectly frosted cupcake, a sloppy one and a burnt one.
• Natalie Wheeler – I send best work to the principal for praise.
• Tiffani Reed – We talk about and model quality work. What is quality work? How do you know? Show examples. Have the kids tell you what makes it quality work. Then only accept quality work from your students.
• CM Goodrich – Post a “Star” work poster displaying samples of great work, call it a club, and daily add new names as work improves.  Also might try no cost rewards for good work product like entering name in jar to draw for biweekly eating lunch in room with teacher, etc.
• Joli Isip Scollo – Conference and give positive feedback and next steps (how to improve). Send them back to their seats to work on those next steps.
• Shelley Rolston – As crazy as this sounds, the best strategy I had this year after sharing and promoting others work was a happy face in their agenda ( next year it will be Class Dojo) for effort and neat work. I spoke to the parents ahead of time and they worked out an incentive at home for the child’s goal. (Ex 4/5 happy faces) It worked  MIRACLES for the five or so 2nd graders I had. I suspect it could be adapted for older kids. They have to want to care. For the rest of the class, sharing their work aloud and peer editing is very effective. In both cases you’ll notice it is almost solely out of the teacher’s hands which is where it needs to be.
• Daniel Osborne – At the beginning of the year I make a big deal of being proud of your work. I show different examples of my own work from college or grad school and ask them to describe what they see. I also show them examples of work from some of previous students that are not acceptable. They go through them and give me reasons why they were not acceptable. I also say on a near daily basis, “Be proud of your work. Do not turn in slop.”  If I do get slop I make them redo it. Once they see I am serious I rarely have students redo work.
• Georgia Boethin – I don’t let students get up to turn their work in when they are finished.  They are to keep working or read if they get finished until I give them a signal that they have about a minute or two left to complete work.  I then ask them to pass their work to the east or west and then north or south to a designated person. I teach them to place their paper face up with the top aligned as it should be on the next student’s desk.  That student passes both of them on to the next and so on.  All the papers are turned in at one time, and all of them are ready to just pick up and correct.  It keeps the classroom orderly, and it avoids that rush to be done when someone gets up to turn in a paper.  It’s very efficient.  I teach fifth grade, so I don’t know if it would work with younger students, but I would think that it would.
• Angela Boykin-Schoppe – I make a LOT of comments praising quality work. What worked great with one of my boys (2nd grade) was letting him choose one assignment each day and do his very best.  It was so beautiful that even his classmates noticed and complimented it on it. Before long–and it only took a week–the quality work was the norm. This probably wouldn’t work as well on older kids though.
• Laurel  Quinn – I make a big deal out of quality student examples and what parts are to be celebrated. They go up on a star board. Rubrics are needed, too. I try not to accept rushed work. Keep making them redo, giving them pieces to focus on,  and eventually after hundreds of eyeball rolls, they will hopefully try the first time.
• Sheila Quintana – I teach high school ELL. When my students tell me they’re finished, I just point to the “I’m finished” folder stapled to the wall. They can choose to check their work or grab an assignment out of the folder. 9 times out of 10 they choose to make their work better. Those that choose an extra assignment can have that assign

Thanks to everyone who offered such terrific tips! If you would like to submit a teacher question, be sure to watch for the announcement on Wednesday evenings at 8 pm EDT on the Teaching Resources Facebook page . Great Questions + Advice from Real Teachers = The Question Connection! Enjoy!

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• Data and Statistics on ADHD
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School Changes — Helping Children with ADHD

What to know.

• Many children with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) struggle with school, whether school is in-person, at home, or through virtual classes.
• Children with ADHD may especially struggle when switching between school environments or to different schools entirely.
• Learn more about helping children with ADHD adjust to changes in school.

ADHD and Schools

Children with ADHD might experience more obstacles in their path to success than the average student.

Most children with ADHD receive some school services. This can mean special education services, such as individual or small group instruction with a special education teacher; or accommodations, such as changing how assignments, tasks, and tests are done, extra help with remembering and organizing work, and frequent communication. Together, teachers and parents can help children with ADHD succeed in school .

A changing school environment

Many children experience more than one learning environment, for example, moving from one school to another as they age. In the COVID-19 pandemic, many children experienced changes in their learning environment, switching from in-person schooling to distance schooling, including learning at home and online. Many children returned to in-person schooling, but with more online learning as part of the school day. Some children continued with home or virtual-only schooling.

Strategies to help with school success‎

Because ADHD symptoms include difficulty with attention regulation, hyperactivity, and impulsivity , which can affect planning, organizing, and managing behavior, many children with ADHD struggle with change. Here are some of the challenges that children with ADHD can face in different learning environments:

• Physical activity and movement are important for all children, but especially so for children with ADHD. More time spent with virtual learning can mean sitting still without moving for longer periods of time. Finding time to move may be especially important for children who struggle with hyperactivity.
• Children with ADHD struggle more with boredom and putting mental effort into challenging tasks. Virtual learning or in-person school with more rules may lack novelty and excitement. Teachers may need to find new ways to keep children with ADHD from being bored and keep them engaged in learning.
• Children with ADHD are more likely than their peers to have some difficulties with social relationships. If the school environment provides fewer opportunities to interact freely during the day, children may need other ways to practice social skills and build on relationships.
• Transitions can be challenging for children with ADHD; they may need extra help getting ready, and more time getting used to new settings.
• Having to spend time doing schoolwork, homework, and family activities in the same space where parents may also have to do their own work can create additional stress for students and parents.
• Children with ADHD are likely to have other disorders in addition to ADHD , which can make coping with stress, change, and social isolation associated with virtual learning even more difficult. They may need additional support .

With changes in how school is being conducted, there is also the possibility that children who have special needs are not getting the services they need. The U.S. Department of Education has issued information for implementing special education services for schools that use distance learning.

However, some children with ADHD may respond positively to some of the changes. For example, virtual learning may provide fewer distractions for children who find it more difficult to tune out other people around them. More structured classrooms with more distance between students might help some children focus. With fewer activities in their daily schedules, some children may have more time to get the sleep they need. Since each child may react differently to changes in their environment, parents, teachers, and students need support that works for each individual child.

Working to help parents, students, and teachers

To help parents and students adapt to the changing environment, the National Resource Center on ADHD (NRC), a program of CHADD—Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, and funded CDC partner, has worked to create resources and support for parents. These resources include advice for parents and teachers on:

• Creating enough structure so that the child can learn new routines
• Keeping the child engaged with learning
• Managing difficulty with attention while coping with changes
• Setting up the home learning environment
• Helping children stay connected with other children
• Keeping children healthy and active

Caring for a child with special needs can mean extra challenges. Parents of children with ADHD may experience extra stress from supporting their child while coping with changes and may need additional help.

The NRC has created a parent toolkit, including information and resources to help parents understand more about ADHD and how to support their child, and tips and advice that help parents with their own stress during uncertain times.

CDC also provides information and resources for parents making decisions about schooling , coping with their own stress, and ensuring children's well-being .

Schools are a part of ADHD treatment

To meet the needs of children with ADHD, schools can:

• Be part of effective treatment plans for children with ADHD
• Provide special education services or accommodations.

The American Academy of Pediatrics' recommendations for ADHD treatment state that school is a necessary part of any treatment plan. Behavioral classroom management focusing on positive responses is an evidence-based treatment for ADHD and can complement parent training in behavior management .

The NRC also provides some tips for receiving treatment via when in-person treatment is not possible. Parents, teachers, healthcare providers, and older children and teens can collaborate to develop an approach that works best for each student.

National Resource Center on ADHD

• Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD)
• ADHD Toolkits for Parents and Educators
• "Ask The Expert" Webinar: Teaching Students How to "Work From Home" (Sept. 9, 2020)
• "All Things ADHD" Podcast: Online Learning for Children with ADHD (Sept. 10, 2020)

U.S. Department of Education

• Return to School Roadmap: Development and Implementation of Individualized Education Programs (Sept. 30, 2021) - Individuals with Disabilities Education Act

More information

• About ADHD | CDC
• Children's Mental Health | CDC

Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

CDC's Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) site includes information on symptoms, diagnosis, treatment, data, research, and free resources.

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Health care providers.

Who is Harrison Butker? Chiefs kicker gives controversial commencement speech

Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker is facing backlash on social media over offensive comments he made during a commencement speech at Benedictine College this past weekend.

Butker used his 20 minutes onstage May 11 at the private Catholic liberal arts school in Atchison, Kansas, to protest Pride month, transgender people, working women and how President Joe Biden handled the COVID-19 pandemic.

But who is Butker? Here are some facts to know about the controversial NFL player.

Who is Harrison Butker?

Butker, a Chiefs' placekicker, was born July 14, 1995, in Decatur, Georgia. Nicknamed "Butt Kicker" by Chiefs head coach Andy Reid, Butker was selected by the Carolina Panthers in the seventh round of the 2017 NFL draft before signing with Kansas City in September of that year.

NFL STATS CENTRAL: The latest NFL scores, schedules, odds, stats and more.

How long has Harrison Butker been with the Chiefs?

Butker was released from the Panthers' practice squad Sept. 13, 2017, and signed with the Chiefs almost two weeks later on Sept. 26. He made his debut with the team during a Week 4 game Oct. 2 against Washington and made 3 of 4 field goals, with a long of 43 yards, USA TODAY reported . Butker went on to make 38 field goals, setting an NFL record for most makes by a rookie.

Butker will play in his  eighth season with the Chiefs in 2024.

What did Harrison Butker say at Benedictine College?

Butker started his 20-minute commencement speech by giving his opinion on Pride month and its "dangerous gender ideologies."

"Not the deadly sins sort of Pride that has an entire month dedicated to it," Butker said, "but the true God-centered pride that is cooperating with the holy ghost to glorify him."

Butker also criticized President Biden's policies, including his response to the COVID-19 pandemic.

"While COVID might have played a large role throughout your formative years, it is not unique," Butker said. "The bad policies and poor leadership have negatively impacted major life issues. Things like abortion, IVF, surrogacy, euthanasia, as well as a growing support for the degenerate cultural values and media all stem from pervasiveness of disorder."

Lastly, Butker addressed the women in the audience, arguing their “most important title” should be “homemaker," per the Associated Press .

"I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolic lies told to you," Butker added. "Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.

Harrison Butker quoted Taylor Swift

According to People magazine , Butker quoted a lyric from Taylor Swift's song "Bejeweled" off her 2022 album "Midnights" during the commencement speech. He also referred to the Grammy-winning pop star as his "teammate's girlfriend."

"As my teammate's girlfriend says, 'familiarity breeds contempt,'" Butker said while criticizing some priests for being too close to their parishioners, per The Sporting News .

What did Harrison Butker do at the White House?

Fox News reports Butker wore an anti-abortion necktie when the Chiefs visited the White House following their Super Bowl 57 victory in 2023. The tie was designed by Live Action, an anti-abortion organization, and featured the Latin phrase "Vulnerari Praesidio," which translates to “Protect the most vulnerable."

The 28-year-old also wore a gold pin designed to look like a baby's feet.

Where did Harrison Butker go to college?

Butker went to Georgia Tech and, as a freshman, hit 10 of 14 field goals (71%). He had his best season as a senior, hitting on 15 of 17 kicks, and left Tech as the all-time leading scorer in school history.

Butker graduated in 2017 with a bachelor's degree in industrial engineering .

Who is Harrison Butker's wife?

Butker is married to Isabelle Butker , formerly Isabelle Tehrani, his longtime partner and high school sweetheart. The couple started dating while attending Westminster High School in Atlanta and got engaged after Butker entered the NFL.

The two wed in 2018 and now have two children: a 4-year-old son named James Augustine Butker and a daughter whose name and age remain unknown.

Who is Harrison Butker's mom?

Butker's mother is Elizabeth Keller Butker , a medical physicist who works in the department of radiation oncology at Emory University School of Medicine .

Harrison Butker stats

Since 2017, Butker has won three Super Bowl championships with the Chiefs. He holds records for the longest field goal in a Super Bowl and career field goals in the Super Bowl with nine.

He also led the league in scoring in 2019 and has made 89% of his career field goals, which is second in NFL history to Baltimore Ravens kicker Justin Tucker.

Butker had his best season in 2023, converting 33 of 35 field goals, including 24 in a row. He also hit all 38 of his extra-point attempts. During a 25-17 win against the  Cincinnati Bengals  in Week 17, Butker went a career-high 6-for-6 on field goals and was named AFC Special Teams Player of the Week.

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

How To Motivate Your Homeschool Child

By kimball lewis.

Do you homeschool your kids? Recently, a reader wrote in with this question about her 13-year-old daughter, who thinks being homeschooled means she can do work whenever she wants to.

“I know EmpoweringParents.com has written about how to get kids to do their homework, but we have a unique situation. We homeschool our two children, and while my son does his work just fine, my 13-year-old daughter refuses to do any work at all! She won’t even get up in the morning. She says that because she is homeschooled, she can work whenever and wherever she wants! I’ve tried to give her the freedom to structure her day, but she still doesn’t get her work done. She’s falling behind, and when I try to get her interested in something, she just blows up at me. I can’t just let her fail, but I am working so much harder than she is. My house is a battle zone all day long, and I’m afraid my son will start to pick up her habits. What can I do?”

Homework and school behavior are often on the top of the list of concerns when parents contact us. Most of our parenting advice talks about the importance of structure and enlisting the aid of teachers and other school officials to help your child improve their behavior. But what happens when you are the teacher, the principal — and the school nurse?

Work on One Behavior at a Time

Sit down with your kids and let them know what you expect of them during their school day. You might even tell them what you’ve seen them do well. Then, choose one or two behaviors you’d like them to improve or change. Help them figure out what they will do, specifically, to help them meet your expectations. Aim for specific, measurable improvements, not vague suggestions.

For example, telling your child you need to get better at following directions is a vague request, and you may not get the results you’d like. Instead, say something like this to your child:

“I need to see that you are out of bed, dressed, and ready for your English assignment by 8:30 every morning. When you are at the table and ready on time, you’ll earn half an hour of movie time that night.”

Tell your child that if they’re late or argue, they won’t earn that time. And talk with them about what they can do differently to help reach this goal. If your child fails to meet your expectations, you can remind them that they already know what to do differently to earn their privileges, and it is up to them to make those changes.

Motivate Your Child With Their Currency

As parents, we know the importance of education. We often try to get our kids to understand this importance and to take their schoolwork seriously. The truth is, kids don’t care about schoolwork the way that grown-ups do. As much as we might want to, we can’t make them care about math or science or literature. Homeschooling parents don’t have report cards or in-school suspensions to help them to force kids to take their work or their behavior seriously, either.

To more effectively convince your child to take their school day seriously, you need to use something that they value to get them to do what you value. Sit down with your kids and come up with a menu of rewards and consequences. Find out from your child what they would like to earn every day. It doesn’t have to be anything too large or extravagant it could be daily computer time, more unstructured free time, or even a later bedtime. Focus on short-term, daily privileges, not long term or big-ticket items. Understand that far off rewards are not enough of a motivation to create change in daily performance.

We often hear from parents who try to force their kids to complete their work by threatening the loss of special events or giving them additional chores to complete if they don’t behave appropriately. Just remember that you can’t punish kids into better behavior. And, if you give them an additional chore as punishment for not doing their schoolwork, you may find that you have a whole new power struggle over getting them to complete that chore!

Find out what your kids value, allow them to earn that valuable item each day, and you may find that your school day goes much more smoothly.

Don’t Start Your Day with a Power Struggle

Electronics are often a high-interest item for kids and teens. In our EmpoweringParents.com articles on homework issues, we suggest letting your child earn time with electronics only after specific work is completed within a specific time frame.

In a homeschool family, you may find that electronics are best kept off limits until the entire school day is done. Some kids have tried to convince their parents to let them play with video games or the computer before they do any school work, only to refuse to turn the electronics o􀃗 when mom or dad says it’s time to get to work.

Some parents allow their children to take a break within the school day to play video games. Certainly, if that works for your family, you don’t need to change it. But if a midday game break makes your afternoon more difficult, you may want to find another activity for your child. Keep those high-interest items off-limits until the end of the day.

Use Daily Privileges and Rewards

Let your child earn their privileges – time that can be cashed in when the day’s work is completed. For example, let your child know they will earn 30 minutes of electronics time when they have finished the morning school work. In addition, they have an opportunity to earn a second 30 minutes when they complete their afternoon work.

Splitting up your rewards can also help improve compliance if your child has a rough morning, remind them they have another chance to pull it together for the afternoon. You may find that your child will improve their behavior when they know they get a second chance. It’s true that there may be days when your child does not complete their work and don’t earn their privileges for that day. Let them know that tomorrow is a new day, and they get a chance to try again.

Are You Too Busy for Rewards?

Some homeschool families tell us their lives are so hectic, they don’t have any unstructured free time, and their kids have no time for rewards or privileges. If you’ve set up your daily life so that there is no free time, you may have difficulty getting compliance out of your children when they decide to dig in their heels.

Remember, you need to use something that they value to get them to do something you value. Is there any room for an extra half hour or so of free time in your homeschool day? Ask your children what they might like as a privilege — you may find that it is something as simple as an extra half-an-hour of time before bed.

Let Them Earn More Freedom

Homeschool parents often tell us that their child refuses to follow the family’s schedule, making every day an ongoing struggle. Usually, the child will say things like, “I’ll do my work after you let me do what I want.” Or they may say, “You can’t make me do it your way.”

Remember, power struggles are a normal part of child development. There is no need to convince your child that your way is right and their way is wrong. You don’t need to attend that fight. Instead, calmly let your child know that doing work independently is a privilege, not a right, and they will need to earn that privilege.

Let your child know that you need to see them comply with your schedule before you are willing to give them a chance to do it on their own. When they can show you they can complete their work consistently and appropriately for a few days in a row, let them experiment with their schedules.

If they manage to complete the work on their own, they can continue at their own pace. If they start slipping, let them know you will go back to your original structure until they can be successful for a few more days in a row. Step by step, they can earn their independence.

Whatever rules and structures you put in place, be sure that your child knows what they are. Write them down and put them on the refrigerator. And if you are implementing consequences, don’t be alarmed if you get the desired effect immediately. It can sometimes take a few weeks for kids to come around. Just be patient and give your changes time to work. And be sure to notice and let them know when they’ve had a good day.

Related content: “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Kimball Lewis

Kimball Lewis is the CEO of EmpoweringParents.com. In addition to his leadership and management roles, he contributes as an editor, a homeschooling expert, and a parent coach. He resides in Orlando, Florida, with his wife and two teenage sons. He is the host of The Empowering Parents Podcast ( Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher ) .

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• 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
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Breaking Down Harrison Butker's Speech: Read the Chiefs Player's Most Controversial Comments

Fans are calling for Harrison Butker to be removed from the Chiefs' roster for the upcoming NFL season after his 20-minute commencement speech at Benedictine College

Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker 's commencement speech at Benedictine College, a Catholic school, continues to cause outrage.

The NFL player's 20-minute address included attacks on working women, the LBGTQ+ community and families who utilize surrogacy and in vitro fertilization (IVF).

Butker and the Chiefs did not immediately return PEOPLE's requests for comment. In a statement, the NFL’s Chief Diversity Officer Jonathan Beane says, "Harrison Butker gave a speech in his personal capacity. His views are not those of the NFL as an organization. The NFL is steadfast in our commitment to inclusion, which only makes our league stronger.”

Former Kansas City commissioner Justice Horn went further, slamming Butker in a post on X (formerly known as Twitter). "Harrison Butker doesn’t represent Kansas City nor has he ever," he wrote . "Kansas City has always been a place that welcomes, affirms, and embraces our LGBTQ+ community members."

Rapper Flavor Flav chimed in, "Sounds like some players 'need to stay in their lanes' and shouldn’t be giving commencement speeches."

Cooper Neill/Getty

Writer Cyd Zeigler wrote , "Pretty awful to hear an NFL player so proudly tell women to 'stay in their lane,' serve their man and make babies. Not to mention comparing Pride month to a 'deadly sin' and lobbing bombs at the trans community. Not a fan."

Amid the backlash, below is a breakdown of Butker's most controversial comments from the speech.

On Taylor Swift's Lyric

A portion of the outrage against Butker came from supporters of Taylor Swift after he shared one of her lyrics, which fans noticed he misinterpreted.

Butker quoted a lyric from Swift's 2022 song "Bejeweled," and referred to her as his teammate, Travis Kelce 's girlfriend.

"As my teammate's girlfriend would say, familiarity breeds contempt," Butker said when discussing the values of the Catholic Church.

What seemed to have been lost on Butker, however, is that the song's message is about Swift embracing her independence away from a former boyfriend.

On the Covid-19 Pandemic and President Joe Biden

At the start of his speech, Butker addressed how the class of 2024 was affected by the COVID-19 pandemic at the start of their college careers. The subject quickly transitioned into attacks on President Joe Biden and topics such as abortion, IVF, surrogacy and euthanasia.

"I'm sure your high school graduation was not what you had imagined and most likely neither was your first couple years of college. By making it to this moment through all the adversity thrown your way from COVID, I hope you learned the important lesson that suffering in this life is only temporary," he said. "As a group, you witnessed firsthand how bad leaders who don't stay in their lane can have a negative impact on society."

Butker went on: "Bad policies and poor leadership have negatively impacted major life issues. Things like abortion, IVF, surrogacy, euthanasia, as well as a growing support for degenerate cultural values in media, all stem from the pervasiveness of disorder. Our own nation is led by a man who publicly and proudly proclaims his Catholic faith, but at the same time is delusional enough to make the sign of the cross."

The Chiefs kicker continued his verbal attack on Biden, saying, "During a pro-abortion rally, he has been so vocal in his support for the murder of innocent babies that I'm sure to many people it appears that you can be both Catholic and pro-choice."

"This is an important reminder that being Catholic alone doesn't cut it. These are the sorts of things we're told in polite society to not bring up. The difficult and unpleasant things. But if we are going to be men and women for this time in history, we need to stop pretending that the 'Church of Nice' is a winning proposition. We must always speak and act in charity, but never mistake charity for cowardice."

He continued: "As members of the church founded by Jesus Christ, it is our duty and ultimately privilege to be authentically and unapologetically Catholic."

Carmen Mandato/Getty 

On LGBTQ+ Pride

Butker then turned the focus of his speech to the Catholic values at Benedictine College. However, his sentiments attacked the LGBTQ+ and trans communities.

Butker said, "Benedictine has gone from just another liberal arts school with nothing to set it apart to a thriving beacon of light ... I'm certain the reporters at the AP could not have imagined that their attempt to rebuke and embarrass places and people like those here at Benedictine wouldn't be met with anger, but instead met with excitement and pride, not the deadly sin sort of pride that has an entire month dedicated to it, but the true God-centered pride that is cooperating with the Holy Ghost to glorify him."

On IVF and Surrogacy

Butker later attacked families who utilize IVF and surrogacy to have children, saying, "It is imperative that this class, this generation, in this time in our society must stop pretending that the things we see around us are normal."

"Heterodox ideas abound, even within Catholic circles. Let's be honest, there is nothing good about playing God with having children, whether that be your ideal number or the perfect time to conceive. No matter how you spin it, there is nothing natural about Catholic birth control. It is only in the past few years that I have grown encouraged to speak more boldly and directly because as I mentioned earlier, I have leaned into my vocation as a husband and father and as a man."

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On Working Women

In a direct address to the female graduates at Benedictine, Butker said, "For the ladies present today, congratulations on an amazing accomplishment. I want to speak directly to you briefly because I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you."

"Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world."

Of his spouse, Butker said, "I can tell you that my beautiful wife, Isabelle, would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother. I'm on this stage today and able to be the man I am because I have a wife who leans into her vocation. I'm beyond blessed with the many talents God has given me, but it cannot be overstated that all of my success is made possible because a girl I met in band class back in middle school, who would convert to the faith, become my wife and embrace one of the most important titles of all: homemaker."

Jamie Squire/Getty

He continued, "I say all of this to you because I have seen firsthand how much happier someone can be when they disregard the outside noise and move closer and closer to God's will in their life. Isabelle's dream of having a career might not have come true, but if you asked her today if she has any regrets on her decision, she would laugh out loud without hesitation and say, heck no."

Several users on social media have pointed out , however, that Butker's mother, Elizabeth Butker, is a successful physicist at Emory University's Department of Radiation Oncology.

On Masculinity

Moving his focus to the male graduates in the room, Butker said, "To the gentlemen here today, part of what plagues our society is this lie that has been told to you that men are not necessary in the home or in our communities. As men, we set the tone of the culture. And when that is absent, disorder, dysfunction and chaos set in ..."

"Other countries do not have nearly the same absentee father rates as we find here in the U.S., and a correlation could be made in their drastically lower violence rates as well. Be unapologetic in your masculinity. Fight against the cultural emasculation of men. Do hard things. Never settle for what is easy. You might have a talent that you don't necessarily enjoy, but if it glorifies God, maybe you should lean into that over something that you might think suits you better."

Concluding his speech, Butker said, "I know that my message today had a little less fluff than is expected for these speeches, but I believe that this audience and this venue is the best place to speak openly and honestly about who we are and where we all want to go, which is heaven. I thank God for Benedictine College and for the example it provides to the world."

"Make no mistake, you are entering into mission territory in a post God world, but you are made for this and with God by your side and a constant striving for virtue within your vocation, you too can be a saint. Christ is king to the heights."

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When is it OK to take your kids out of school for vacation?

"We can’t keep taking trips during the school year because you’re getting older, and it’s getting harder to miss school," I told my daughter. But here’s the thing: I’ve been telling my 11-year-old daughter this for at least the past three years.

Every year, like so many other families, we struggle to decide whether we should take our children out of school for a family vacation. Whatever the reason might be – smaller crowds, lower prices, a great opportunity – families have lots to weigh before pulling kids out of school for a vacation during the school year.

Bring the kids: 10 best vacations for toddlers that parents will love too

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What educators think about taking kids out of school for vacation

Mom of three and longtime educator Holly Hatcher-Frazier sees both sides of the coin. When she was in a school leadership position, she discouraged parents from taking family vacations during the school year.

“It is disruptive to learning and the curriculum is designed to account for regularly scheduled school vacations set by the administration," Hatcher-Frazier said. "Taking additional vacations throughout the school year can hinder academic progress for a student because there may be gaps in instruction due to absences.”

Easy planning: 15 family travel adventures where someone else does all the planning in 2024

However, the Pittsburgh mom who gained fame when she starred with her daughter Nia on the reality show "Dance Moms" said the emotional side creeps in when you're looking at it from the other side of family travel.

"I can find valid reasons to justify that decision and there is no denying family vacations can be incredibly educational, worthwhile experiences. However, weighing the advantages and disadvantages of pulling kids out of school for family vacations, I would still err on the side of resisting the urge. Of course, there are extenuating circumstances that may be once-in-a-lifetime opportunities which need to be considered."

That’s exactly what happened to my family. We were given a chance to travel on an Adventures by Disney trip to South Africa. The 10-day trip was packed with amazing experiences , including safaris, first-hand accounts of apartheid and Nelson Mandela, and African cultural experiences. It was an opportunity we couldn't pass up, even though it meant taking the kids out of school to do it.

Tips for taking your kids out of school for a trip

The problem was the trip was scheduled for right after the school year started. In situations like this, Hatcher-Frazier said if you decide to take the trip, you should talk to school officials as soon as possible.

"Telling the school the day before that your child will be missing school for a week for a family vacation does not usually sit well for many," she said.

Hatcher-Frazier also noted that it's not a fair expectation to assume teachers will prepare work ahead of time for your child for unexcused absences.

"Curating lesson plans for an individual child is creating more work for a teacher in addition to the teachers' regular responsibilities, lesson plans and workload," she explained. "If parents treat the school officials with reasonable expectations, courtesy, and respect, then I think most schools will try their best to work together with parents to ensure the success of the child."

Family travel adventures: 11 best tour operators for family tours in 2024

Once I saw the itinerary for our trip to South Africa, I knew there would be no time for schoolwork. It was a jam-packed family trip, but it was filled with activities that included some extraordinary form of learning every single day. And from the first day of the trip I knew we made the right decision to experience this family vacation, even though it meant missing school.

Every day was filled with educational experiences, from something as simple as learning that traffic lights in South Africa are called robots to finding out the meaning behind all the colors of the South African flag. The animal interactions on the trip were unreal, and with them came lessons on the lions, giraffes, monkeys, and everything else we saw. 

By the end of our first safari ride, my three kids were even able to tell which animal left the droppings we saw. They were also taught how to make a toothbrush out of tree branches and what tree bark can be ground down to make toothpaste. There was tons of information thrown at my children, and I do wonder what they will retain. My daughter kept a daily journal, which I know we’ll all continue to look back on to help remind us what we learned and how we learned it.

The benefits of trusting your gut

Once we returned home, there was some makeup work that needed to be done, but everyone, including my kids' teachers and school administrators, agreed this was an incredible experience. 

Hatcher-Frazier said, in the end, trust your gut.

"You know your child best and whether or not this is a vacation that can't wait until an upcoming school break. Parents need to consider the consequences of their child missing school. Does your child work independently? Most likely, your child will have to do work on their own without the help of an instructor or in-class discussion if they miss class. Does your child take initiative?"

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Truth be told, in the weeks after the trip, my daughter struggled a bit with all the makeup work. There were some nights when I questioned if we made the right decision because I hated seeing her so stressed. In the future, I’m not sure we’ll be so quick to take our children out of school for a trip we can easily reschedule. However, if another once-in-a-lifetime opportunity arises, we’ll give it careful consideration.

Once all the work was made up, my daughter told me she would 100% do the trip again. As a family, I think we made the right choice. We have amazing memories we talk about daily. The family vacation allowed us to make friends with people from all over the world whom we otherwise would have never met, and it taught my children to differentiate between rhino poop and zebra poop – a lesson I don’t think they’ll ever learn in the classroom. 

The story When is it OK to take your kids out of school for vacation? first appeared on FamilyVacationist.com .

More from FamilyVacationist:

• 28 best places to go with kids in 2024 . 
• Why every family should try an all-inclusive resort at least once.
• 9 skip-gen destinations perfect for grandkids and grandparents .

FamilyVacationist.com and TourScoop.com are owned and operated by Vacationist Media LLC. FamilyVacationist covers family vacation ideas ; family vacation spots ; all-inclusive family resorts ; and theme park vacations for families. TourScoop covers guided group tours and tour operators , tour operator reviews , tour itinerary reviews and travel gear recommendations . The views and opinions expressed in this column are the author’s and do not necessarily reflect those of USA TODAY.

This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: When is it OK to take your kids out of school for vacation?